new

[labrador]

Not a good friggin day today. Found out that the job I was trying to get was offered to someone else, and my mood took a major shit-kicking as a result. Add to that, today's work day was punctuated by a smart ass who continually dicked around with my work area, thinking he was being funny when in fact he was just being unproductive and annoying. I managed to get through the day without telling him off, something I would normally have done, so that's a plus, but it really pissed me off. I wanted to get high so badly that it surprised me when I went straight home without stopping at my dealer's house. I'm glad I didn't listen to that guy in my head that tells me to get high because I felt lousy after my last slip and another slip might have led me right back into that lifestyle I'm trying so hard to leave behind. I kind of snapped at my wife tonight because she didn't have supper ready. I do the majority of the cooking in our family so I really do understand why she didn't start anything, but I told her that it would be nice once in a while if she would get things started seeing that she is home 2 hours before me. I know I should apologise to her but right now I'm still too worked up about the day to do so. Hopefully I'll be able to calm down enough after supper to say I'm sorry and explain where my harshness came from.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi labrador, sorry you went through that crap at work....

I assume your wofe knows what you are going through now? So yes just as we women can be very bitchy while PMSing, I think alot of mindful thoughts need to be especially noted while you are going through withdrawal. Hang in there

[labrador]

Thanks Linda. I'm really worried about today. Didn't sleep last night and my mood has not improved. I really don't know how I'm going to make it through today without something bad happening. I have become acutely aware of how I am when I'm like this and I know that the littlest thing will set me off, but I don't know what to do to get out of this frame of mind because everything I've tried has not worked this time. It's time like this that I really feel like it's just not worth it to keep trying, that death would be a much welcome relief from myself.

[Lindamomof7]

Yeah I understand your feelings Labrador. Like I said being mindful of your mood and do the best you can do. And if that means you dont leave your house, go for a walk, listen to music, whatever, I think its important you do that for yourself...

It IS all about you right now.... Hang in there

[labrador]

Well I made it through the day at work without losing it. Had a scary moment when I discovered that someone had been in my locker and had gone through my jacket. Rather than freak out about it, which I normally would have done, I wrote a note that said " stay out of my stuff or be prepared to face the consequences " and put it in my pocket. It was definately tough to control the anger I felt but I kept thinking that if I blew up i would end up getting high as a result, so I swallowed the anger and went on with my day. Still not feeling anything but down tonight. Hopefully this will pass before it gets totally out of control. I may take a sleep aid tonight just so I can get the rest i know my brain is screaming for if I find that sleep will not come on it's own again.

[labrador]

Hmmm. No sleep again! I don't think this is a withdrawal thing but rather a depression related symptom, although I do believe the two are intertwined. Today will be the two week anniversary of my comittment to become drug free, and with the exception of the one slip, I've been successful. So why is the pride i felt after the first week not evident after this second week? All I feel is, for lack of a better word, is down, and it's wearing on me mentally and physically. i don't know if this is part of the withdrawal process or not. I've got no previous experience to draw on. All I know is that I am miserable and it's taking all I've got to just get through a day without blowing up or doing something stupid. This really truly sucks!

[Lindamomof7]

Congratulations Labrador!!!! 2 weeks, that is awesome.

I hope someone chimes in here to answer your question about withdrawal symptoms. Maybe send a private message to Allan Schwartz here on the forum?

Like I said before with living for many weeks with people going through what you go through, the body reacts physically and mentally to all of the changes going on. So you may go from depressed to manic and feel all over the place. I'm sure you have read that? I think the best thing to do is to not analyse every feeling. Give it time and give yourself acceptance that you will feel unexplainably funky.... Hang in there

[labrador]

Thanks once again Linda. If you were in the same city as me I would bake you a cheesecake for all your support. I've made a habit in the past of thanking people who have helped me at something by baking something special for them. I've been told that I should try to make a living as a baker but I think doing it for money wouldn't give me the satisfaction I get from doing it just to see the look on someone's face when they receive my baking. Today i've been lucky that it's been crazy busy at work and I haven't had much down time to dwell on my problems. It's hard not to over analyse every feeling but being busy really helps me avoid falling into that rut. I used to rely on drugs to do that for me but even they were losing their power to allow me to escape from myself, and they became simply a way to make it through the day. I'm hoping that in time, I will be able to accept the fact that things have gone on in my life that I would have preferred to not go through and feel good about the fact that I have survived through it all. Maybe then I can feel joy in my life.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Labrador, your welcome and thank you

And, I LOVE cheesecake. Go ahead and get diverted, bake a cheesecake and send me over a piece. I will share

I will get the coffee, tea or hot chocolate going

Maybe what also might help is trying some totally new things. Diversion is a wonderful tool and sometimes it can help create some new lifestyle changes, mentally and physically....

Let me know what diversion list you come up with

[58corvette]

I agree; Linda you are a Sweety. Keep doing the right thing Labrador. I know my Own Son continues to Struggle with his Addiction.

I believe your going to make it & be OK.

[Lindamomof7]

Thanks 58corvette... yes he will be ok

so how about a piece of cheesecake for you? And, what will it be, coffee, tea or hot chocolate??

[58corvette]

Love Cheesecake & Right now Hot Chocolate Sounds Good!!!

[chatterbox512]

Hey Labrador,

I know I am totally late on this convesation but I am going to pipe in anyway because I really feel what I have learned today will help you also.

I have been struggling with sleeping for 20 plus years now, and it has gone into insomnia over the past 4 months, it has gotten bad enough that I have had to revert to a sleeping pill to help me get some sleep. Anyway, I went to a sleep specialist today to see what they could do. This is what I was told. First of all as you may well already know that depression can cause insomnia and vise-versa. The dr told me that it is possible that the oppurtunity to sleep is to long. He has me on a restricted sleep, I am to go to bed at 11, instead of my usual 10, and get up at 6:30, instead of my usual 7:30-8. This is to hopefully train the brain and body to get the sleep when it is offered. I have been told that this is going to be a difficult week, but I am holding out hope that this is going to help. Also no alcohol before bed, no caffine and if I would wake up in the middle of the night I am to get up and read instead of staying in bed. I am not sure it is going to work, but I thought I could pass this on to you in the hopes that you can try it and get some well needed sleep. I really do wish you the best as you figure out how to make this work with out meds!! You are a very strong person for doing it. As hard as it is to keep your emotions in check, it is that much harder to do it when you are not sleeping. Hopefully when you get a good nights sleep the rest will fall into place.

[labrador]

The thing that really gets to me with this lack of sleep is that I'm the guy who has never needed an alarm clock. I'm in bed by 10 - 11 pm every night, and up at 6:00 every morning. I've always been like this, with the exception of nights out, and even then I'm up at 6 the next morning. So when that routine is all screwed up it I feel out of tune with things. When I'm in my borderline manic states I will work from sun up till sundown and completely recharge in my sleep. Then I'll wake up and do it again. I usually go two to three weeks like this before my body tells me to quit. I think it all comes from being expected to help my dad with all his projects that he did on the side. He was a " your work ethic is your worth " kind of guy and thay attitude was instilled in me at an early age. I also breath through pursed lips when I'm totally immersed in my work, just like he does. It freaked me out the first time I caught myself doing it. Strange what we pick up without realizing it sometimes.

And one german chocolate cheesecake coming up! I made it for my wife when I was trying to date her in the beginning and it is something special!

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Labrador

Ok hot chocolate it is and of course german chocolate cheesecake!!! YUMMM

Chatterbox, you joining us ? Anyone else? C'mon there is plenty of cake and hot chocolate

Sleep is a funny thing. I had to totally come off of all meds so sleeping pill/anxiety pill had to be stopped. My Dr said it would take me a while to go back to sleep naturally so I didnt sleep for many nights. But now, I keep a strict schedule and keep a strict routine so unless I am heading into manic I sleep right through like a log with strict instructions for my husband NOT to wake me and when I am heading into manic I just get up and go down and watch tv .

And Labrador I like the work ethic, we must have been brought up by similar parents. And passing it on to my kids is a fulfilling quest....

[labrador]

Yes Linda, I too like the work ethic. I find i have a problem working with people who don't have as strong of a work ethic as me though. It's something I am working on in this new job. I'm an efficiency nut, always searching out the most efficient way to do something to minimize the amount of work required to do it, which allows me more time to do more work.

Off topic, i had sex with my wife last night, something that hasn't happened since i lost my job early november.

[Lindamomof7]

Thats interesting about the efficiency thing. Thats how I am. I think time management should be everyones strong point especially at jobs but you know I realized I cant change the world so I just try to focus on what I can control. It leads to less frustration.

Hey I like your new diversion

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Labrador,

With the sleep thing, please try to remember that you have been through a major disappointment, a real crisis, and that can interfere with sleep. Worrying about it will only make it worse. Your rythem will re establish itself. I agree that you may be experiencing some depression and anxiety and that can account for lack of sleep right now.

You have gone through a lot of change. Your functioning is vastly improving as you learn to control your anger and to stay off of drugs. You need to congratulate yourself and I am giving you my congratulations. Keep up the good work.

Allan

[labrador]

Thanks Allan. I am trying very hard to stay positive and see the progress that I am making.

Linda, its interesting that you say that you just try to focus on what you can control. This week I came to the realization myself that I have spent far too much time trying to control things which are out of my control and far too little time trying to control the things which I can control. It was one of those "Aha!" moments and has really changed the way I look at things and how I interact with people. I can't control what I'm going to get from others but I can control what I give out to them. It's a lesson I should have learned a long time ago, but at least I've learned it now while i still have time to put it to use.

I went to my wife's Xmas party last night, something that I was tremendously nervous about. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about losing my job to a group of people I really don't know. when the topic of work came up I quickly changed the subject or removed myself from the conversation so I avoided that uncomfortable situation for the most part. The party was held at the bowling alley and after the meal we broke up into teams and bowled a couple games. It took a few frames, but i honestly found myself having fun, and for a while there were no negative hurtful thoughts running through my brain. I was just another person pathetically trying to roll a ball down a lane to knock over some pins. After the week I had I definately needed the relief I found last night. Therapy comes in many different ways I guess.

[Lindamomof7]

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[labrador]

Very cool Linda! While in university, i stumbled upon a ten pin centre by accident. i was searching for inexpensive drinking establishments. I ended up working there part time, running the front end and doing the lane and pinsetter maintenance. Never did roll a 300, but my boss, Trevor Peters, did so on more than one occasion. Turns out that I was a natural and carried a 172 average in league play, and came within one 10 pin conversion from making it onto the nationally televised Pins Game. Last night was only 5 pin bowling but it was still fun.

You are right in promoting the diversions. It is hard for me to take the first step in doing something lately but I've found great relief when I do finally manage to take that step. I've started to pay attention to the things that divert my attention away from what is dragging me down, figuring out what I enjoyed about them and how I can incorporate the positive aspects into my daily life. last night I discovered that i can have fun even when I'm surrounded by a group of people I really don't know, which is something I never would have thought was possible. My diversion the night before opened my eyes to how beautiful and sexy my wife is feeling about losing 30 pounds since August and showed me that all it takes is perseverence and results will follow.

[Lindamomof7]

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[labrador]

Today I woke up with a plan. On Friday, my wife brought me back a cupcake from the Cupcake Corner, a little shop in Saskatoon that only makes gourmet cupcakes. It was soooooo good! So today I woke up with a plan to make a cupcake that will rival the one she brought back for me. It doesn't sound like much, but this is a big step for me. I'm a "planner" and that aspect of my personality has been missing for quite some time, replaced by an overwhelming feeling of lethargy. I don't need to plan out every single detail of my day, but I've found that I need to have a general idea of what I want to do or else I simply won't do anything, and that is not good for me, especially right now.

I slept good last night, despite the cold I'm fighting. Probably a combination of cold meds and total exhaustion. I'm trying hard to not let what I'm going through spoil the Xmas season for my wife and son who is still at home. For me, Xmas brings back memories of disappointment and unhappiness, so I'm not big on the whole season. My wife, on the other hand, has a totally different view. Xmas in her family is a BIG DEAL. There is usually 2 dozen or more family members who get together for xmas eve supper, and not coming home for xmas just does not happen. My first xmas with her when we were dating was very strange to me because it was the complete opposite to what I had been used to. I've never been able to capture what she gets from the season, despite the 17 years we've been together, but I do make an effort to keep it special and magical for her and my boys. This year I even gave her xmas lights on the house, something she's been asking for since we bought the house 11 years ago.

[Lindamomof7]

..................

[shanrucas]

Hi Linda and Labrador,

I think I got lost, but ended up here. Anyway, good for you labrador for hanging in there and especially during the notorius time of year. We us to have those big Christmas eve and Christmas day gatherings, aroung 50 plus people...now its just mom and I. I get a tree for her sake...if it were just me I probably wouldn't even get one, but she is still into it...so I'll decorate for her sake.

As for bowling, Im a comedian..my dad was on a league and had a 200 average, I think I embarressed him, but he still loved me, just didn't want me near his lane lol.

oh yeah and I'll have one of the cupcakes too please:D.