ED and Porn Addiction lead to pedophilia.HELP!!!

[Danny McMilton]

Hi,

I really need help, please do not remove this post...I don't know how to describe my problem, I've never seen any professional person, except for an Erectile Dysfunction specialist, who didn't help much.

I'm in my mid 20s, I don't have a girlfriend, not that I'm looking for one... I used to date and had a long term relationships, but it collapsed because of my low self-esteem and erectile problems. Everything was OK with my girlfriend except for intimate sessions which normally would lead to sex. I would have a good erection, but once I try to undress her or me, my penis would soften up, just semi-erect and not enough for penetration. She was hot, I wanted to have sex, but my penis lead me down. Considering my age, I have not even had a successful masturbation, and in fact the last two years I have not tried to masturbate. I've tried to have intercourse with many girls but I failed in all my attempts. I visited a specialist about my erectile problems, and he said there is nothing wrong with me, and that I'm still young, and that I just have to learn, he gave me injections, tried to use once, and it did not work, and I threw them into the bin. I know that my penis is capable of more, sometimes I wake up with extremely strong and impressive erections. Thats the ED part, then the other part...

Well, I'm not impressed about myself, but I have to admit, I'm a porn addict, ever since being introduced to internet, I've been browsing for all kids of porn. When I'm viewing porn on the net, the world stops, nothing matters, I once stayed in front of the computer 18 hours, holding my bowel, with no drinks or food. I've watched all kinds of porn, bestiality, anal, gay, lesbians, bi, incest and teen. I've read all kinds of erotic stories. What worries me is that, about two months back I was on the internet, viewing girl pictures, I came across nude underage girls pictures, since then I have seen dozens of them, and am worried that I might end up behind bars. I don't want to justify my actions. Sometimes when looking at this pictures I feel sick, I wish to report such sites but am afraid that I might go to jail. I've seen the news about how people get arrested and I don't want to be one of them. Now, I know that a question that I might be asked is, Do I fantasize about underage girls, or try to engage in a relationship with them? The answer is no, I've thought about it, but I cannot even paint that picture, I find it gross and disturbing. I need help, I don't know who I can see or talk to, because I don't want someone to turn me in, because frankly, I rather die than go to jail...

Did I have a normal childhood?

No, I was a laughing stock at school, kids used to call me names. I once tried to commit suicide by hanging myself because I had a disagreement with my father, my sisters helped with the help of a neighbor. I have thought about committing suicide, but am worried about those that love me, I would be a huge disappointment to them....

Please help...

Regards,

Danny McMilton

I'm in my mid 20s,

I weigh 70Kg and height 1.73m,

I don't drink or smoke

Edited October 1, 2008 by Danny McMilton
Self Description

[John Rutledge]

deleted .......

Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge

[Mark]

it is good that you've been to see a doctor and that you are cleared of having some physical plumbing problem. Now you have a better sense of what the nature of the problem is. It would appear to be a more psychological/emotional problem.

Is it correct that you view pornography compulsively and yet do not masturbate? That is not the normal experience. Most guys view porn and masturbate at the same time. Do you have some way of having regular orgasms? If not, well then you must be very frustrated indeed.

Regarding the child porn stuff - just stop that immediately. Don't go there. JR has said this more eloquently than myself, but that is a line that you must not cross. both for your own safety, and because it is horribly immoral what the people who produce that stuff do to children. Child porn is sexual abuse of vulnerable people. Ask around here and in other mental health communities what the effects are of being sexually abused as a child. You will find that they are very severe and that the harm is lasting. You don't want to be any party to such crimes.

Regarding your porn consumption more generally, well, you may have gotten yourself into a position where you have a fetish. Meaning, that you can only become aroused by certain materials. Some people develop leather or latex fetishes, some go into for bondage and the like, some go for corpses, and some get so deep into porn that they stop being able to respond to living breathing willing sex partners. If you suspect that this is the case, it would be a good idea to get yourself to see a sex therapist.

You can try some things on your own that might be helpful. For one thing, try simply going cold turkey with all forms of porn. When the average porn hound tries that, they don't last long because what they find is that porn has replaced their ability to fantasize, and without it they are unable to have the erection they need to masturbate, and they need to masturbate because if they don't (and don't have some other outlet) they get increasingly distracted and obsessed with sex. For most then, the trick is to learn how to masturbate again without external aides. Which can be done, but which is hard to do at first.

Given the low opinion you have of yourself and the suicidal thoughts that go through your mind, you would be well served to find a psychotherapist to work with who can help you to learn how to develop better self-respect. Self-respect isn't something you just put on. It is something that you have to earn by doing good works, and by stopping the doing of things you are ashamed of doing.

I hope you will continue to correspond here with our community. This sort of place you find yourself in is a place you can improve, but it will require a journey of personal growth. I think you would benefit from professional assistance in this matter, but also it will be helpful to reality test some of your assumptions and to have some support. You can do this, I suspect, but not without some willingness to challenge the status quo, some dedication to doing the required work and some ability to tolerate the disruption of altering your habits.

Mark

[Mark]

Another thought which I'll pass on while it is still in my head.

Porn gives a very lobsided perspective on sexual intimacy. In porn it is generally about the guy's pleasure and there is no real intimacy or foreplay portrayed. Porn isn't real sex at all, is what I'm saying. It is this sort of distorted sexual fantasy. So, if you've been consuming porn all these years, possibly prior to your actual sexual encounters with women, then it is possible that you don't understand what actual sex involves. it is possible that you are judging yourself against the exploits of the professional porn actors, who are distortions of actual normal people, who have a lot of plastic surgery and who take a lot of drugs, some performance enhancing, in order to look and act they way they do on screen.

Real, normal sex is not all about orgasm. It is far more about foreplay and actual play. orgasm is important of course, but it isn't the be-and-end-all. real sex is far more relaxed than something to be worried about. It is not all about performance and erections; it has something to do with building intimacy between two people too. Women are more likely to view sex in this manner than men, but I think many men will agree with my assessment too.

Sometimes when couples are having sexual problems, a sex therapist will prescribe that they have encouters where they blindfold themselves, or simply touch each other but aren't aloud to have intercourse. This sort of activity helps reacquaint them with the sensual and playful aspects of sex. Maybe this is the sort of thing that would benefit you to work on too? At the very least, you may find it useful to talk to trusted people like a therapist about some of the ideas and pressures you assoicate with sex to see if they are real or just pornographic fantasies.

[Danny McMilton]

Hello, Danny,

As regards going to prison, or suffering other criminal penalties, for your use of pornography, this is a significant risk, depending on what sort you use and how you use it. Might I offer the following practical suggestions -

- do not seek out any material with an underage aspect, or involving significant violence. If you surf into such material randomly, end the contact immediately.

- do not download any material with underage content or involving significant violence under any circumstances. Consider the matter carefully before you download any pornographic material.

- do not, under any circumstances, pay for access or downloading rights to any underage material or material involving significant violence. Payments through any electronic medium, including credit/debit card payments, are traceable, and without too much difficulty at that.

- basically, steer clear of any material that involves underage sex or significant violence that may be associated with activities that have been deemed to be unlawful.

Very best regards,

Thank You for the advise. My actions and behavior are uncalled for, and I'm trying to remedy that, by doing what you are telling me. I've been nervous for the past few days seeing that there was not a single response from my post.

Again, Thanks, this really counts for something...

[Danny McMilton]

Is it correct that you view pornography compulsively and yet do not masturbate? That is not the normal experience. Most guys view porn and masturbate at the same time. Do you have some way of having regular orgasms? If not, well then you must be very frustrated indeed.

Thanks for your post. Thats true, I never masturbate, I've tried a few times but I could not get absolute pleasure in doing so. Orgasm, I only know about it from the internet and books, and as far as ejaculating, it only happens in wet dreams.

I hope you will continue to correspond here with our community. This sort of place you find yourself in is a place you can improve, but it will require a journey of personal growth. I think you would benefit from professional assistance in this matter, but also it will be helpful to reality test some of your assumptions and to have some support. You can do this, I suspect, but not without some willingness to challenge the status quo, some dedication to doing the required work and some ability to tolerate the disruption of altering your habits.

I will stick around with this community so that, I can help myself and get my life sorted out, and become a normal functioning member of society at large. Thank you.

[Danny McMilton]

Porn gives a very lobsided perspective on sexual intimacy. In porn it is generally about the guy's pleasure and there is no real intimacy or foreplay portrayed. Porn isn't real sex at all, is what I'm saying. It is this sort of distorted sexual fantasy. So, if you've been consuming porn all these years, possibly prior to your actual sexual encounters with women, then it is possible that you don't understand what actual sex involves. it is possible that you are judging yourself against the exploits of the professional porn actors, who are distortions of actual normal people, who have a lot of plastic surgery and who take a lot of drugs, some performance enhancing, in order to look and act they way they do on screen.

That I can relate to. My first access to pornography was when I was about 12yo, my Aunt showed me the magazine, since then, I consumed it heavily. I was a late starter in the dating game, my first girlfriend was when I was 18, it was a brief stint, we only went as far as kissing. Then I went to college for my degree, I had my second girlfriend, everytime she hugged me, I would get an instant erection, quite embarrassing at the time. We ended the relationship without ever having sex(even attempting). Then I had my third girlfriend who went all out to get me, she liked sex play, I was in a hotel with her on the bed, playing with her body, but I could not get a hard erection, our relationship ended without sex.

Then my forth girlfriend, we dated for 3.5 years, we both loved each other dearly, she slept at my place and I slept at her place, we had tons of fun without having sex. Every time I would try to have sex, my member would not rise to the occasion, this started to hurt the relationship, especially from my side. Another down-side was that we were not talking about sex, it was sort of taboo between me and my girlfriend, we were both shy. Eventually we parted ways, almost two years now, I have not been able to date, because I know that I will not be able to satisfy my girl. I called my Ex(4th), at the beginning of the year, we chatted and she asked me to come over, she had my pictures all over her wall, we talked through the whole day, to such an extent that I had to stay for the night, the same problem happed again, this time it was far worse, I could not even get a single erection, not semi-hard, just a flaccid old John. She question if there is something wrong with her? I said no, I did not how to answer. I wish I had money at the time to buy some viagra( costs $28 per pill in my part of the world)....

Thanks

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Danny,

Erectile problems are more common for men than you might think. I suspect that your anxiety causes you to lose your erection when you are with a woman. However, I would suggest and encourage you to get a full medical evaluation. You never know what physical disorders might be present that can cause erectile problems. High Blood pressure, diabetes, neurogical problems and cardo vascular problems can each interfere. It's always better to rule out anything physical. If those and others are ruled out then I would suggest psychotherapy.

Allan

[RV9Garage]

, I know that a question that I might be asked is, Do I fantasize about underage girls, or try to engage in a relationship with them? The answer is no, I've thought about it, but I cannot even paint that picture, I find it gross and disturbing.

I think you've pretty much answered your own question here. I suspect yours is a perfectly normal reaction.

I too have surfed porn, but only here and there, so I can't completely relate. But I've run across underage stuff, just nudism, nothing illegal (underage+naked is not necessarily illegal) and had sort of a "holy crap I've got to get out of here" twinge.

Anyway, I'm not qualified to address your specific questions but wanted to point out that if you have seen actual child pornography, even accidentally, you likely have traces of it on your computer. You don't have to specifically download something for it to be on your computer for a very long time. Web browsers have caches where they store virtually everything that's even appeared on your screen.

I'd hate for some overzealous prosecutor to subpoena a list of IP addresses of anyone who merely surfed by a bad site and pursue prosecutions based on that. Seems unlikely but you never know.