Hello, I’ve posted here before…

[Bluesmoke]

I posted before what I believe was a rather incoherent mess of ideas and issues I had on my mind, and I never managed to get the time to do anything with this.

I don’t know which forum this belongs to, I don’t have an axis I or II really, I am a ‘medical’ student of sorts, ironically doing my psychiatric rotation, and (disregarding somatoform disorders, no hypochondriasis here, although the stress I endure in life is definitely showing up physically) I am not really sure how to express what I have on my mind.

In essence, discounting all things that bother me – I want to cry. I haven’t cried in a very long time, and I believe that crying might help alleviate some of my strain. But like I said, I can’t cry. I’ve tried things I’ve read around here, and nothing worked. I get really frustrated with what I have to go through, it gets harder every day. At the end of each day, I feel I cannot distress at all, activities that used to help with that no longer seem to do the trick, and from all this – I have this intense urge to cry my eyes out, just get down on the floor and drown in my own tears – and yet, despite my feeling all this, I can’t produce a single tear.

Does anyone have any ideas what I can do? Anything out there that can encourage some sort of emotional flood gate opening that can help me with this?

Bluesmoke

[Endlessnight]

Hi Bluesmoke. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad right now. I haven't read your previous 'incoherent':p post so please forgive my not knowing exactly what is wrong. Could you explain a little more? Are you on any medication?

If I have read your post correctly, you are a medical student and things are hard for you right now. You said:

In essence, discounting all things that bother me – I want to cry.

but why discount them? Aren't they the cause of all you are feeling? If so then maybe writing about them might help and might even let loose the floodgates and enable you to cry. This is a good place to write about what is bothering you. Maybe if we know we can offer better advice, and, as I said, it might help you relieve some of the stress you are feeling.

Take care.

[Bluesmoke]

Hi Endlessnight,

It’s difficult for me to really explain what is wrong, there’s a lot out there that makes one large network of problems I suppose, and it’s not easy to summarize it into a paragraph. To make a long story short, I come from a rather traumatic background (near-death experiences, suicidal attempts) and have been going through immense social problems for as long as I remember. At the moment, the best I can describe things is that I am socially isolated, I am surrounded by people but I don’t really have friends or anyone to pass time with. My relationships have always been of a promiscuous nature without any real content, so that adds to it. Most people that know me, because of my sarcasm and generally pessimistic view of things and taste in music and humor as well as movies, fluff stuff like that, seem to perceive me in a negative light, my classmates for instance keep calling me “psycho”, “crazy”, “freak”, which is really odd considering we’re not in high school, yet I suffer this brutal bullying from them. I guess you can imagine group projects are nightmares.

Also I hate to really elaborate about my problems, over the years I’ve learned to shut up and just take it, live through and survive without really talking to anyone or trying to make sense of things. So it feels really uncomfortable to even disclose as much as I did just now. There’s more than this out there for me, but I just can’t bring myself to write about it or tell anyone about it. So, to make another long story short, I am just feeling bad, really really bad, and it’s not that I want to kill myself, but those thoughts have crossed my mind a lot recently, I’m just not feeling up to life at the moment, and I figure – all this stress and anxiety, all this anger and all the stuff pent up inside – should render some crying, and it doesn’t, and I don’t know why I can’t cry.

Also, to add – I am not on any medication, as crazy as it may sound, I don’t even think I could ever take any psychotropics after seeing what they do to some patients.

Nonetheless, writing about all this doesn’t make me feel too good, it makes me focus more on what’s wrong and I feel like it’s burying me deeper and deeper and I fear I may not find a way out of this pit of angering and depressing issues, but in a way sorting it out more or less is making it a bit lighter on my chest.

[58corvette]

I am not necessarilly recommending this; as I dont know if it helps. But you did state you want to cry but cant.

When I was living alone away from my Children & Family. That itself made me cry. Although there were times I could'nt cry myself; partly because I was alone & or would suppress it; out of fear it would bring me down more.

Is there Someone, Something or Memories that you Miss. A book or Movie that makes you Sentimental. If you concentrate on something like that & just let go & relax; sometimes that works.

However as I said I dont necessarily recomend this if you feel it will make matters worse?

[Waiting]

Hi Bluesmoke,

Crying can be hard because we have been taught all our loves that only babies cry. We have been taught to contain all of our basic emotions and urges. We are taught that wanting sympathy is weak and pathetic.

The thing s all of these thing are part of what it is to be human and it is hard to get past them. It is hard for us to even see these feelings sometimes.

Here are some suggestions.

1. Wallow is your sorrow sometimes. You can't do this always, but at times it can be good. Don't discount anything. Don't say anything is silly. Try to relive some things that make you sad.

2. Find some music that relates to how you feel i terms of your sadness.

3. Find a sympathetic soul and explain to them how things are affecting you. I can type things about myself, but when I talk to someone I often begin to cry just from that and I don't know why.

3. Take an event that makes you sad and relive it but remove all restrictions because it is not real. Allow your self in this reliving in your head to do what you really want to do deep down inside. Start with with an event that involves someone not close to you and let your morality go. I have done this and it is hard. In my mind I ended beating the cause of my frustration senseless in my imagination and then I cried. I cried because I realized what I wanted to do deep down inside was not nice, it was not civilized, it was not like the person I believe I am. i cried over guilt over these deep feelings.

I hope these ideas can help you.

Waiting

[Endlessnight]

Hi Bluesmoke. I am so sorry that writing what you did in response to my post made you feel even worse.

I know how it feels to keep things bottled up. I did that for over 30 years. I had no one that would listen or understand how I was feeling so I kept everything inside and it was killing me. On this forum I have been able to let some of my feelings out and i was hoping that, over time, you might feel the same and find some relief as I have. If you are not comfortable talking in public you can pm me if that would be helpful to you.

Could you try and not worry about your inability to cry? It might be making your feelings of anxiety worse, and you will be stuck in a catch-22 situation. There are other ways to let out our feelings of pain, hurt and anxiety; writing is one way, whether here or just in a journal. Do you have any friends or family that might support you, that you might feel comfortable talking to?

You said you don't take meds. Have you seen anyone about how you are feeling? I'm not sure I know what psychotropics are but there are many different kinds of medications for depression, do you have any options there?

I know sometimes we just want to give up, but I hope you won't give up and will keep on trying to find a way for you to get better. Please remember you are not alone in this, okay?

Take care.

[Bluesmoke]

Hi corvette,

Thanks for the attempt, but this is not helpful to me… I tried many things including what you mentioned and yet I couldn’t get it to work. I’d concentrate, relax, and I could feel that pre-crying feeling in my eyes, but then it just stops.

Waiting,

I have tried those as well, and none have worked. Sometimes the music helps me feel better, but other times when I think of it too much it sort of puts me in a flash-back like vision, I just get stuck in something that happened to me while listening to the music, same works with the last ideas you suggested, I know what that feels like, but it never got me to cry…

Thank you anyway, Waiting.

Endlessnight,

My problem is not just fearing to let it out, it’s mostly because I feel my sadness and problems are not as important as other things, I also have this odd fear that no one will believe me and just tell me “suck it up” or “Man up”, this has happened before. I’m sure this is an environment where I can let things out and this sort of reaction won’t happen, but because of past experiences I feel that way now, natural fear of repetition I suppose.

I do want to let things out, but I don’t know where to start, I’ve been keeping things inside for almost 10 years as far as I can remember, I just don’t know where to begin.

Sadly, I don’t have much of a family that I can talk to, most of my family are people that don’t believe in sharing feelings and I am not too close to them to begin with. Friends…are a tough one, over the course of the last 4 years I have managed to alienate many people, I am not sure how, but I have only 2 individuals that could be considered as friends in my life, and I don’t see them too often because we’re all busy people.

And about the meds, I am honestly just afraid of what the meds can do to me, otherwise I would have probably attempted to get myself on something, but that is also a problem coz I’ve spoken to professionals before – and their behavior just scared me, didn’t build any trust with me, and I didn’t feel that they could help me. So to summarize, I just don’t really know what to do or where to start, and if to tell about what’s bothering me with life, I am not sure how to begin that either… do I start from 10 years ago or do I start with what happened this week?

I feel bad for writing this too because I feel like I am whining and I shouldn’t be doing that, I just don’t like complaining like this.

Thank you Endlessnight and everyone for taking the time to write, I do feel better since I am not alone on this and that there are people out there that can offer some insight and ideas and not reject me and tell me to just get over things.

[58corvette]

Endlessnight;

I am sorry I was unable to help. However please dont feel like you are a Whining, Complaining or have to "Man-Up". That is part of the problem Society & we ourselves as Men deal with; Not to Cry because we are "MEN".

So I for one will not Reject or tell you to get Over It. The fact that you are trying to find an answer & figure out where to start, in order to Cry is a beginning.

[Bluesmoke]

Thank you Corvette, that really makes me feel better, man.

[Endlessnight]

Hi Bluesmoke. I just wanted to ask how you were doing?

My problem is not just fearing to let it out, it’s mostly because I feel my sadness and problems are not as important as other things, I also have this odd fear that no one will believe me and just tell me “suck it up” or “Man up”,

Of course your feelings and problems are important! And I hope that, one day you will be comfortable enough to write about some of your feelings and problems here.

Maybe you could post how you are feeling each day, as a kind of journal, here on your thread? Sometimes things make more sense when they are written down and we read them over again.

Be kind to yourself. I know that has been the hardest part for me: trying to not blame myself for everything, but I am trying and learning to take things one step at a time. I hope you learn to cut yourself some slack too.

Take care.