I feel like i'm suffocating

[demeter]

I'm sure this will all pass tomorrow or just hide itself in the back of my mind where I can ignore it. I know I have had problems with depression for a while. It's been on and off since childhood. Lately I have started hating myself. I met someone, a friend since high school actually. It hasn't been long but I feel like I'm slowly starting to attach myself to this person and I'm afraid of doing that. I'm married which makes me hate myself more and it makes me more depressed. But I can't stop myself from doing the things I have done any more or am going to do. This person told me he loved me the other day and I couldn't respond. Not because I can't but because I don't want to let this person in and be crushed like so many times before. I know I have a lot of problems and issues keeping me from having any good relationship. I feel like I am not meant to be with another person because no one has ever been able to handle me and my baggage. Everyone I trusted has let me down.

I feel like I'm suffocating and sometimes I can't breathe. I hate myself when I think about the things I have done and yet there is another part of me glad to have that one small escape. That one little bit of happiness that I know won't last long and I just want to cling to it for as long as I can despite the consequences.