Wondering what I should do

[randomperson]

Signed up on the forums a few weeks back. Met some very nice people.

I'm realizing it might be wise for me to get some type of help. I tried meds from the Dr once and it made me suicidal, deeply suicidal. I really don't want to go through that again.. and I can't not right now there is too much on my shoulders to have another break down.

What I have been through in my life would likely give anyone issues.. what I am going through right now would likely cause anyone major stress. From hearing others I feel I just need serious help.. advice.. on how to deal with the emotional issues that haunt me, and how to deal with current problems that seem too much at times.

I always thought therapists would be too expensive.. group therapy not helpful enough.

I would appreciate any advice on what I should do.

[58corvette]

Being here on this site as I am is a start.

I to feel in many ways the same as you. Money is an issue. Group Therapy in the past has been helpful for me. It allows you to get things out in the open. Finding others who need help & make you feel not Alone.

I to know i need more help than this site. I have a sheet in front of me that I received from behavioral health clinic with county. It is a Volunteer center called "First Call for Help". Crisis Intervention.

I just havent found the nerve yet to call & ask & seek proper help that doesnt require Money. I do know there are County Agencies or Crisis Hotlines that may help at no cost.

Please keep trying as I am. Hopefully you, I & others can get through our own personal Crisis & Demons together & with help from others.

[randomperson]

Thank you. Just reading your posts helps ease my anxiety a bit. I feel so overwhelmed at times. I notice even in here when I mention everything all at once, all my problems everything I'm going through I often don't hear back.. I start to doubt myself. Then I tell myself no it's just me over reacting like I often do. It is so hard to deal with at times. Like I have so many major problems already without being a bit off emotionally lol.

Others need me I need to be stronger than I am. I wish I was someone else so many times.

[Waiting]

Hi randomperson,

I am sorry for what is going on with you.

Certainly med have been known to increase suicidal thoughts which is why it is important to report things to your doctor.

I suggest you don't give up after trying only once.

Waiting

[58corvette]

Keep Writing;

Let it out; again I can relate to your feelings very well. I know my 3 children Love, Care & Need me. But at this point I feel I am no help whatsoever to them. I to wish I were someone else, and at a better place in my life RIGHT NOW!!!

But just me being alive & trying to find help; allows Hope Still. Right now I am feeling a lot of Anxiety, like I should be doing something else. But I am not at this moment. This helps. Just knowing as your feeling that someone out here is listening & responding.

[randomperson]

Thank you so much. So much has happened that is linked together making it so hard to just "get over". Like I can't talk about one problem without mentioning how something else is linked to it causing it to be a larger problem.. then in the end it gets so confusing even to me lol.

[randomperson]

All linked back to the car wreck I was in when I was a child that killed most of my family. It ruined my life started a cascade that has destroyed everything!

So much.. my mother being beat afterwards by my step father.. being picked on in school.. leading to social isolation.. leading to me not dating.. having low self esteem.. I can just go on and on and on.. So many problems.. even now.. does everyone go through all of this.. just in a year I had the death of a close friend, my step father.. my dog.. I got engaged broke up.. been off and on with her even to this very week. By the way her father is the one that died and was my best friend.. I sound crazy just talking about it.. sounds like a soap opera lol.. I scare people off.. and that leads to the hardest thing I struggle with right now feeling like I chase people off which leads to me being clingy.. which leads to me chasing people off more

I was doing a bit better until I tried helping my ex. She is going through custody (with someone who abused her!!), lot of emotional issues herself. She withdraws from everyone.. especially me. It triggers my phobia of being ignored. Especially when I see her active on FB and she chooses not to write. I start to doubt everything.

But they did need my help. Mom needs my help and has major emotional issues. Ahh lol. Sorry I am just venting a bit. ..thank you just for listening..

[58corvette]

Again I completly understand.

It becomes so confussing & frustrating; that for me I accomplish nothing & feel "PARALIZED" by it. So by the end of the day & into the night I dont sleep well at all.

When I wake up i am always depressed. Coffee helps get me going a bit & is a stimulant. But isnt the answer.

Again though this is helping by writing what I feel & finding others who respond. That in itself gives me something for now to at least look forward to.

[randomperson]

It is like I feel if I was "normal" I would be able to help them.

The emotional back and forth I have on so many things right now makes me feel a bit nuts..

[58corvette]

I just read your last post; Please Keep Writing & Letting it out.

In the last year & a half I quit my job & relocated. Do to my own Lonliness & my Oldest Sons cry for help. He has Addiction Issues with Pills.

In that time my Twin Son was in a Major Head On Collision. Very Critical on thanksgiving day last year. He Survived but is permanetly dissabled.

A month later my Dad was diagnosed with Cancer & died a month after that. Me & my son had a falling out with my Mom & my little Brother who is has a Drug & Alcohol Problem & is very dangerous. He threatened to kill me with a gun.

I had to cash in my retirement just to survive. My ex wife I gave half to. Which helped her.

Now the money is running out for me & my son.

[randomperson]

Your just like me.. going through so much.

[randomperson]

Just this week my ex is going through custody with a man that abused her and caused 90% of the problems between us. He doesn't care about his daughter just wants to control her. So off and on she ignores me.. but when she does talk says the sweetest things. Just last message Monday she wrote she always thinks of me. Her mother was open to the idea of moving to my city with her and she got all excited. Now it looks like she will be stuck in her city because of custody and me in mine because of my mother being disabled. I know I shouldn't keep falling for her. But I love her anyway as much as I try not to.. been almost a year exact since we broke up. Never have got over her and there has always been this odd teasing she has done.. mixed signals.. I just now figured out the break up everything was likely do to her emotional issues.. now I am trying to sort through it all figure out what it means what I should do... do I force myself to ignore her.. keep trying.. I don't know. Talking to her mom a few days ago... She cried that I was helping.. her mom said she thought she loved me.. but I don't know what is going on.

My mother is struggling being disabled and not having others around her besides me.. but when I am around we just seem to make each other more depressed. I am the last of my family.

I fear I am going to die alone.. I know it is just my mind.. but so much has happened.. though it might not happen it is very logical.. and only helps to validate so much of my fears.

[randomperson]

I so feel where you are at.. and going through right now. Your not alone in how you feel. I felt nuts. Your helping me see these overwhelming emotions are more normal than I thought considering all I am going through. Thank you so much this is helping.

I read your other thread. What you are feeling is what I am. Your not lazy and unmotivated. Just hurting and it feels as you said like your paralyzed. So much going on it almost overwhelms you.

If you were in my city I would gladly help you job hunt. One thing I can say things are picking up some in the economy some people I know that have been out of work for months are now getting jobs. We have to keep hoping. You have helped me today thank you. I hope this helps some.

You are a good person. We have to take baby steps. One day at a time.

Thank you this helped me so much.

Gotta go mom worries when I am late lol.

But thanks again.

[58corvette]

Random;

You are welcome. And Thank You. Sounds like you are a good well meaning Person who has been through quite a bit. I still want to believe myself that good things can happen to good people.

I know for me personally my ex does not love or care about me. We have 3 children together. That is really our only connection Now.

For you I hope the best. Just Please remember as I must you are never alone & there is always hope.

[randomperson]

I'm not sure if my ex girlfriend loves me or not, part of my problem lol.

If I knew she didn't I would be able to move on easier.

Thank you for showing me I'm not as crazy or alone as I was feeling when I started writing.

[Endlessnight]

Hi Guys.

I have been reading your posts and i'm sorry things are so rough right now. I don't really have any advice that might be helpful, I wanted to let you know that we won't rush off if you go on about your problems. This is why this forum exists, to help people. I know that sometimes the side effects of medication can be bad, but would it be possible to have your meds changed, or the dosage adjusted?

I know that trying to isolate one problem and talk about it can be hard. I was that way too. When I thought about talking about my problems, trying to figure out where to start, I would become so anxious that I would freeze up and not be able to say anything at all. Now I just let things come out as they will. When my memories overwhelm me I try and write them here. It has taken a lot of encouragement and kindness from people here to get me to do that as it is not easy to share painful memories with others, but I know that noone here will make fun of my problems or be judgemental about them. It is safe here. Take care.

[Waiting]

Hi Randomperson,

Normal is simply another word for not knowing someone well enough.

I suggest if you were "normal" (I translate that as not mentally unstable) that you would NOT be able to help them. One thing I have learned is "normal" people just can't understand people with issues. I have found I can really only get support that helps from people who have experienced something similar. My kids are great and love me and support me, but they don't really understand and I hope they never really do, because for them to really understand me they would need to experience something like this and I do not want that ever.

Part of feeing alone is due to not being understood. People just don't understand why you don't just suck it up ad move on and that makes you feel like a sub-standard person, but it is not true we are not sub standard. We are simply different people in different circumstances.

You are far from alone, but people hind these things. I have been depressed for 9 years. I have felt so alone. I tried fixing my relationship with my wife for 7 years. It took that long for me to realize it didn't matter whether she loved me or not. I could not deal with the relationship. We were wrong for each other and I needed to move on. It was not easy and still is not.

Waiting

[randomperson]

This thread helped me make it through the weekend more at peace

Waiting your right. People that have not been through tons of pain just don't seem to get it even when they try. I was feeling a little like a freak lol.

I am glad I found this community. Already it has helped me

Right now wouldn't be a good time to try new medication for me. If I crash and burn it would hurt others as well. My mother is totally dependent on me now that my step father has passed.

I am finding out as I am growing emotionally, often things are not as they seem. A woman ignores me.. I think it is me. I have found out sometimes it is her, things going on in her life.

I know I need peace.. patience.. to just relax and go with life.. not to worry.

But that is what I struggle the most with. I am wired to think ahead plan for problems. I worry when it seems like someone is ignoring me, it is painful for me. I think if I can fix these main problems I might be ok.. but I don't know how. Everyone keeps telling me to just do it. Keep trying. But it simply isn't working.. and I am trying lol.

Like last week my ex had me stirred up, what threw me into a panic made me start thinking of other problems, why I needed this so badly. She is going through a nasty custody and just isn't prepping. Her family has been very supportive and asked for help. Her mom cried when I said I would help. So she has been off and on ignoring me for the last few months. Writes once or twice every few weeks. Trying to figure that out, figure her out is a challenge. Her family says they think she loves me.. she even has.

Anyway last week her mom suggested they might move down with me once things settle and we talked about the custody issue she is going through. The guy is horrible really a mean uncaring person. But he stopped by to talk to them the day after she saw her lawyer saying he didn't want to fight in court rather settle it out on paper. My ex girlfriend after she wrote that said she thought she could handle this one on her own, would feel like she was using me and hurting me if she accepted my help and was "so tired of hurting me". But also said she thought of me all the time and asked how I was.

Last I heard from her. Then called her mom who days earlier said call anytime that she would always be there and she hung up on me tried a day later left a message never got a call back. Still have not heard from either of them just her sister who says she feels just as left out of the loop and doesn't know what is going on. All of it got my imagination running wild.. started looping my emotional issues. Wondering what is happening, how to help, if I should help, if she does love me, if she wants me in her life.

Problem is I still love her.. after a year being apart I still love her.

Not sure if it is my other emotional issues the fact that she was my only girlfriend why I do but I do. And I am not sure what to do about any of this.. well I know what I should do just be patient put all of this on the back burner let time pass.. but it is so hard for me lol. Don't know how if that makes since. And it is triggering other problems for me.. bringing up thoughts of my pains and troubles right now. I know if it wasn't long distance none of this would be an issue.. if I could just see her I could ease both of our fears and problems.. but I can't move because I have to watch after my mother.

[Waiting]

I am glad we have been of help to you.

Things are rarely simple. It took me seven years of major depression to realize that I was not going to be happy with my ex ad to move on. It was never easy and the conflicts still continue.

Medications rarely make people crash and burn and making yourself well for you, will also make yourself well for others.

Waiting

[randomperson]

I did try some once for several months during the worst part Zoloft I think it was called.. and it made me worse, very suicidal. A few weeks after I got off of them I started getting a little better. I know strong chance the next wouldn't effect me that way but I just don't feel comfortable taking that risk right now.