Is it me there is something wrong with?

[sadgreeneyes]

Maybe it sounds silly to write this as I am thinking is it me there is something wrong with. Sometimes I start talking luvy duvy words to my husband ( we are not in same country yet, he will come in about 6-8 months, so I am getting frustrated as I wish he was more sexual with luvy duvy words...being a little dirty but in a loving way. He never say anything like this. I am getting frustrated and have asked him several times why he never say something to me, he say he thinks about making love and all just like me but that he keeps quitet. I have promised myself before over and over again not to ever talk to him like this again because he never do and it hurts me, when I say this to him that I will never talk again about this he say nooo and that I can talk and that its normal. But I say why should I talk when I am the only one. He always say to me after a while please let us change subject now. And at same time when I had said I will never ever talk again about this then he said did I want to make him in bad mood now. So he say both can we change the subject now and at same time say I make him in bad mood for saying I will never ever talk about it again. I said of course I dont want him in bad mood.. only that why should I talk when he doesn`t. Its not fun being the only one to say things how I miss him this way ( he was virgin before marrying me). I feel hurt and now I wonder is it me there is something wrong with? Is it normal to get hurt by this? I am getting frustrated because I feel he doesnt want to be sexual with me, neither physical when I met him( performance anxiety) and not verbally.

Why do I get so frustrated I ask myself. I know I´ve been in several abusive r/ships before and I am used to that the men are little rough and very sexual. Now I have married a virgin and it feels like I have to fight for my life to get him to be sexual with me.

And I wonder am I not normal who wants him to talk little dirty to me? I need to know and feel that he desires me and I dont know that as he had performance anxiety. He say he wish everything like me but why it is so hard to talk little dirty in a loving way saying he misses me that way.

Is it me who have a too big gap between abusive r/ships and a healthy r/s?

Is it me who acts aggressive or feeling hurt because I ask for this and not get it? I feel like a criminal when I want him to talk like that to me.

Is it me there is something wrong with?

As I know myself I am attracted to the bad guys, thats why I always met abusive guys and bad guys always behave little dirty. I wish my husband was more like them both physical and now verbally as I wish to know does my husband desire me. I have to admit I think about my husband and I wish he did this and that to me, but still want him to be not abusive. Why do I have fantasies that my husband would be rough when I want a healthy r/ship? Is that normal? I am talking more than the "normal rough". I even fantasize he be sexually abusive but still love me genuine. So if I have met a nice husband is it like nice men doesnt talk like this?

I feel I`m making myself vulnerable so I have promised myself I will never talk ever again that I misses him this way. How can that make him in bad mood, shouldnt it be me being in bad mood? Or maybe all is wrong with me?

[chatterbox512]

Sadgreeneyes,

It sounds like you are in a complicated situation!! I know some guys are just not comfortable talking like this (I know my husband is the same way). Have you asked him why he is not wanting you to talk like this? Have you told him about your fantisces(sp?) Maybe you could talk to him honestly about how to communicate these feelings you have for him, and still both be comfortable with the outcome.

It is possible that he is in another relationship and he doesn't know how to tell you, but I think more so it is just discomfort. Try being frank with him (as I am sure you have tried) and see where it gets you. Otherwise try writing him a letter expressing how you feel both about the situation and how you feel about it, and how much you miss him. It is also possible that were ever he is he has people with him, and talking like that would be ackward and uncomfortable. Not that I am giving excuses just suggestions. 6-8 months is a long time when you are longing for that kind of connection even over the phone and you are not getting it.

[Waiting]

Hi sadgreeneyes,

There is nothing wrong with you at all. People are just all different.

I think you get frustrated because you are apart and want something to make you feel loved and that is perfectly natural. Likely he is uncomfortable with this and I am sure it has nothing to do with you, it is just him.

You are perfectly normal. My partner and I talk cutesy and dirty all the time. The fact that he was a virgin could suggest he is not as confident or comfortable as you in this respect. The same applies for rough sex. It is a turn on for many people both male and females and is perfectly normal, but it is not for everybody.

I have anxiety and so I can recognize in in your words. Try to cut through his nervousness and simply ask him if he loves you and tell him you miss him so much and want to feel that. Many you can meet halfway and he can tells you he loves you more or ask him if there is anything he wants to do.

I suggest it puts him in a bad mood because he feels he is letting you down and it is triggering his insecurities.

Waiting

[sadgreeneyes]

Thank you so much for replying to me chatterbox and Wating,

he hasn`t said to me he doesn`t want me to talk like that, as I wrote he say I can and its normal but he himself never do. He is not in other r/s, we have just married and he was a virgin when we met. The only thing that make sense is that he has people around him as he sit in a internet cafe, so it might be some of the reason why he isn`t talking to me like this.

I have not told him about my fantasies...I`m afraid he will think I´m crazy or I`m afraid he will look at me like I`m not normal or in need of help. Because I do know of course that my fantasies is not normal in healthy r/s. I do on the other side think that if he really did these fantasies to me I wold enjoy it but at same time feel hurt and be very sad after this. I dont understand why I am so ambivalent about it. Why do I fantasize about something that I know would make me sad after the incident, because I know by experience it is making me sad. So dont know why I have fantasies about it, knowing I want to experience it with him but know I will feel sad afterwards.

You have wise words Waiting, I think you a are very right I long for the safety to know he desires me and loves me. He tells me every day he loves me, on web cam and and sms, this isnt the problem, problem is I crave this sexually stuff and him not giving it to me makes me frustrated. You are right I wish I knew he desire me. When marrying a virgin who has problems holding and kissing me and I dont know till he gets here does he desire me it makes me anxious and have an urge to know so I guess I try verbally but still I have these fantasies which has nothing to do with him desiring me. People can desire someone without being abusive. Not even sure anymore where does the line go before things turns sexually abusive.

I´m not sure if it is his insecurities or not, I have noticed for the 4th time he always go to the bathroom after I have made him answering me or talking sex talk..making me think he`s washing his mouth like they do before praying, I asked him about this and he said he had never heard a question like this and that its not like that...he said they wash their mouth when praying yes but not when making him answering me on my dirty talk. Well I found it weird he for the 4th time has to go to bathroom right after and today he said oh my God I´m just going to toilet but tonight when he came back he had washed his face. I am honestly getting sick of the whole thing. It honestly seem like he sooo asexual and sooo have to be clean "now I´ve sinned by talk or whatever" that it makes me sick or give up. I just dont care anymore. Even I do love him I am losing interest...not in loving him...I always will love him...but it just turns me off...mostly because it hurts me and I feel rejected...I want a man who desires me.

Maybe he isnt that confident but I asked him about this and he told me he wasnt shy to talk like this...he then said do me do you know why I dont talk and when I wanted to hear the answer( we talk it away somehow but get back to it) he explain it with no answer at all just saying he was thinking was I shy when we made love. That isnt any answer why he doesnt talk its obvious just something he made up there and then so not to have to answer.

I dont know what to think, will not talk to him ever again about this unless he does himself. I am done giving something without getting something back. Maybe I too hurt from past and think passive aggressive way. But I dont see any reason for me to talk like that when he cant meet me on halfway.

I am tired fighting for love. Maybe its getting in him bad mood because of his own insecurities. I think I will calm down, not ever talk about it unless he does, there just isnt any point.