How to overcome shyness

[Athena]

Shyness. There's a word that literally makes me cringe. My family have always described me as shy, which has always been a huge put-down, because they like to contrast it with my sister, who they describe as confident and outgoing. I think she actually fed off my shyness, because I was such an easy target to step all over so she could feel even more superior. And it worked so well for her. She demanded and got all the attention. I was invisible. Kind of like in that movie "Ordinary People" that came out In 1980. I so identified with Timothy Hutton's character (unfortunately he ended up killing himself and I totally get why).

The "ordinary" part of it is that there was no early childhood trauma, just an endless daily barrage of subtle putdowns by your family, along with constant praise heaped on the other sibling.

My "coping" mechanism was to be a workaholic - at school and later on in the working world. I ended up going into sales positions just to try to prove I could beat this. And in a work setting, I wasn't too bad, because that's about providing a service, not about your very core - your personality. But life is not all about work. And I've decided to take as much time off as necessary to beat this. CBT has been cited as a way to beat it. Been there, done that, it didn't work for me. On the other hand, I keep hearing that a mental disorder (well, that's what i call it, because that's what i think has caused my lifelong depression and apathy) that has been around that long takes YEARs to fix. I've recently started psychoanalysis 4x a week (during the daytime because I have young kids.) I guess I should consider myself lucky that I can actually take some time off to do that, but that luxury won't be around forever and some personal financial crises threaten to wipe me out at any moment (loss of disability income, divorce from a guy who lived off me, other problems) so I'm feeling some urgency to make this process work as quickly as possible.

This website is pretty much my only support because my family don't understand, the few friends I had have disappeared over the course of my divorce proceedings and I simply appear too outwardly successful to warrant helping. Even family law act rules work against me, unlike for most women.

So, anybody have any suggestions for me? Can anybody relate?

[Waiting]

Hi Athena, I am sorry about this and how it is affecting you.

I am not in general shy, but I have severe shyness about romantic issues. Basically I can't bring myself to initiate a relationship. As silly as it sounds I won't act because I am afraid I will mess it up and loose the person, so I don't act and therefore will never gain them.

I was a virgin until I was 26 and when I got into a relationship it was a bad one because I had no experience and no clue.

Does the therapy seem to be helping at all?

Waiting

[Athena]

Unfortunately, I experienced a very unexpected erotic transference towards my therapist, in my view way too early on in the process for me to handle, so it has kind of introduced an additional problem I didn't have before. Although i am suffering massive embarrassment over this, what I did learn from it is that I probably need to get out there and start dating. After 20 years of a pretty passionless marriage, I discovered I'm still alive.

[IrmaJean]

I can definitely relate, Athena. I spent most of my life being very shy and have (mostly) overcome it. There is one thing I do want to mention. I hope that you will offer yourself some acceptance and know that being reserved is likely a part of who you are. It's like with anything else, though, where balance is essential.

My first question would be is it the shyness that has been causing you pain or is it in the judgment you feel others have placed on you for being shy?

What worked for me was changing how I presented myself. I work in retail, also, and it has been immensely helpful. If for nothing else other than to practice my skills. Once others begin responding more positively to you, you will begin to feel small successes. These successes can build upon themselves and help your feelings of self-efficacy.

I used to think others were always on the lookout for any of my "mistakes", taking note of them and then judging me for them. I realize now that everyone is human, just as I am. The person you are talking with is likely not focused entirely on your social skills. Realizing this might ease some of the pressure. Try challenging yourself a little at a time. Make more eye contact. Smile more. Maintain good posture. Growth can happen when you challenge your beliefs, open your mind up to the possibilities and place yourself in a zone of discomfort. Little by little, with small victories, the discomfort eases. This is how things played out for me anyhow. I will never be outgoing or the life of the party, but I manage much better now and with much less anxiety. If I can do it, you can too, Athena.

I hope you are feeling better about this very soon.

[Athena]

IJ, thanks for your comments. As I was writing my post, I realized it is the judgement of others in relation to my shyness that really bothers me. I guess I feel that if my own family view it as a defect, then so does everybody else. Not to mention the fact that I myself gravitate to people who are not shy ( very hard to carry on a conversation when you are both like this).

I agree with you regarding how one presents themselves. I have had a lifetime of poor posture, and have spent the last year trying to fix it (pretty much had to as I had chronic neck, shoulder and back pain due to a combination of poor posture, stress, computers and picking up kids). I have found the "outside" much easier to fix than the "inside" however. Now my main lifetime coping method (overwork to the point of total breakdown physically and emotionally) is now being viciously used against me by my ex. My "Superwoman" exterior gets him so much undeserved sympathy from the lawyers. And I realize now the reason I stayed with such an abusive person for so long is because of my fear of being alone, which stems from the darn

"shyness" (oh, I still HATE that word!).