A long and twisting road

[StanWills]

I should be posting more, either to help myself or others. Conversation, even if it's one sided, can be of great help or so I'm told. I only got one post to my name so far, guess I'll throw out another.

I've ditched my psyches and meds against the advise of my doctors. I don't care. Anxiety isn't something that can be defeated by others or at least that's what I've decided. My only treatment is to banish it alone.

My past history includes antisocial behavior, violent outbursts, poor impulse control, mixed mood states, paranoia, GAD, panic attacks, depression, multiple drug addictions, yadda-yadda. Aside from talking to invisible entities I think I've done or been done by it all.

Lithium had been a mixed blessing. Initial treatment led to more anxiety followed by a strange adjustment in my behavior. The higher they ramped the dose the more angry I got. The highest dose left me zombified so I canned that. Topamax was total crap, as in that's how it made me feel. Anti-depressants triggered manic episodes, benzodiazapines sunk right in and I almost got hooked on the damn things. They also gave me some awesome withdrawals even with short term treatment.

I gave up drinking since my last post. My god you should have seen me rage. You really don't know how much you can miss something till it's gone. Since then my blood pressure has shot way down, I'm sleeping more naturally and what do you know those damned palpitations are almost gone too. Give up the smoking and I'll be completely drug free.

If you've read this far you're probably saying yeah uh huh that's cool and all, some guy talking about his problems on some board somewhere. I'd like you to know this is huge for me. Hope, peace, relaxation, happiness. These words were never in my dictionary. They still officially aren't but I hope I can see them coming. Damn, I actually said something positive.

I've been every one of you. I can feel that grip pulling your hands. I can feel you shiver on a warm summer day. I can see your expression of faux joy at a friends wedding be torn to pieces as soon as you look away, with a ragged empty visage staring off into that void we live in. I feel your rage, destroying the trivial prizes you never felt proud enough to enjoy, or competent enough to acknowledge. I heard those invisible conversations, from some place some where condemning you, hurting you, pushing you away. Obsession and diversion your only solace, writhing pain your only friend.

I've torn apart everything I am. I've quit my job, moved, found something else to do. I'm slowly inching my way towards the ocean, I've always wanted to live there. If it sucks, I'll keep on moving. The best thing I've done so far is write. Pen, paper, you, somewhere quiet. I steal the first two and earn the others on my own. Reading is also a good thing though I don't enjoy reading as much as writing quite yet. I tried to learn the piano, my instructor doesn't think headbutt sonata is going to win any awards or respect. But that doesn't matter.

Find something to do. Misdirect all the time. Feel a panic attack coming on? Confess your love to the coffee shop girl aloud. Feel like destroying item X? Keep a ball of razor blades as the only thing near you to help in mental negotitations. I'm somehow getting better, that means you can too.

[Luna-]

Keep writing here, Stan. I'm listening.

[Waiting]

Hi Stan,

Your writing is very moving. I am unsure dropping all meds and psychs is the best approach, but we do each have to make our own way.

I often find more benefit from helping others than seeking support. I think that is common. I encourage you to write more. I should myself as well.

Waiting

[chatterbox512]

Stan,

Your writing is very moving. I can tell it is a true release. I am glad that you have found this as a positive out, and that you are working on stopping the drugs and alcohol if you don't feel they are helping you. Keep being strong, and immortalizing yourself in your words.

[anonimous2]

Hi Stan. Thanks for sharing. I too have been making baby steps toward a healthier life. I called off my marriage & left my fiance, we were toxic to one another. Our existence revolved around drug use & me holing myself up in what I thought was my 'safe place' when really I was just hiding from the world. I have not required xanax in about 3 months, I have gotten rid of the buspar & now it's just me, zoloft & cigarettes. I found that kicking my drug habit & my codependent relationship allowed me to move outside of that comfort zone & face a lot of my fears. I have not had angry outbursts or too many extreme emotions. With the holidays nearing I have found my anxiety is slowing creeping back up on me but this is just one more challenge for me to conquer. We're in this together. This Friday I will be 4 wks clean of alcohol as well.