Abuse

[Business]

I've been sitting in my room, fighting with myself over what to do, what do say, what to promise, where to go.

What I'm talking about is a relationship with the only person I could possibly love. All we've been through, all the fights, the drug abuse (her side), the failures, the successes, all the dinners, the laughter, the singing, the fear, the hatred, the love, and the apologies.

My wife and I have been together for 6 years, next month, I'll be 26, she'll be 24. I totally recognize that it isn't her fault, that it isn't her that caused me to do anything. I raised my voice, I disconnected, I pushed her away, I lost my mind.

Two years ago, in January of 2008, we were happy, no issues, we had everything going good, a healthy relationship. Then she went to the dentist and went through a root canal, and got prescribed to Lortabs. That started a crisis that lasted for a full year. The fights got worse and worse, she was an addict, I was in love, we fought so many epic fights that the Iliad could be rewritten. She got physical, I disappeared, came back to find her gone. She cheated, I cheated, she cheated again, we nearly divorced but I couldn't let it end because all of this was due to those pills.

December 28th 2008, she almost overdosed, and her family finally started to give a damn, I was there for her, she got clean. We burnt those divorce papers together and that was the end of the worst year of our lives.

But it stuck with me... I was always suspicious that she would start up again, it played with my mind and I created conspiracies and projected newly developing fears onto her. I never went to get counselling, never reached out for help. As time went on, I got more and more insecure, more and more angry, more and more intimidated and frightened. At one point, I looked around for a life insurance policy knowing in two years the suicide clause would run its term and I could leave her with enough to get her through college.

All these thoughts pushed me away from her, brought me into a shell, made me a different person. I became abusive, slowly but surely. I sat by and watched as my words became sick and twisted, as I belittled her appearance, her actions, her thoughts, and lashed out even when she cried.

November 11th of this very month, I woke up at 6 pm, and descended the stairs to find her on the couch, and the fight started up. It was over a bill for the internet, and the voices started raising, and the burning anger overtook us both. Eventually, I took a left hook to the jaw and lost it... My hand... Was used for the wrong purpose, on the wrong person's cheek...

The next day, I came home from work to find the house empty, her stuff gone, pictures removed, passwords changed and heater turned off. But we're still talking, thinking about getting back together and I don't know if its right to go through with it.

In this whole process over the last two years I turned into something that I never thought I'd become. I've done and said things I didn't know I could do or say. The waiting list for counselling is too long for me to cope with, but I'm still on it. I sent her an e-mail telling her I didn't know that even at my best would I be worth it for her. I'm afraid of myself, and I've been reading about the cycles... They never existed before January of 2009, but I don't know if I can actually do this.

Is it possible to stop the cycle? Should I tell her she will never be safe with me? Should we try this separation period or should I just let her go? She didn't, and never will deserve the way I treated her, the things I did, the things I said. She didn't cause them, I know it was my fault, and I don't know if we'll end up here again...

Yesterday she scared me to death by sending me a video, which I don't know if I can post a link to, regardless of how much I'd like to. I know I've been abusive, but is it me? I regret every word, every action, and definitely when I laid a hand on her.

Am I really abusive? Or did things just get out of control? Did I just lose my mind, or am I who I really am? How do I go on when I don't know if the most important person in this entire world to me, could ever be safe with me? What else can I do, but hate myself while I readdress every fight from her perspective?

[shanrucas]

Hi Business, I am so sorry you are hurting so bad..addiction can effect everyone in the family, there are many types of support groups you can go to. If you fear you are an abusive person there should be agencies you can contact that deal with domestic violence, but there seems to be many issues at play her, her addiction past or present, is her addiction may be a symptom of something else? Just the fact that you regret and admit your actions tell me you are not an abuser, if this is the first time you have acted out. I spent many years working in the field of domestic violence. Any of the abusers I have talked with do not see anything wrong with what they did. They did not want to be accountable, it was always her fault, or something else made them to it... I don't get this sense from you. But please look up a domestic violence agency that deals with men with these issues and maybe they can come up with answer for you..of course one on one counsleing would be good.

Good Luck

Shannon

[chatterbox512]

Business

As I read this post my heart broke for both you and your wife. I can feel the hurt, the anger, the confusion and the regret. I can tell you for cetainty that you are on the right path!! You recongized that there is a problem, you are not denying what has occured between the two of you, and you are making efforts to regain both your relationship and her trust. Which I can tell you will be very difficult. She has to protect herself from what ever she feels is threatening, and unfortunately she does not feel safe with you, but she is still talking to you, so you have a chance to regain the relationship that has been lost.

As hard as it is give it time, stay on the waiting list for a therapist, look around for others that may be available (if you don't have insurance that will be difficult, but if you do go on their website and see what/who they offer) and be patient. Show your wife that you are serious about changing. I can understand how life circumstances can make things happen that you never thought would, but it is now your job to show that you can change again and that you feel you were wrong. And what ever you do don't give up on yourself or on her!!

[Business]

Hi Business, I am so sorry you are hurting so bad..addiction can effect everyone in the family, there are many types of support groups you can go to. If you fear you are an abusive person there should be agencies you can contact that deal with domestic violence, but there seems to be many issues at play her, her addiction past or present, is her addiction may be a symptom of something else? Just the fact that you regret and admit your actions tell me you are not an abuser, if this is the first time you have acted out. I spent many years working in the field of domestic violence. Any of the abusers I have talked with do not see anything wrong with what they did. They did not want to be accountable, it was always her fault, or something else made them to it... I don't get this sense from you. But please look up a domestic violence agency that deals with men with these issues and maybe they can come up with answer for you..of course one on one counsleing would be good.

Good Luck

Shannon

That's exactly what "Chuck" from the national center for domestic violence said, I called them up to have them talk me into sending an e-mail I didn't want to send, to tell her I didn't know if the separation idea was actually a good one.

But how do I know, after all this reading, I've seen that abusers try to control others, and what if this is all just a front? I don't know myself enough anymore. These last two years I locked myself up in my head and blocked off any inflection. I can't even be sure if I'm being genuine when I say these things. How do you know if you really feel regret or if you're just afraid of being alone? Every site I find, every source I call is centered on the abused, and in all of those sites it shows me the image of someone I don't think I am, someone who abuses others because they enjoy it, or don't know any better.

I certainly never once enjoyed it, and I certainly know better. I wasn't abused as a child, I was beat up in school a lot, but it never really bothered me, especially as I got older I got bigger and it all stopped.

Just what do you do, when everything you read, tells you that you're a monster? I'm starting to internalize it, and I don't know if its the correct thing to do.

[Business]

Business

As I read this post my heart broke for both you and your wife. I can feel the hurt, the anger, the confusion and the regret. I can tell you for cetainty that you are on the right path!! You recongized that there is a problem, you are not denying what has occured between the two of you, and you are making efforts to regain both your relationship and her trust. Which I can tell you will be very difficult. She has to protect herself from what ever she feels is threatening, and unfortunately she does not feel safe with you, but she is still talking to you, so you have a chance to regain the relationship that has been lost.

As hard as it is give it time, stay on the waiting list for a therapist, look around for others that may be available (if you don't have insurance that will be difficult, but if you do go on their website and see what/who they offer) and be patient. Show your wife that you are serious about changing. I can understand how life circumstances can make things happen that you never thought would, but it is now your job to show that you can change again and that you feel you were wrong. And what ever you do don't give up on yourself or on her!!

No insurance, but I am a Cherokee in Oklahoma, so I'm on their waiting list for their services. Even though its gonna take sometime to get in to see them, I'm glad there is a place for me to go.

My big question is, should I let her go or not? I think she's leaning towards coming back, but if this is a cycle, I can't let her do that. I'm definitely willing to work at it, but... I mean, in a split second, I lost all control and hit her, how can I be sure that that split second won't ever happen again?

[malign]

I'll turn it around on you, Business: how can you be sure she won't use drugs again, and what would you do if she did?

My answer: You can't be sure, but you seem willing to try. Maybe you should trust your wife to know what she wants?

No one knows the future. But anyone can change. You believe she's changing; can you believe that you can change?

[Business]

I'll turn it around on you, Business: how can you be sure she won't use drugs again, and what would you do if she did?

My answer: You can't be sure, but you seem willing to try. Maybe you should trust your wife to know what she wants?

No one knows the future. But anyone can change. You believe she's changing; can you believe that you can change?

LoL, okay, you got me... If you don't get paid for this, I don't know why not. Speaking of the devil, she just IMed me. I get the fortune of figuring out what the future is gonna be shortly.

[Waiting]

Hi Business,

I am sorry for what is going on in your life.

I would suggest you be honest with her. Tell her you would like to get back together but you are not sure you can trust yourself and you are not sure if she will return to drugs. Open a dialog and go from there.

Waiting

[58corvette]

I just posted a rather long reply to your situation & my own dealings with abuse & its reprocussions. It logged me out again so that was wasted again; very frustrating for me.

Anyway I read the post from waiting & that is good advice. Sometimes Abuse comes in many forms. I posted something a few days back about accusations made about me & verbal abuse & recieved no responces. Very frustrating & dissheartning.

But through time the people who know the real truth; my Children & others know I am not what I was accused of.

For you I truly Hope you & her seek help together. You BOTH have been through quite a bit. If you Truly Love each other it will work out. But you have a long road ahead. Abuse comes in many forms.

[Kaskade]

I could relate to some of the feelings you expressed and the progression of events. Thank you for sharing.

My suggestion would be to work on yourself first, number one priority. You have identified the problem so it's just a matter of getting the help you need. See a therapist. Find an outlet for your feelings such as art or journaling or exercise or whatever it is that you like to do that helps you. Be honest with yourself, get to know who you are. As was stated, communicate clearly and honestly with one another, that is critical to any relationship. You might consider starting your relationship over, a new beginning. Perhaps you don't have to dive into being together again but go out on dates, get to know each other again. You can ramp things up as you both begin to trust each other once more. You can take it slow, whatever pace works for both of you. Despite the problems you have had it looks like you have a good foundation and love each other very much so just keep in mind you are both worth the effort and in the end things will be better than ever if that's what you truly want.

[Business]

Anyone know of any resources for not getting into a "honeymoon" period? My wife and I spent sometime together, and not once did I feel any animosity or aggression on my part, so I know I don't blame her. We even went through a money issue when my bank card got declined when it would have normally lead to a massive fight, it lead to a, "don't worry about it, I can fix that later."

If my wife and I do get back together, I'd like to have some kind of resource that doesn't just relate to the abused and helping them leave. I can already tell that will just create insecurities on my behavior and of course, that would start this whole thing up all over again.

I'd love an abuser's resource other than going to the local police and spending $100 each week to sit in a support group. I'd like something personal I can do/read so I don't have to rely/stress on limited times or building new relationships, aside from going to therapy (that side is already sorted out and in the works).

[finding my way]

Hi Business, here is a place to launch from for some self-help info

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=353&cn=353

there is also anger management information and many articles on many topics at the very top menu above.

You are welcome to continue processing issues here if that is helpful!