Business Posted November 23, 2010 Report Share Posted November 23, 2010 I've been sitting in my room, fighting with myself over what to do, what do say, what to promise, where to go.What I'm talking about is a relationship with the only person I could possibly love. All we've been through, all the fights, the drug abuse (her side), the failures, the successes, all the dinners, the laughter, the singing, the fear, the hatred, the love, and the apologies.My wife and I have been together for 6 years, next month, I'll be 26, she'll be 24. I totally recognize that it isn't her fault, that it isn't her that caused me to do anything. I raised my voice, I disconnected, I pushed her away, I lost my mind.Two years ago, in January of 2008, we were happy, no issues, we had everything going good, a healthy relationship. Then she went to the dentist and went through a root canal, and got prescribed to Lortabs. That started a crisis that lasted for a full year. The fights got worse and worse, she was an addict, I was in love, we fought so many epic fights that the Iliad could be rewritten. She got physical, I disappeared, came back to find her gone. She cheated, I cheated, she cheated again, we nearly divorced but I couldn't let it end because all of this was due to those pills.December 28th 2008, she almost overdosed, and her family finally started to give a damn, I was there for her, she got clean. We burnt those divorce papers together and that was the end of the worst year of our lives.But it stuck with me... I was always suspicious that she would start up again, it played with my mind and I created conspiracies and projected newly developing fears onto her. I never went to get counselling, never reached out for help. As time went on, I got more and more insecure, more and more angry, more and more intimidated and frightened. At one point, I looked around for a life insurance policy knowing in two years the suicide clause would run its term and I could leave her with enough to get her through college.All these thoughts pushed me away from her, brought me into a shell, made me a different person. I became abusive, slowly but surely. I sat by and watched as my words became sick and twisted, as I belittled her appearance, her actions, her thoughts, and lashed out even when she cried.November 11th of this very month, I woke up at 6 pm, and descended the stairs to find her on the couch, and the fight started up. It was over a bill for the internet, and the voices started raising, and the burning anger overtook us both. Eventually, I took a left hook to the jaw and lost it... My hand... Was used for the wrong purpose, on the wrong person's cheek...The next day, I came home from work to find the house empty, her stuff gone, pictures removed, passwords changed and heater turned off. But we're still talking, thinking about getting back together and I don't know if its right to go through with it.In this whole process over the last two years I turned into something that I never thought I'd become. I've done and said things I didn't know I could do or say. The waiting list for counselling is too long for me to cope with, but I'm still on it. I sent her an e-mail telling her I didn't know that even at my best would I be worth it for her. I'm afraid of myself, and I've been reading about the cycles... They never existed before January of 2009, but I don't know if I can actually do this.Is it possible to stop the cycle? Should I tell her she will never be safe with me? Should we try this separation period or should I just let her go? She didn't, and never will deserve the way I treated her, the things I did, the things I said. She didn't cause them, I know it was my fault, and I don't know if we'll end up here again...Yesterday she scared me to death by sending me a video, which I don't know if I can post a link to, regardless of how much I'd like to. I know I've been abusive, but is it me? I regret every word, every action, and definitely when I laid a hand on her.Am I really abusive? Or did things just get out of control? Did I just lose my mind, or am I who I really am? How do I go on when I don't know if the most important person in this entire world to me, could ever be safe with me? What else can I do, but hate myself while I readdress every fight from her perspective? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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