Am I too sensitive?

[sadgreeneyes]

My husband who is overseas waiting for visa to stay with me suggested we could chat two hours instead of three because we have difficulty finding things to talk about, I agreed as we really are sitting long time trying. But I suggested that if there did come a day we had more to talk about we could talk little longer. Then my husband say I can send him a message if I want to talk more. I found that hurtful as I reacted on this with him not wanting me to take his "precious time", like he was saying give me a warning in case I will do other stuff. I mean that when we chat that this would come naturally and automatic. And if the other person have planned something then we can tell each other when we chat. But he tells his wife overseas(me) to txt him if I have more to talk about. I found that lousy to say. Isnt he a part of the conversation?? couldnt he have more to talk about one day? like it was just for me....we are indeed married. He said he didnt mean it that way and that I both feel wrong and hear wrong ( noting that he said sorry in the end as I know I did not hear wrong)and that I am too sensitive. He said he think I am too sensitive in a critical tone.

I started cry in the end, he said why am I crying. He knows why I am crying.

Is it really me who are too sensitive or wasnt that lousy to say? He said sorry in the end and asked for my smile,I couldnt smile. Saying he doesnt want to go when I am crying, so I stopped and said we can say bye now. I couldnt smile.

I know that no one can say to someone you are feeling wrong because feelings are never wrong. I scored 70% on a HSP test so I know I am a very sensitive person. But still I feel and mean that was lousy to say.

[IrmaJean]

I found that hurtful as I reacted on this with him not wanting me to take his "precious time", like he was saying give me a warning in case I will do other stuff.

I think you could be projecting your own feelings/concerns into this. You have no real way of knowing what his intentions were when he asked you to text him. Being that the two of you are recently married and are separated right now, this must be very difficult for you. Maybe you could suggest to him that you need some extra reassurance while he is so far away?

My score on the HSP test was 91%, so I can certainly relate to being sensitive. I hope you feel better, greeneyes.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Hi sadgreeneyes,

I think you doubt your husbands motives a lot and that it shows. I wonder what is wrong with asking for a warning, in case you know you want to talk about something longer, so that he can make arrangements accordingly? I think that is a pragmatic sort of discussion that just follows the arrangements you've made before about setting time aside to talk to each other. Maybe he could have expressed that better, but it also seems like you didn't really ask what his meaning was, when he said he meant it differently.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi IrmaJean and SomethingOrOther,

it might be I reject my own thinking and feelings onto him. Lol..thing is that if I ask him what he means, of course I do ask him but he never has any explanation...which is very odd if he really meant something else. Usually people have explanations. So I guess he meant what he said litterally.

Maybe I explained bad,but we chat every second day so this is set permanent, this was his suggestion which I agreed in. So what I mean is that it would be more natural to say it when we chat, like saying: honey, I have some plans with my friends tonight so I have to go after two hours. Then I wouldnt say to him oh no and me who wanted to talk more today. If he say he has plans then he just tells me. I didnt mean it was a "necessity" to talk longer, it was only if it came natural and we had more to talk about, if no one has plans we can talk longer or not longer and if someone has plans we keep the time. In my opinion there is no reason to send a txt message hours before as long as we will chat that night anyway. So I found it very odd to say.

Oh, you scored high on sensitivity, it can be both a good thing and a bad thing I read. We are so sensitive that it makes us take more into us then what other would have, the feelings and emotions, analyzing and wondering. Life isnt always easy;)

[sadgreeneyes]

IrmaJean,

can I ask you where you found that HSP test? because my test was only a easy one I guess with only 10 questions where each yes answer scored 10%.

[randomperson]

Being long distance it can be tough. I was.. might be lol.. in a long distance relationship myself. Thing is you can't just stop by and say hello. So you don't really know what is going on, what they are thinking or feeling. You just want to know that you are loved even though you are so far away.

Are you like me feeling stress from the distance?

[chatterbox512]

Green Eyes,

I have learned through experience that when my husband says something that sounds insensitive, I have to take a step back and look at it from his point of view. Sometimes when he says something that seems really insensitive it isn't it is just that he felt like he had to make a snap decision or didn't fully understand my position on it.

My suggestion to you is to bring it up again and ask if you can make your point more clearer to him. The type of answer your hubby gave is the kind mine would give also, and I probrably would have thought it was insensitive also.

Your feelings are your feelings you have every right to be as sensitive about what you hear as you want. Sometimes you just have to take yourself out of the picture and look at what was said from the other persons point of view to fully understand the full interpretation.

[sadgreeneyes]

Hi randomperson and chatterbox,

thank you both for replying to me.

It is sometimes difficult being so far away from each other, I feel he look at this as soo easy,so easy as it makes me think he doesnt love me, that he´s out for visa. And to never have gotten any real love and affection in real life from him makes it even more difficult to trust does he really like me. I hate to say it but some days ago a "sorta ex" contacted me saying he was sad didnt know I would marry so fast, telling me all I wanted to hear which he never told me when we met a year ago, I really liked him and now he say like he is the one who wish he was with me and that he will wait for me as he say he is sure my husband fools me. It will be me and him in the end he said. Anyway, little late for him to come now. And by the way I think he said it just to think he can fool me himself for sex. I have to try focus on my husband, I think it is the distance that makes me feel like I do. I am sure if my husband was here I would feel different.

I was crying one day because I was thinking about how much I was missing the affection my husband said he would give me when we met, that I could lay on his arm and all this, but he never let me, he was very cold. It hurted me so much and when I think about this ex and how I could lay on his arm it hurts as he wasnt my husband, because it is a husband who really should let his wife be close. I hope it will be better.

I have been thinking the same as you chatterbox, to try take a step back...because I have a tendency to be oversensitive and when I have calm down maybe two hours after I am able to not be so affected by it. But still I think yes it was very insensitive to say. I could never even think about saying something like my husband did. Lol...my friend said maybe next time you can send a txt message saying I´m sorry honey but I cannot talk at all today. If he wants a message saying I will talk longer why not give him a message saying I cannot talk so long or whatever, maybe that would make him happy..I am just tired of not getting any affection, I think he hurted me so much down in Jordan, wrote an earlier post about it. I think this is the reason for my feelings, why I think more of the other guy than him. At least it makes me feel alive and wanted. I didnt feel wanted by my husband. I felt like garbage. He say it will change but to be honest I doubt it. My gut feeling tells me so. My gut is telling me that him being a virgin telling me thats why he couldnt hold me, kiss me and so on is just not true. I find it hard to believe because even a virgin can let his wife rest on his arm, but he had lots of excuses not to be close to me after making love. I just dont want to think about it anymore, when he comes here I can start to see how he will be and how he will treat me. Will I be happy.

[randomperson]

One thing we share is the need to feel loved by the one we care for so far away. Sounds like we are both getting mixed signals which in turn confuses and hurts us because we are both very sensitive to things like this.

Thing is people are different and unique. We all have our own quirks. It is hard to know what the other person is truly feeling.

The one I care for says she loves me but ignores me for weeks at a time.

Very, very confusing. I share your frustration in feeling if you were close by things would work out. I'm not sure what the answer is for either of us but I do relate to how you feel.

[sadgreeneyes]

Yes, people are unique and we all have sides that is difficult for others to understand. My husband say he loves me and misses me everyday, but as we know actions speaks louder than words.

Randomperson,I dont want to be nosy but you say that your woman ignores you for weeks...why would she do that? if you love someone you dont ignore them...

[randomperson]

Yeah I fight with that myself everyday. She is going through major emotional issues herself. At first I thought exactly like you are.. because it is the most logical thing. Still might be..

But according to her family she is withdrawing from everyone and her mother sister, even she says she really does love me.

She has been going through odd phases. She was abused by the man she is going through custody with and it really messed her up. We used to talk everyday even after she broke up. The long silence is fairly new. Mainly started after her father died.

I have been struggling with what to do with her ever since we broke up.

I still love her but I am never sure what to say or do. Always afraid I will make her withdraw even more.

But your right I can't even pretend to say she is my woman. Too many mixed signals.

[sadgreeneyes]

Oh I understand much better now, it is true she may love you as she is going through a lot, its difficult when having been through abuse...I´ve been in 4 myself so I can understand her feelings and how she withdraw, when she withdraw its very sure it is because of her issues and it has nothing to do with you. We do hope and wait when we care about someone,I hope things will be better for her...for you both so you may be able to start over again...I understand you are careful as you dont want her to withdraw more...give it some time, just remember to take care of yourself too in meantime as its not fear either that you dont get the answers you need.

[randomperson]

Thank you for such a sweet post. It is difficult for me. I promised myself I would be patient and not worry anymore. But she has not wrote since Sunday and I find myself once again starting to get nervous. My mother went through abuse.. and I went saw it everyday for so many years.. I know what it does to you. It has made me the way I am for the most part.

Still she has left me twice before (once going back to the abuser) so it makes it difficult to trust.

It is funny I know what I must do. I must separate myself from all of this, calm down not worry. Just consider her one possibility of many and move forward with my own life while trying to support her when and if she does reach out.. but it is so tough. I struggle with it. I love her and want to be part of her life. Especially being a virgin, with my issues with rejection I'm needing some sign from her, just small reassurances she is still there and still cares... simply talking to me once a week would be enough. I don't know how to communicate this with her so she will understand.

It sounds like you are making good progress with everything going on in your life. I am happy for you

... I have never mentioned this to anyone except my mother in private.

I wonder if she was raped at one time. Unlike now she used to be very open with me.. told me everything. One day she wrote to me that she almost told me that she was very ashamed of something that I would understand why she was the way she was if I knew. She said she typed it all up ready to send but the power went off and she thought that was a message to her not to tell me. She told me everything even her brief time using drugs a few years ago, her abuse, things she didn't even tell her family.. but this she would not mention. She said she felt ashamed of "what she did". ..I really do not know what that means.. am I correct in thinking that might be what happened. She was only abused for about a year and the physical abuse was just starting.. but her emotional scars seem to run much much deeper.