(Triggering topic) de-clouding suicidal thoughts

[nightfalls]

Just had a question, Is it posible to have suicidal thoughts and self harm urges with all the details but yet not be suicidal and not at all in any risk? I'm confused with this. Advise about this please

[Luna-]

I think it's possible. Do you mean you have suicidal thoughts but no intention of carrying them out? I have this happen to me. I tell the pdoc "I think about suicide quite a lot but I'm not a risk." For me it indicates the depth of my depression; once I move from thoughts over to wanting to carry it out, things are very bad.

[Waiting]

I am pretty sure it is. My partner has lived with suicidal thoughts pretty consistently for years. Now she tried to commit suicide a few times, but the vast majority of the times she can not get past her survival instinct. Of course many people who are suicidal will simply call that cowardice and consider themselves a failure, I know she did.

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Nightfalls, I would have to agree with Waiting and Luna. I too get that way in fact it was just on Wednesday. Tuesday I was still feeling really good and trying to keep my balalnce of not going to manic but then within 12 hours I was down, suicidal, felt like I just want to go to sleep and never wake up and I had that survival instinct and wanted to run and hide and also think about what I can do to kill myself. But, i didnt have the strength to even try anything. But, they all knew I am definatley capable...

My new therapist told me that my pdoc told her that if I am looking unsafe, I probably am. And since I have a history of attempts they err with caution. But this time my therapist let me go home from her office after an emergency appt. probably because of thanksgiving and the fact my pdoc wasnt in the hospital till Monday and then I slept for 2 days, right through thanksgiving.

I guess my point is that yes we can feel that way but if things go really wrong I think an attempt is possible because the thoughts and plans are already there.

Good luck

[shanrucas]

I agree with everyone, I think that I can get so deep into that dark hole I just don't have the energy to get out..just want the pain of it all to go away. But some how and I don't know why I keep going on no matter what is thrown at me...I have often thought of ending it in some way, but haven't acted out on it. I have been fortunate with professionals who recognize this in me and pull me a bit from that dark hole so that I can climb the rest of the way out.

I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings. Coming down is the hardest thing. -Tom Petty

[Athena]

Hi Nightfalls,

I think it takes a while to figure out what your intentions really are. I generally don't call hotlines (why would you call one if you want to kill yourself?) but the one time I did the person asked, if you really injure yourself, will you go to the hospital and patch yourself up? It took me a few months to answer the question but I now know the answer is YES. Somehow I find that a relief and I can simply refer to the SI as a "bad habit" that needs to be overcome.

I think the other key is, "do you leave a note?" I left a quick note for my kids the first time - I call that half an attempt, because the SI had an "out". By that I mean - the method you pick - if it tends not to have a very high "success" rate (strange word in this context) then you are less likely to be serious. However, if I go parachuting and simply don't pull the chute from 500 feet up, well I know that will be serious because it will be 100% effective.

Having said that, I just called up my old Hang-gliding instructor and plan to go for a flight in the spring. He spent the first 10 minutes trying to convince me how safe it is (I guess he forgot about all my accidents 25 years ago). Anyway I thought about why I want to fly so badly and decided it would be REALLY hard to kill myself hang-gliding. Really EASY however to get injured, and as I don't want to add to my problems, I'll be trying to avoid serious injury at all costs. My urge to fly is more a quest for freedom than death. In a way, freedom from my own personal hell, which is mostly in my head (we all have problems and crises but how we react to them is the key to our depression or happiness). Flying is the one thing that gets me out of my prison and I can "re-live" in my head an amazing one-hour flight for weeks after. In fact the more I anticipate doing this, the more I am remembering my flights from 25 years ago. That sure beats the other thoughts swirling around in my head.

I hope some of this makes sense.

[labrador]

I have felt suicidal urges for the better part of my life but have not made any attempts to end my life directly. They usually become more prevelant when I'm facing a major life change, and recently I found myself actually researching the most effective way to end my life. So why don't I go through with it? I'm not sure. I think maybe it's that deep down inside of all of us there is a will to survive. Some people can easily find this but others may have to dig deep into their being to find it. I've never revealed these urges to anyone mainly because I don't want others to know the extent of my mental issues, but I do make sure that I am not left alone when they are at their strongest because even though I haven't made an attempt before, just the fact that the thoughts are in my head makes me realize that there will always be the chance that one day I will follow through with them. I guess what I'm saying is that having suicidal thoughts doesn't mean that you will commit suicide, but it does increase the likelihood that you may choose that route at some point, at least that's how I see it.

[Ponstan]

I have really bad suicidal thoughts but I cannot get past the survival instinct either. I keep getting to the edge of going through with it and then I get scared and change my mind. It sucks. I don't want to be suicidal because there are people who care about me and I don't want to bring shame on my family. My life is going pretty well also, which makes me feel like a coward for being depressed compared to the people who are going through much worse conditions than mine without complaint.

I am not depressed about my circumstances, though. I am just depressed for no valid reason. That is why I am trying to get help. I think that if I can figure out how to live then I won't be depressed anymore and then I won't have to feel like there is no future.

[randomperson]

I found most mental health issues I have revolves around looping. Example I feel worthless so I scare people away, I scare people away so I feel worthless.

For me when I was suicidal it was hard core looping. I even felt guilt for thinking of suicide, for not doing it, for almost everything.. which in turn made things worse. What helped was talking to people like me and doing anything I could to break the thought cycles. To break the looping.

Not suicidal at all anymore.. still depressed still struggle but I am better.

Have hope it does get better. You are a good person. Know this. Let this help you break the cycles of bad thoughts.