may trigger .... drinking +meds

[mscat]

first of all one great thing is that this year I have made it , to stay out of the hospital.. Been about three years since I have been out and missed thanksgiving. Kind of a record . Now i am in a condary. Home now after the thanksgiing , the kareokee , the drinking. Feeling a little drunk and know it, and now to take the perscription meds... Typically I usually get sick being drunk and all, but ok for now. So why I do not care if I take that meds now. Yeah , would still be Self harmiong, just in a different way. And did i writw I don't care ? BUt maybe I should/ luckily did not get pulled over , my bro he does not live more then a mile away. Still had the kid thougyh. REally making bad choices ... I am so retarted ... oh WTF> Guess I still really hate me and that is the bottom line. KInd of hoping I'll you know go to sleep and stay that way. Graphic ? sorry. Just trying to figure out what my next move is. Maybe i'll just sleep really well. I am all over the place , kind of high , tipsy or whatever , just kjnow I got to decide this for myself and what I am about to do , risky yes. not anything else. just some antipsychotic, clonidine, clozopam, and something else . Gosh people do it all the time.

I guess the thing I am a bit scared of is that it does not bother me one single bit, if their were any consequens . I love my son , my service dogs , my brother ... Is that enough in my life to keep me going? A question to contoplate while doing it... LUna, you can delete cause this is probably toppo graphic.

Sleep well my internet friends.

[finding my way]

I've been wondering how you were, dear mscat! Congratulations for making it this far. I know this time of year is the most difficult for you. I'm sorry you are struggling with liking yourself. Remember that your trauma is most likely at the root of your difficulty, and none of that was your fault. If you can, give yourself a break!!! I hope you were able to sleep it off mscat, and wake up with a clearer mind to make choices. If not, we are here and listening.

[Luna-]

{{{Mscat}}}

I got a little worried when reading this - just how much medication were you planning to take ...? Are you OK? Will you come back and let us know?

I drink very rarely, but when I do, I get reckless, too and can combine it with meds. And then I get that "don't care" feeling too. Please try not to hate yourself so?

I do hope you're alright.

(Nothing needs to be deleted sweetie, it is not too graphic.)

[Lindamomof7]

Hi mscat

Good for you for keeping out of the hospital.

I often say that after I pass about 3 months:rolleyes:

I have done that too drink and take meds, meds that I take to much of. Now remember, I dont drink but depression, trauma whatever it is, is triggering enough and we act out of pure carelessness with the I dont give a F_ _ _ attitude. Been there done it.

But I have to say though when I get like that I have had to put the decision of putting me in the psych hospital left to my support team of pdoc, therapist, husband and daughter. I do that because when I am not feeling well, I do not make any appropriate safe decision. All I have is the need, urge and want to die. I tell them I feel like a cat in a bag with feeling so crazy in my head. Thats when it is time to go to the hospital and just rest.

I actually should be there right now but everyone is waiting to see how depressed and unsafe I go or will I just cycle out of it....

Cathy, I hope you can really get some type of help that will be beneficial for you. Are there any type of outpatient services you can get in to?

I know you love your son, brother, animals and of course yourself...

hang in there... (((hugs)))

[mscat]

thank you so much you guys. the worst part is the day after physically. My son told me GET UP MOM he can't tell time, but i awoke tofind it dark outside. It was 5:30pm. I could never do that if he were any younger. He basically spent most of the day alone.

I honestly have no idea why I feel that I need to harm myself , it is just these moods and self doubt . When it is over I do question myself was it worth it?

My son is grauating from H.S. next year , and I do not want to miss that. there are goals being set forth that will make things better , I just got to think with a clear head and not be so tempted to harm myself.

[JustTrying]

Glad you are feeling better..... The Holidays are rough on a lot of people and I Know you love your son!

[mscat]

I did not take any meds yesterday, to clean out my system from overdosing the night before. I feel much better today. There are some things coming up next year , so not all is at a loss. It is so hard that sometimes there is such a strong need to Self harm, especially around this time of year.