I Have Lost Everything and all my Love too

[forpetessake]

Wow. This has been a very hard 4 days for me.

Let me start by saying my name is Bill and I am an alcoholic.

I came from work last Friday and my wife left me. There are so many issues.

I actually tried to end it that night. Not quite sure why I am still here today.

I have been having off and on again suicidal thoughts since. And now...my depression has entered such a deep level, that I no longer cry, well as much as I did the past couple of days. I have no energy, I have no other feelings than intense pain, both physically (coming off the booze) and mentally. I have been going to AA meetings. Tonight will be my 4th. If I can make it that far.

So I have lost everything. I still somehow have my job. But that may not last for long.

My wife has warned me for a long time, but the disease kept me from seeing it. Now at the end, I see it all too well.

I cant live without my wife and kids. I know I need to be around for my kids, but my pain is too intense.

I went to the local hospital yesterday and ended up speaking to an intake person. They have me scheduled to see a counselor tomorrow afternoon. However....regardless of what they might advise me, it doesnt and wont change the fact that after 19 years of marriage and 42 years of life, I am for the first time all alone, and will never ever love again. I dont want another woman, and I am trying to recover. I havent drank since Friday night when I tried to do the deed. I have had no desire to drink since.

But I am scared, hopeless, have a severe case of depression. And I had mild depression before any of this happened.

So....

[paula]

Hi forpetessake

It's a pity you didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel when your wife was pleading with you to do something?

If you love your wife like you say you do, then do something about it? I know that you say that you haven't had a drink since Friday but, what if she decides to give you another chance and you let her down again? What will you do then?

Think about it? Is it worth it? Loosing your wife and children for Nineteen year's to the drink? I know far to well with what's she's got to put up with! I too was in the same boat as your wife and mine was 22yrs! We splitt up Ten year's ago and I had to fetch my Two lads up on my own! No maintanence or F*** all. Believe you me, it was hard, DAMN HARD! But I did it.

This is not just about you here. This is about your kids too! How do you think that your wife's going to manage with bringing your kids up? Also, This is affecting you kids too! How do you think there going to feel, knowing that their dads a drunk!

It should never of come to this in the first place! You should of done something about it when you had the chance?

Is it to late? I don't know, only you and your wife know the answer to that?

[Mark]

Forpeetssake,

This is a very difficult time for you. Alcohol clouds judgment. It is very important that you sober up safely. The best way to do this is in a medically supervised rehabilitation facility where you can spend a few weeks. Many people benefit from a peer support group. AA works well for some people and it is what you are most likely to be pushed towards in a rehabilitation program. If you are of an independent or highly secular mindset, however, you may wish to look for help through a secular group such as SMART Recovery or the various other AA alternative programs.

It is hard to say whether the depression you are experiencing is secondary to the drinking, or whether it has a life of its own. the only real good way to find out is for you to sober up and stay that way for a long while (multiple months). It is hard to treat depression when someone is drinking, so the critical path is often to sober up first and then to get help for depression. Obviously, this equation changes if you are suicidal. If that is the case and you seriously think you will kill yourself, please go immediately to the emergency room and tell them you are suicidal and have a psychiatric emergency.

It seems like this is the end of your life and that you can't life without your wife. This has to hurt like hell. Just keep an open mind. Things can change and people are more flexible and adaptable often than you may give them credit for (including yourself). Life will improve if you get off the alcohol and other substances and work to have your depression treated.

Paula is being a bit harsh to you, and ashamed as you are feeling right now, I don't think that is what you need to be hearing. Please take what she is saying with a grain of salt. She is a caring person, but sometimes also very passionate and impulsive in her approach to reaching out to people.

Mark

[Mark]

Paula,

Why are you lighting into Forpeetssake so harshly? Does he remind you of someone who has hurt your or something? Your anger seems unreasonable, and I think you should apologize.

Mark

[paula]

Yes sorry forpetessake. It wasn't meant at you intentually! Honest!

What I was trying to get at was: That it isn't to late to save your marriage? But you've got to nip it in the bud. Now!

Once again Sorry!

[John Rutledge]

deleted ......

Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge

[forpetessake]

Thanks everyone.

I am going to my 4th AA meeting tonight.

I am also working on the financial situation. She also left a huge mess in the rental property we had and I have offered her to take things she may still need for the kids like dishes, silverware, food still in the fridge etc...but she declined.

I dont know if I am suicidal or not. All I do know is that of course, I am very depressed. I cant take the 2 weeks of lost income to go into treatment, so I am relying soley on AA.

[mrsdz]

forpetessake,

I feel terrible for what you are going through. I can assure you that suicide is not the answer. It sounds to me as though you love your family and may not have realized what you had until you lost it. Addiction can be an extremely blinding disease. You are not seeing straight at the moment. I am glad to hear that you have made a choice to sober up. This will be a life long battle you will have to fight but rest assure the physical symptoms will not last a lifetime. Your kids NEED you, I can not stress that enough. I am willing to bet you have plenty of people who need, love and care for you all the same.

My husband is an ex drug addict. When we first married I knew nothing of his addiction, slowly figuring it out on my own, I knew what was up. For a couple years in the begining of our marriage it was very rocky, I was grabbing at strings trying to make him better. I felt defeated by his disease, I too picked up our kids and left. After a couple weeks of him going sober and showing me he was serious about trying, we became a family again. The struggles you and your wife are having can only make your relationship stronger if. you decide to get back together. Do not give up hope on your family and sobriety. I would like to include that my husbands father and uncle committed suicide. This left an aweful impact on those who loved them, especially their kids.

If you ever wish to talk send me a private a message. I would also be glad to speak with your wife if she ever wanted to. I know first hand her emotions and seen from my husbands struggles. You have a long road ahead of you but I have faith that the love for your kids alone will help bring you through this time. Talk to your loved ones on how you are feeling so they can help as well. As Mark said, Go to the ER or call 911. Please do not do anything to harm yourself.

[forpetessake]

You know I dont know what I am feeling at this moment. But I may be doing a bit better than yesterday. Yesterday I would have a breakdown every 1/2 hour. Today it's more like an hour. I havent eaten really anything since lunchtime Friday. I did go to the ER yesterday and they didnt seem too concerned about that.

So I am depressed, tired and very frustrated. But you guys have given me encouragement already, and this is exactly what I need at this moment.

I know you guys dont know me, but the gang over at KISS Fan Site does, and they would tell you that I am a good guy too.

I actually saw my wife yesterday. She has had no contact with me since early Friday morning. I was at an attorney's office, and she was at the bank, and as we rounded the sidewalk corner, we ran into each other. She stated she no longer loves me.

Now that I know she has filed, I guess that is true.

[Mark]

Grieving the loss of such a significant relationship just sucks. No other words for it.

That said, people survive this sort of thing on a routine basis. Mostly that involves waiting out the feelings of despair until they aren't so overwhelming. It takes time for the reality to sink in. Over time you get your life back. A new version of your life, to be sure, but it will be yours, and it won't suck so bad as this moment in time.

Be gentle with yourself, please. Don't drink (because that will not help in the medium or long term, or even really in the short term). Instead, do some crying or punch a pillow or go for a run or talk to someone; whatever you need to do to let out the feelings.

There is sometimes some relief in knowing that things are over. That you can't influence them anymore.

[mrsdz]

forpetessake,

I'm sorry about her filing for the divorce. I do think her leaving can be beneficial to you. I may be old fashioned but, one if you stay sober on the right track and she loves you, she will be back and you will know just how much she does love you. Two this could be the real deal and it is over, then you are much better off since she walked away in such a time of need. Either way you will still be sober, have your kids, family, friends and us!