My Journey WILL continue

[shanrucas]

Been doing a whole lot of thinking lately, mostly about the past and how I got where I am today. I've been looking at my life as a journey. No doubt I have had my share of trauma in my life but I seem to have always walked away from them having learned something more about myself.

I see the child I was, I was happy and blessed to have a wonderful upbringing. My parents taught me good values..I loved my father very much, but he was a severe alcoholic, he never was abusive except for the fact that we would have to watch him slowly kill himself by alcohol..he did get sober just before he past away and I treasured those last days.

As a teenager I had a very rough time as teenagers do,,but the depression nearly killed me, I was then treated for the first time clear up to my 20's, this is where I seem to have some lost time. I was proud that I had a job, and was living out on my own and having the time of my life, then I met a man who turned my life upside down. He moved in with me and then I began seeing some strange behavior, he would get violent and hurt me, he would say people were after him..One night he nearly killed me, I got away, I had to go to a battered womens shelter. I learned later that he was diagnosed schizophrenic and eventully was sentenced to the state hospital for 20 years.

After that experience, I still struggled with depression but I immersed myself in the battered womans movement and soon got a paid position there. I did this for a number of years and learned so much from the women who came through our doors, I then continued on to being a crime victims's advocate and child advocacy. I am very fortunate to have been able to be a part of this..and all because I had the unfortunate choice in a man....I learned something from that. Another thing I was proud of being a part of was being a volunteer firefighter. There are things I was a part of that will forever be imprinted in my mind.

When my mother's MS progressed she needed more care, my then longtime boyfriend decided that was a good time to tell me he wanted to end the relationship..This is where my world caved in once again, this time I was so dysphoric, my doctor hospitalized me and thats when I was diagnosed bipolor and PTSD

I have continued to love and experience loss. Sometimes feeling that if I keep getting knocked down so much I just won't have the energy to get up.

My current journey is now with my mom, caring for her and making her as comfortable and in her home as long as I can. Not to long ago I was feeling the depression and frustration that I have basically put my life on hold to do this. She needs 24 hour care now and I can't do the things I use to, like go out to dinner, movie or whatever. But then I began to change my thinking and even though there are some very hard days and the dark hole gets bigger, I now tell myself this is just another part of the journey and surely I will walk away having learned something.

I don't know why I was compelled to spill all this out here, but I did, there ya go. It just started pouring out and I just can't seem to stop. Maybe its because mom is sleeping right now and I just need to chatter, I don't know.

Anyway, Im sure there are going to be rough seas ahead, but for today I am ready to ride them out...I have been knocked down before and got up I can do it again.

Shannon

"Learning to fly but I ain't got wings, coming down is the hardest thing. -Tom Petty

[clawz]

Shannon,

Thank you for sharing this. You are a very strong person who managed to give back - working for the battered womans movement and being a volunteer firefighter takes courage and a strong heart. It isn't for everyone. I'm sure you've been a light to others in the dark.

Thanks for doing what you've done

Good luck in your journey. I believe you have the strength and faith to carry you through whatever comes.

Jen

[shanrucas]

Hi Jen,

Thanks for the feedback, I had been doing a lot of reflecting of the past and was compelled to post something about it. It's nice to feel validated as well. There were many times in my life that I struggled and felt bad about myself, I am sure there will be some rough times ahead too, Im the kinda person who eventually walks against the wind as best as I can, not always a good thing to do sometimes you have to just go with the flow as well.

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

Hi Shannon, you are strong and you are special. Not everyone could go through what you have been through and keep rising to the top.

You are here... You are caring for your Mother... You are strong... She taught you well...

(((HUGS)))

[shanrucas]

Thanks Linda for your kind words as usual,,I will be sure to tell my mother about her raising me well..Im sure it will make her smile......yep it just made her smile .

((hugs)) back atcha

[shanrucas]

This thread is over a month old, I kinda started off just spilling my life in short, kinda like a journal, still don't know what I was compelled to do it.

But at any rate, I thought I would see if I could have a new start here. I desparately need to have some sort of contact with others even if it virtual, I have been having feelings of entrapment, and despite medication, my moods are swinging wildly, one moment I have the covers up over my head trying to block out the world, then the next I am wildly trying to reach out to anyone or anything. I am doing my best to hold it together, just don't know how long I can go on like this, there seems to be no end in sight, and I need it to end.

[Luna-]

I think this is an excellent idea. And the topic title is so apt!

Here's to a new start ...

[shanrucas]

Thanks Luna, you can't say I didn't try on the other thread, but it just wasn't going to seem to stop. So here's to a new start. For everyone I hope.

Shannon

[shanrucas]

I really, really want to start over and I want to revive this thread, "Quest for My Normal" has just to much hurt in it anymore.

So please everyone, let me start over. I want and need support more than ever and I want to be able to provide support to others as well. Everyone I have met and posted with has had some valuable insights to various problems and issues.

I tried to make it alright again, but I need everyones help with this. I want to be able to once again share and discuss the the problems that we all have to deal with.

So lets say good bye to "Quest for My Normal", and start healing and moving on.

Shannon

[tash28]

Hi shannon

I think it is a good idea of starting a new thread.

I am hear for you as you have been for me I may not have answers as Im still having a hard time and still trying to find some answers myself.

Anyway I just wanted you to know that Im here for you and listening.

Please take care

Tasha

[shanrucas]

I am just so tired, yesterday mom was in such a bad way, having lots of discomfort and things of that nature, she had me on my feet almost the whole night and day. But I am happy to say that I managed through it and today we seem to be having a break...I got to catch up on much needed sleep, my appetite is returning, not much but is returning.

I just wish I had more energy and motivation, It just seems that I drag from one day to the next, during the week trying to fit everything in the four hours I have to myself.

I have been searching and searching for solutions to this life, so far road blocks at every turn. Mom and I seem to be the square peg thats trying to fit in the round hole.

As tired as I am, Im not going to give up.

[Luna-]

Shannon. I think they call it the daily grind. Not for nothing, grinds you into the dust. You know, you are doing such a fine thing, I am glad you will keep going. Don't have much to say, but wanted to tell you you're inspiring.

[IrmaJean]

It must be very comforting for your mother to have you caring for her, Shannon.

You only have four hours to yourself? Do you have any help in this, at all? Any support system there?

You sound very determined. This can go a long way to helping yourself, I think. I hope you are able to get some rest. Take gentle care.

[shanrucas]

Thank you both for responding,,yeah Luna theres not much really to say about this situation and I think you are right..its the daily grind and I have been doing this for over six years now.

IJ I use to have more help, but it costs to much and I had to lay off the weekend employee and the full time one is partime. I am hoping that this is all temporary. I do plan special outings for myself no and then. So I am doing the best I can...I think getting back on my meds was a wise decision.

[shanrucas]

Well I have to say, I feel I have definately made the right decision in keeping my mom home as long as I can, even as hard as it is. Just learned that yet another friend's mother who was recently moved into a facility cause she was elderly and a fall risk..well guess what..she fell and wasn't found for over 18 hours! Now hospice is involved because the poor woman isn't doing well after that experience.

[Luna-]

18 hours!!! And she is in a facility? That is just terrible.

[shanrucas]

yeah Luna, 18 hours...the horrible thing is this is third friend that has had a parent experience this in a facility.

[Luna-]

How aware is your mom of what is going on around her?

[shanrucas]

very...she knows she is home and its her home, says she's glad to be able to be here, a few years ago she was in a lovely adult foster care home had a private room and everything....she didn't like it, was very depressed.

[randomperson]

Not sure what to say. Just saying hello and my thoughts are with you right now.

[shanrucas]

Thank you randomperson, you are a kind person...I might call you that instead of random:D

[tash28]

A lady fell and not found for 18 hours in a facility...... Oh my dear god I am so shocked if this is the case they should be reported and they should be looking at neglect and closing the facility down.

Hope your ok shannon

[shanrucas]

I haven't seen my friend whose mother this happened to yet, to find out what actions were taken.

Here unfortunately is the norm, nursing home facilities and assisted living places are for profit business's. One nursing home in my town was not only shut down once but twice. To save money they will only have 2-3 CNA's per shift, taking care of over 21 patients if not more. Once lady had not been turned in days, you can imagine how bad she was...I won't go into details. So when people ask me why I don't I put mom in a nursing home..you see why. We just don't have decent ones here. they are all overcrowded and understaffed and charge any where from 4,000 to 6,000 per month for this poor quality of care.

[randomperson]

Your sweet thank you

Your story brings bad memories of my grandmother's time in the nursing home. They didn't do bad things like that but slipped up on mnay things and she hated staying htere. Worse thing she threw up once and I had to catch them on it and tell them to clean it up!! We wonder if them not keeping her meds in check caused her cancer

I still feel very guilty about all that. Mom said she couldn't take care of her though.. and my grandmother's mind was slipping very bad.. I don't think we could have.

What you are doing is difficult and I compliment you. Mom can still get around and it wears me out sometimes.. after a long day at work or tough day in general.

[tash28]

That is real bad. When I care for people I always say this is someones son, someone brother or sister and most important this is a human that deserves to be cared for properly. Im real shocked. Think you made the right choice shannon.