My Journey WILL continue

[randomperson]

Mom had a great birthday friday, she enjoyed visiting with her friends..unfortunately aunt came over to and stayed longer than I would of liked, but I was civil and behaved myself. All she could talk about was herself and her beautiful home, I swear if she was going to mention the studio that my uncle built for her one more time I was going to explode. Conversation turned to economy and how things are so expensive, so out of my own curosity I made the comment that how in the end of this caring for mom that I would more than likely end up living in my truck out at the stables...her reply: "Its so good you have a plan in place", don't have to explain how this mad me feel:mad:. She could just go back to her Martha Stewart life and stay away. I will never ever ask her for anything ever! I will remain civil for moms sake but thats all.

Just needed to vent this all out.

I am glad you vented. You needed to on this. That woman needs a good talking to IMO.

One of those people that just do not care.

I wrote this on my FB profile page: I found in life there are givers and takers. God bless the givers for they give hope, peace, and walk the path of the righteous.

May it give you peace to know you are one of the givers.

[shanrucas]

Thanks random, that is truly beautiful.

[randomperson]

I wrote that at a time where I was just overcoming the suicidal spot I had.

People came into my life at just the right time, right after some people used me and discarded me afterwards.

Those people that helped came in long enough and gave me support just enough to keep me going.

Won't say it made me better I was still hurt.. but it kept me hanging on enough to bare the brunt of the storm.

Thought came for the movie Gorrilla's in the Mist where it spoke of the natural balance in life. It really spoke of the takers the ones that deplete the environment don't care about anyone or anything. Movie was very eye opening on many things.

One of my favorite things was rain. We all rush to hide under objects try our best to keep one single drop from touching us and feel so uncomfortable. It showed gorillas sitting in the midst of it not caring.. enjoying it the rain for what it was. We are so uptight about life. At the time I realized I do this.

After that next rain I stopped, relaxed.. and you know what it changed my perspective. No longer do I run in from the rain.. unless it is too cold haha

My mother said something last week I never thought of but is true. I will also include what I took from what she said.

You have to give part of yourself to heal someone who is missing pieces out of their life. So be aware of this.

As you are giving part of your heart it leaves you open as part of you belongs to them for that time. In the end the person you are helping can either take too much and in return leave you broken like they were, or you can stand together and both heal both be stronger than before.

[shanrucas]

I found peace in what you said..thanks for sharing it. I remember watchin Gorilla's In The Mist, it was a wonderful movie. Also remember the Givers and Takers also being mentioned in the movie Instinct with Anthony Hopkins who also played a part about a man who lived with the Gorillas. I guess we could learn a lot from those magnificant creatures.

What your mother said about helping others sure does put things into perpective.

thank you again for your support.

[randomperson]

I found peace in what you said..thanks for sharing it. I remember watchin Gorilla's In The Mist, it was a wonderful movie. Also remember the Givers and Takers also being mentioned in the movie Instinct with Anthony Hopkins who also played a part about a man who lived with the Gorillas. I guess we could learn a lot from those magnificant creatures.

What your mother said about helping others sure does put things into perpective.

thank you again for your support.

You know what that was the movie I was talking about lol. Whatcha know had the wrong movie name.. saw it on TV

[shanrucas]

LOL...I thought maybe that was the movie you meant but wasn't sure..my memory not so good...but it was a good movie don't you think, hit the nail on the head about the givers and takers, I liked the part about taking away the illusion of freedom.

Well, I am pretty much calmed down about my aunts visit, like I said the good thing is that at least she doesn't come around that much, maybe twice a year which is fine with me. Its her choice how often she's sees her only sister. My mom is quite fine about her not coming over that much, she says she annoys her...they are so oppisite of each other.

[randomperson]

Changed my perspective on a few things not many movies that can do that.

Glad you are feeling better

[shanrucas]

Oh I am so trying to get through the day...then the night, haven't slept for 2 days..Had a brief manic episode thought i was going to softly land from it..but no..crash bang landing. In tears, thing of want could of been about my life, mind is still actually racing around from one though to the other...Have appt with pdoc tomorrow, not sure I want to see him..I know what he's going to say.."you have to get help to take care of your mother" which I would gladly do in a minute if the money was there...I have cut my allowace down quite a bit from what was originally agreed. I am know trying to live on $400.00 a month. Its so easy for the professionals to make the suggestions of which I already know...I am feeling that need to run, and run as fast as I can.

[Leo1954]

Hi!

WHY IS IT THAT THERAPISTS TRY TO TELL YOU! TO DO SOMETHING WHEN THEY KNOW DAMN WELL THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY!

NOW LISTEN TO THIS ONE PLEASE GO IN THERE TOMORROW WHEN HE ASKS YOU IF YOU CAN OR HAVE YOU FOUND SOMEBODY TO HELP TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOM?

SAY YOU DAMN STRAIGHT YOUR WIFE [OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER] SAID NO PROBLEM SHE & YOU [MEANING HIM] ARE HIRING SOMEBODY TO WATCH HER AND THAT THEY WILL PAY FOR IT! AND YOU PREFER A 24hr. SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AROUND THE CLOCK NO VACATION TIME AND THEY BETTER JUMP WHEN YOU & YOUR MOM SAY JUMP!

THEN YOU SAY SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD DON'T YOU THINK! I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH IT.

NOW I AM TALKING LIKE A SMART ASS BUT WHAT THE HELL SOUNDS GOOD DOESN'T IT!!!!!!!

[shanrucas]

Interesting, you read my mind if in deed he brings the issue up..Thanks for putting into words for me, often say this very thing in my mind when people say the same thing to me, if only it were that simple, right. Thanks for understanding my frustrations Leo.

[tash28]

shannon Im here for you and listening whenever you want to talk.

I feel like running lets run together x

[shanrucas]

Tash, how interesting, just last night that running away feeling came over me too, yes I think we should just runaway, it would be nice to have someone runaway with me since I tend to get lost easliy, sometimes I just run in circles. Thanks for being here.

[tash28]

I tend to get lost shannon but at least if we are running together we can help each other through the journey. How are you today x x

[shanrucas]

Just trying to cope with my overly energic moods of extreme highs...slide down to a low for a moment and then up I go again..I really, really want to take off and spend somewhere other than home right now..I need to burn off energy really, really bad. Didn't sleep till about 2:30 am and that was with the help of seroquel...woke up at 5am and have been going eversince. Its so hard to fight the urge to head up the river, my old stomping grounds...but Im doing my best.

Got lab work back from pdoc, I am very low on vitimin D, I have to get 50,000 mg of D and take 1 per week for 8 weeks..and was told to go out as much as I can to get some sun.

[tash28]

I hope you are getting some sleep shannon.

If the pdoc says you need to get out and see some sun that will be the perfect time to go and do what you enjoy most. HORSE RIDING. Hopfully someone will look after your mum so you can take some time out to enjoy the sun and go riding.

Take care

[Guest ASchwartz]

Shanrucas,

Its true, you really do need to get outside and get sun. Not only is it healthy for you and for you vitamin but its also healthy for your mind...regardless of diagnosis.

Allan

[shanrucas]

Thanks Allan, I was so shocked that I was so low on vitimin D:eek:, cause I had been taking 2000mg daily,plus the fact I am outside everday during the week...I know that where I live here in the Northwest many people are lacking D, Vitimin D is also instrumatal for those who have MS that I learned...just think I should of known better...getting the vitimin first thing Monday.

[Leo1954]

Hi!

I am so sorry that i have been selfish and rambled on about my daughters problems & not talking to you on having MS. I am glad you are taking the Vitamin D. I somehow in my stupid little head don"t think of people also suffering from another condition![don't like to say disease to anybody]

I have worked in a hospital and when Traumas came up I also worked with MUSCLAR DYSTROPHY & MS. runs for money to support these foundations I have a cousin that has MS. she has had it for 15yrs. I have no idea what you feel like but please do everything you have to do don't you ever give up on this which you don't sound like you will.

There is always new meds. & treatments that are being looked at & soon you will be sent letters & of course I hope you have a good Dr. who will let you know as he hears from the FDA.

Please take care. Shame on me for not responding to on this!

[shanrucas]

Leo, you do not have to apologize for not responding to everyones posts..answer when you feel it..you have so much on you plate right now and you are not being selfish at all.

But to clarify, its my mother who has MS and has been in the progressive stage for ten years now. I am primary caregiver and it is sometimes a very difficult time, its hard to watch go on like this, she is totally bed ridden at this time, but despite it all she always has a smile for me.

My issues are trying to cope with the stress of this and keeping myself balanced. My disorder is bipolor 2 with PTSD. I have been back on mood stablizer now since January..I stupidly quit taking them there for awhile and crashed really bad..I am feeling a little bit more balance now, with the help of supportive friends......Remember YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH.

[shanrucas]

Here it is, going on 2 am, up and restless...wishing I could be somewhere else. Let myself get upset with a friend on chat..she just rubbed in how she is out having fun..at first I just thought to myself oh well who cares..she's not a close friend..but she does know my situation..so that in it self upset me. I have been going through so much lately, not just the care of my mom and not being to leave her alone for very long at all...I made that choice in my life and will stay with it till the end...but I have been having series of flashbacks and I am doing my best to deal with them as they come...I don't need someone popping and telling "oh look how good my life is....Ugh! thats all I can say about it for now..

[tash28]

Hope you get some sleep tonight shannon

[shanrucas]

Yep, Tash, I finally fell asleep around 3:30 am, I just now woke up and my head feels a little fuzzy.....COFFEE!

[tash28]

coffee always good in the morning i have to drink loads in the morning before I can function properly. Im glad to hear you have had some sleep hope you have a good SATURDAY x

[shanrucas]

My Saturday turned out great..not only did I get to spend 3 hours at the stables with good friends, I got a chance to take the dogs out on a brisk walk this morning. I am working on getting back into shape..got 10 lbs to my goal weight..figured I'd better get into shape if that job situation becomes true.

Im still riding that wild rollercoaster ride however. I get back home and become restless all over again, I know I should do something productive..but just can't keep focused on anything for long. Also I am very worried about getting all of moms stuff together for the accountant..we haven't had the money to pay the estimated taxes to the IRS..I have to call them next week..and tell them just how bad this situation has become..I still have the feeling that in the near future if I don't end up with this job..that I will indeed be living in my truck.

[tash28]

hey shannon good luck with the job.

Im glad you had a nice saturday with the horses and the dogs nothing better then getting out in the fresh air doing what you enjoy most.

Im not having such a good time at the mo seemed to rbe real restless. Im lucky if I canget 3 hours sleep a night. Not got much energy to do much.

Hope you have a nice sleep take care x