My Journey WILL continue

[shanrucas]

seems we are cycling together Tash.....you and I can do it! we will both find that balance that has been so illusive, with hard work..we can do it..we have each other to lean on;)

[shanrucas]

Feeling very unsettled,restless which that has been going on for a bit, but now apprehensive of the future....Trying out for a job, unloading fishing boats when they come in..suppose to go tomorrow.. I have only been getting bits and pieces about the job..I know it is extreme physical labor, not afraid of that, pay is outrageous like that. The problem is that this is not very well organized...still don't know who, what, and where....call me old fashion, but I like to know these things..if I am going to be paying extra money in caregiving. I want to know more facts! I if I don't get return calls soon, Im waiting till midnight and pounding on a few doors:mad:

[shanrucas]

Randomperson I don't know if you will see this...but I have to tell you that today I was thinking about our earlier conversation about the movie about living with the gorillas...I got to take a break today and go out to see my horses at the stables..there wasn't very much parking left so I had to park further down the road and walk up....It was one of those rains that was warm and coming straight down..not to hard but a nice rain...everyone was all bundled in their hats and hoods, and here I come...no hood or hat...just letting the rain wash over my head....it felt sooo good.

[randomperson]

Randomperson I don't know if you will see this...but I have to tell you that today I was thinking about our earlier conversation about the movie about living with the gorillas...I got to take a break today and go out to see my horses at the stables..there wasn't very much parking left so I had to park further down the road and walk up....It was one of those rains that was warm and coming straight down..not to hard but a nice rain...everyone was all bundled in their hats and hoods, and here I come...no hood or hat...just letting the rain wash over my head....it felt sooo good.

It is the small things that makes life better.. that helps. I'm happy for you!

[shanrucas]

That is something I keep telling myself Random...appriciate all that is around me and don't take the small things for granted.. I had started another post about change last night...I don't think I made alot of sense..I don't know if its cause I got to get unusal amount of sleep that is not normal for me and my brain was still fuzzy..don't know..do know Im not use to sleeping like I did..mom was doing good and everything was in allignment for me to get some much needed rest..brain just isn't use to it..lol..

[shanrucas]

Trying to my best to remain balanced in my life, eating better, getting more exercise, etc. But I am afraid...Taking care of mom all these years has taken its toll on me mentally and financially. I just realized that I have to concel my next appt wit pdoc..can't afford it, I have to pay out of pocket for everything, guees I will have to take may chances with the county mental health clinic..can't afford the meds either.

[watercolor]

Hi Shannon. I'm sorry to hear of all the difficulty you are going through--I also read your post about feeling confined. However, I am glad to hear that you are trying to remain balanced and trying to take care of yourself.

[shanrucas]

Watercolor, I hope you are truly doing better today, sorry I missed your post in urgent need.

I started my own little campaign against the healthcare system. Wrote to my congressman and plan to write him everyday, determined to get my mothers story out there. Something is got to be done. I refuse to let her be turned over to a nursing home facility just because of the extreme costs of healthcare...they are NOT going to get a chance to take her house and kill her in the process.

[watercolor]

I'm doing somewhat better, relatively speaking. Thanks.

My relatively limited experience with healthcare has made me very suspicious and cynical (well, that might be my nature in general for most people, but still...), so I guess I can only imagine the painful understanding you have gained from your experiences. Good luck to you.

[shanrucas]

I know I don't post like I use to. I am still struggling the ups and downs of life right now, and more than ever I feel so isolated. My friends are busy and I just don't have many people to talk to anymore, this is hard since I can't get out and about. It just seems that a few months ago I had more people to interact with and now all seem to be gone. I tell myself that the world can't stop just because I can't experience it right now. I guess what I am trying to say is that I need people (can't believe I am saying that cause I always said Im best alone)..anyway I miss interacting with people. I was at least able to do that through the internet, but except for a couple of people all have gone...which triggers abandonment issues that I thought I had gotten over long ago. I am trying my best to reach out, but it seems most are afraid or something of me anymore........I don't want to die alone.

[IrmaJean]

I'm here and definitely not afraid. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely.

You mentioned before that you have dogs. I love animals. Would you like to talk about your pets? We have a hamster named Raisin. For some reason my daughter keeps choosing food names for her pets. Cookie, Cashew, Pumpkin, Sunflower Seed, Sugar, Spice... Anyhow, Raisin is black and white and loves to run on her hamster wheel. At night she climbs up her cage and tries to escape.

Do you like to read or write? Maybe this could give you some small breaks from caring for your mother?

Take care.

[shanrucas]

Thanks Irma for wanting to talk to me, funny I was just about to delete my last post cause it sounded sooooo pathetic. Anyway you replied before I could.

I love animals, I don't know what I would do without them. I have 3 dogs, a Cairn Terrier, Zach and 2 Jack Russells, Richard and Ringo, Ringo was a rescue. Mom has her cat Spencer, and I have a calico that adopted me, Madame. My other pride and joys are my 4 horses. Three are egyptian arabians one I raised as a baby,his name is Ibn Samar, Sam for short, then there is Navarre and Charm. The one is a Freisian cross, a big girl named Shea. I do get to spend time with them in the mornings during the week, just can't do the six hour rides I use to. I have given up a lot of things to be able to take care of mom, use to be a volunteer firefighter, made it to captain, just think a woman captain. no career, no relationships..all have been put aside except for the horses that I am holding on to for dear life, they are the last thing I haven't given up.

I use to read a lot, but anymore I find it difficult, I seem to keep reading the same sentence over and over again, then if I set the book down..I have to start all over again, also use to draw and play my banjo, but again I try and nothing, I don't know if its the medication or what.

Excecise seems to help which where the horses come in, I use to be able to take the dogs on 2 mile hikes. I am hoping that I can get my sleep more regulated, I can take them for a run just as its getting light out and mom is still asleep. A friend from the past said she would donate an hour a couple times a week so that I can take the dogs out for a real walk. I am hoping this will improve my dark mood. I know I must find a way to keep going, I hope I can keep it together for my appt. at the clinic next Monday. I need to do something, my brain is all over the place and I think the meds Im on currantly aren't not working.

Thanks Irma for talking to me...

[IrmaJean]

I can tell you love animals! Horses too? That's awesome. I bet they are beautiful. I took a few riding lessons when I was about 10, but I haven't been on a horse in a very long time. I've heard it feels very freeing to ride. I'll have to try it again sometime. I hope you have a chance to do that in the near future. It's good that your friend has offered to help so you can walk your dogs. Walking 3 at once must be challenging!

I hope that your appointment is helpful and that things improve for you. Have a serene night.

[shanrucas]

Thank you, I am going to give it my best shot, its been difficult since mom has come up with a new MS symptom which is to rample on and on in some sort of strange conversation, it goes on forever and is hard to bear. If I get going early I am going to take those dogs for a quick run before she wakes up, gotta do something. Again thanks for talking to me it helped a bit to take my mind of current things here.

[IrmaJean]

Good morning. I hope you have the chance to get outside with your dogs. The birds are chirping here already. I'm up early to start working on an essay that will be challenging. Trying to gather some brain energy...

I can imagine how the new symptom would be difficult to bear.

I hope your day goes okay.

[shanrucas]

Good Morning, its almost 6am here and I got myself up and moving at 4:30 this morning and as soon as it got light enough out I took the dogs out for a quick run, Im a little out of shape..but it worked out fine cause mom stayed asleep. She doesn't usually start waking up until 6;30 anyway...Boy, the dogs really needed it. They came back had their breakfast and are crashing out.

I wish you luck on your essay, I must find a way to use my troubled mind in some sort of positive way so as not to have anymore of those intrusive thoughts, one step at a time I guess, start off with more exercise.

I hope you have a good day too Irma, and again thanks for responding to my posts, it helps, but don't feel you have to everyday. I understand how things can get overwhelming.

[shanrucas]

I think I am going to take a break for awhile, my mood is just to down and I am feeling like I am drowning and not much help to others....my heart hurts just to much.

[IrmaJean]

You can come here to get support for yourself. We're here for you. I'm sorry you feel like you're drowning. Have you ever thought about blogging on here? I hope you feel better.

[shanrucas]

I know I haven't been here in a long time..Been trying to find my way and my place in life. It's been a real bumpy ride. I have gotten back into to therapy at a low cost clinic, I think its helping, to early to tell. Having a change to meditcation is helping too, thinking a little clearer.. not shutting down as much. Staying physically active and seeing how I can earn a living once again, a bit overwhelmed by that, but still moving forward and not giving up the fight.

I am also embracing the fact that I will probably always live life as a single person. I had thought I had found someone to connect with that understood me and accepted me even with my faults, but I guess not, just ended without explanation..thats happened before in my life, hmm must be me. I am not as lonely as I once was, using this time to strenghten my heart and mind, choosing to think of it as a life of solitude instead of loneliness, its a good fit for me. As I heal perhaps I will be of more help to others, but for now I am doing just that healing.

I had a rough time there for awhile, a close friend of mine husband took his life in a rather drastic way. It caused me to flashback regarding a friend who did the same over 20 years ago and it made me realize that I had never grieved as I should for him. So I did just that and I feel better and more at peace and now realize that for every bad thing that happens some good can come from it. So I have taking a closer look at all aspects of my life and doing the best to keep forward motion going.

Peace and love to all who have been there for me, thank you for being a part of my life.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Shanrucas,

Welcome back. Sorry to hear you have had such a hard time. But, it's really good to have you back. We're here for you.

Allan:)