I'm an abuser, and I need to stop

[Candle]

Hello, everyone.

I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man for 6 years. Unfortunately, due to the fact that my mother (who very well may have had borderline personality disorder) was abusive and I have a history of being abandoned and otherwise betrayed by those close to me, I have been abusing my significant other. Mostly psychologically and verbally. I've never physically abused him.

Understandably, he is extremely hurt and angry with me right now and our relationship is teetering on the edge of ruin. I, personally, have confronted my inner demons and determined the cause of my abusive behavior (fear of abandonment/infidelity/need for acceptance and attention) and no longer feel the need to be abusive.

We both want to go back to the happy times before the abuse became prevalent, but we need to try to get him past the pain and anger that are overwhelming him right now.

But he is still upset and he is claiming the wounds will never heal. I'm wondering if there are any methods I can use to demonstrate I have overcome my abusive tendencies. I know I won't be able to convince him overnight, but any advice is welcome and greatly appreciated.

EDIT: His mother and I have determined that bringing up relationship issues simply triggers him, by reminding him of the abusive fights we had. So talking about it, currently, does not make things any easier for either of us.

I'm also in what I guess is called the "honeymoon" period. I'm not sure how long such a period usually lasts, but it's been about two weeks and I have no been abusive. Is this a good sign that I've broken the cycle or am taking steps toward that?

Edited October 2, 2008 by Candle
More info

[paula]

Hi Candle

We all have demon's in our life, it's how we let them rule us that count's?

You mention your insecurity by the way you've been treated throughout your life. This is understandable? Did you not mention this to your other half when you first met? You must of mentioned this somewhere along the line? If so, then he should understand! He should understand more than anyone how you feel!

You've been hurt throughout your life and by the people who you would at least expect to be hurt from, your own family! So it's understandable you don't trust anyone. Especially them who you've come to love? Deep down your frightened of getting hurt yet once again? Being abandened by the one you truly love? This is not about him! This is about you! What about how you feel? Has he cared to ask you that? He's a fella though isn't he? Fella's are all the same! Me,me,me. They don't care about you, they're only bothered about theirself's. With the few exeption's? And I mean a few exeption's!

You sit there worrying about whether he can forgive and forget? I wouldn't bother if I was you! Clearly he indicates that he won't let you forget it! If he's not willing to forget about the past and look to the future then I'd call it a day, before he hurt's you more than he has already? It's no good dwelling on the past all the time! Where does it get you? No where! You should be making plan's for the future!

All's I can suggest is follow your heart! You won't go wrong there!

Good luck and take care!

[gordian knot]

Hi Candle, I have some initial thoughts about your situation, but first I am really curious about your label as an "abuser". Are you the one who identified your actions as "abuse" or has your boyfriend been telling you that, or his mom? How did you first identify that? And what do you think about being called that?

Also, you've said the abuse was "mostly verbal and psychological." Were there other types as well? Can you give an example of what you say or do when you become "abusive"?

Also, what kinds of things has your boyfriend said or done before you've lost control and had these reactions? Would you describe any of his words or actions as aggressive or violent?

I just think the terms "psychological abuse," "emotional abuse," and "verbal abuse" mean so many different things to different people. I'm not justifying your behavior or saying your descriptions are not correct, but if you could provide some details of your actions it might give us more of an idea how we can provide the best support for you here.

Welcome. It is very brave of you to reach out for help.

Best,

Sean