What if?

[Athena]

In my therapy session today, I got to thinking about "what ifs".

- What if I hadn't crawled into bed with my parents at age four and got bumped out onto the floor, resulting in a concussion?

- What if somebody had noticed I lost half my hearing at that time instead of me finding out a few months ago?

- What if my Mom hadn't drunk so much?

- What if my Dad hadn't worked so much?

- What if my parents hadn't fought so much?

- What if my parents had actually TALKED to me?

- What if my parents had actually LISTENED to me?

- What if my sister hadn't put me down so much?

Then, where would I be now?

Well, at least music is a whole new experience for me now, I don't drink (well, not much), I'm taking time off from work for me and my daughters, I hate fighting, I TALK to my daughters, I LISTEN to them and I try to build them up. I fear I have missed out on life but perhaps I can LEARN from this and make sure my kids don't miss out on theirs. I'm still waiting to start mine.

[malign]

What if, instead, you were actually living your life all that time, forming the person who talks to her children and who listens to her children, and what if that time was essential for forming the person you are now?

Would you really want to go back and tinker with things, and perhaps come out of it a different person? Be assured that that person would have a completely different set of problems (every person has some), and no guarantee of being any better equipped to cope with them.

I would say, what is the event you're waiting for, when your life will officially begin? Why not stop waiting, and just see what today holds?

[Athena]

Malign, you are very perceptive. I guess that last line wasn't terribly consistent with my tag line. I suppose I am living now. I think I was pretty much one of the walking dead the past twenty years. Unfortunately, when you REALLY start living after that long, you have quite a few messes to clean up. And you have to essentially "get a life". That takes a while. And yes, I do try to keep in mind how I might apply all that "learning".

Went out to a political function tonight, one of the few places it is acceptable to show up single. Ended up being invited to sit with a bunch of elderly "gents". Interesting and fun group. However, I did learn something- I most definitely have an upper age limit:rolleyes:

[Waiting]

You sound like a great mother and a wonderful person and that is what is important.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Athena,

Malign is right on target. All of us can live in the world of "what if" but it gets us nowhere fast. What about Malign saying that you need to live now (a rough paraphrase)?

Allan

[Athena]

The idea of truly "living" still seems foreign to me. I seem to relate it to relationships. Unfortunately my whole life, they have been fleeting or dysfunctional. I regard pretty much everybody with distrust and expect nobody to care about me, or worse yet, judge me. If I develop a connection with someone, it inevitably fades and dies. So far when I lose the connection with my kids, it always comes back, but I'm afraid some day it won't. I had a very strong connection with my therapist for a couple of months. Last week, I described it as "fading". This week, I told him "it has evaporated". I predicted that would happen during his upcoming holiday. Turns out it happened ahead of time.

I find that the statement on the depression questionnaires, "Are you disinterested in things that normally make you happy?" is very presumptive. It presumes that something made you happy in the past. What if NOTHING ever did? What if you had complete apathy for EVERYTHING? Where do you start?

[IrmaJean]

You had felt connected with your therapist, but now you don't? Did something happen between you or was it something you just noticed?

Do you think that you are having trouble holding on to good feelings, Athena?

[Athena]

You had felt connected with your therapist, but now you don't? Did something happen between you or was it something you just noticed?

Do you think that you are having trouble holding on to good feelings, Athena?

I had a very strong erotic transference toward him, which just kept building. We talked about it and I fear I told him too much and ended up feeling very guilty and wanting to bury those feelings. I even tried to get him to try to forget about them, and his advisors. It's like i just want to wipe everybody's memory so i don't have to feel so ashamed. And it's not that the feelings bothered me. It was disclosing them that all of a sudden brings up the question, "what does this say about me?" Unfortunately, the wonderful, warm non-erotic connection with him also disappeared. I would think of him often in a very positive way, and even have wonderful conversations in my head with him. He kind of took over my thoughts, which pushed out the other person who was constantly in my head and who is currently traumatizing me so much - my ex. Well, now my ex is back in my head and the images of what kind of further violation I will have to endure to get my freedom back are getting unbearable. I can't live in this limbo-land anymore. I will have to buy my freedom back, like a slave. Because I allowed myself to become his slave due to his threats and manipulation and because he ended up living off me, the marital laws say he is entitled to a continuation of this. I have a certain number in mind as to the price I am willing to pay for my freedom, but I fear he will ask for more, and that's when the images of my head going through a wall and blood flying everywhere come up. Every suicidal thought and method just come rushing back.

[IrmaJean]

I had a very strong erotic transference toward him, which just kept building. We talked about it and I fear I told him too much and ended up feeling very guilty and wanting to bury those feelings. I even tried to get him to try to forget about them, and his advisors. It's like i just want to wipe everybody's memory so i don't have to feel so ashamed.

I also had a very strong positive response to my therapist during therapy, Athena. Why is it, do you think, that you have felt shame around this?

And it's not that the feelings bothered me. It was disclosing them that all of a sudden brings up the question, "what does this say about me?"

Learning all that is behind your response...and within it...is part of your story. So what it says about you can be very telling. This is not meant in any way to judge your feelings, but to learn about yourself from exploring the meaning behind them.

Well, now my ex is back in my head and the images of what kind of further violation I will have to endure to get my freedom back are getting unbearable.

Do you feel your safety is being threatened in this? This sounds very stressful! I hope that you are able to remove yourself from this painful situation.

[Athena]

Why do I feel ashamed? I disclosed a fantasy about him, and I was pretty graphic. It almost felt like I used him, for my own gratification. Even though there was no "physical enactment" as he calls it. I usually refer to myself as a BPD (borderline). Lately, I feel like I should change that to "Crossed the Line", because I feel like I do that a lot.

Somehow I've got to come to terms with what the heck a "therapeutic relationship"is supposed to entail. I feel like I need a rulebook or something.

With regards to my ex, I feel very unsafe from an emotional and survival point of view. I have nightmares about him being in my house. Not that he would directly harm me physically. He'd just threaten me and wear me down to the point of me saying "I don't have to live with this". Unfortunately the only control I have over "not living with it" is to be dead, which is just about the ONLY thing I can control. I do worry about my kids though. Three separate third parties have called Children's Aid on him due to his hitting them. Last time, they said they'd get help for him. No cuts or bruises, but his threats of harming them physically and other emotional abuse is what I worry about more. So, needless to say, I have to stick around, for them.