Onwards n Upwards

[Misty]

So life for myself and my family is altered forever!

As I sit here alone in my new flat, the pain and suffering of the last few months, seems to be subsiding.

I'm diagnosed, on 400mg Quetiapine and prepared for the long journey ahead that is life!

I see my kids every day, and they now appear to be used to the fact that Mummy comes to visit, then goes home.

My relationship with them is improving, they were and still are my everything. Now though with a little perspective I can see profoundly that my illness had a massive impact on them.

I now have the space to get myself together and be a better Mum, an improved version of myself.

I know that it's not going to be a walk in the park to resume a "normal" life. But at least now I know what it is I have to deal with and hopefully can avoid too many blips in the future!

Relocating again, to be near my ex's family. He has a large extended family and so the children will benefit greatly growing up with that extra support.

Can't wait, nice new life in a new place, with back up.

Heres to the future, with all that it brings! I know there will be highs, lows and all thats in between, but armed with the knowledge and understanding to make it fantastic!!

[shanrucas]

Hello Misty

I am happy for you that things to be looking up..and yes becoming "normal" by some peoples standards may never happen...but what is normal anyway. But equipt with the knowledge you now have you can seek out "your normal" that middle ground where you feel some balance. Yes the will always be the highs and lows, the trick is learning to recognize them and cope accordingly.

welcome to a new chapter in your journey.

Shannon

[Luna-]

Hi Misty, good to hear from you again. Glad things are on the up (and not too up).

[Misty]

So apparently, according to a social worker, I am not diagnosed as they aren't sure if it's bipolar or a personality disorder!!!

I've just read through all the personality disorders and I don't really see that I have any of them. I can see how some of my actions whilst in a mania could be construed as histrionic personality disorder.....but this is not the everday norm of my behaviour!

I'm confused, if they listen to me properly then there shouldn't be any doubt!!

If they think its a PD, then I may never get my kids back! But I don't see the paralells on a long term basis!

Whereas reading about bipolar, resonates deeply with all my past lows and highs and the times in between when I'm perceptually "normal"!

There really is no doubt in my mind...it fits! So why is there doubt in their minds.

I'm going to get an appointment with my gp tomorrow as I need this cleared up. Also my Pdoc has been relaying information I've told him to the social worker. Which I am extremely upset about! How can I get better if things I say in confidence aren't, and can be used against me!! I need to be able to be honest in order to get better. But I also need to be able to see my kids on a more normal basis! 1 1/2 hrs, 3 days a week I am permitted supervised access!! 2 whole hrs on Xmas day!! WoW...between 4 children this is nothing. This is having an impact on their emotional wellbeing!

I'm not a danger to them! I just want to be able to take them out and be a good mum again!

At the moment this feels like it will never happen!

Yes I'm on a downward spiral...is it any bloody wonder!

[Misty]

I dont really know why I'm bothering to write this. I am so unbelievably lonely!!

[shanrucas]

Hi Misty, you are writing because you are lonely, I am sorry that you are feeling so low. It's hard when you feel lost and feeling you are disappearing. I tend to fade into the woodwork myself when I am depressed and I feel no one would even notice. But fortunately I have some good friends that don't let me do that, some of them are right here in this community.

Do you have a close friend you can confide in? Sometimes friends become more like family than family. No matter what kind of diagnoses someone has its important to have support. It took a long time for me to find true friends who know that its just support that I need and they don't judge or tell me what I should do. I hope that you can find that support. You can fight the lost feeling, do something that you like, take a walk, clear the head anything even the simplest thing. Most of all keep up with whatever therapy works for you. When do you see doc, or therapist, be honest with them about how you are feeling.

Don't give up the fight, we are here for you in this community as well

Take care of yourself,

Shannon

[Luna-]

Hi Misty. Want to tell us more? Did something happen?

[Misty]

My diagnosis is bipolar affective disorder, the social workers information was wrong!

My Gp confirmed this.

I am still waiting for the day hospital to contact me so I can start going there.

I am lonely because I am alone!

Once I have seen my children there is nothing! I am amicable with their dad and can sit and have a chat with him, but I am divorcing him! So there are things I don't want to talk to him about!

I have no friends! There was a woman i met at mums and tots yet i have not heard from her since i went into hospital! I have txt her, but she does not reply. So I have no one!

Had another meeting about access etc regards children, I am still not allowed to be alone with them. This is really affecting me. I am not a threat to them, they are my world. Which is why I am so lost! Since I was 19 I have known nothing but being a mum. Obviously when I've been manic I have been out etc, and done questionable things. But now that my meds are working and im levelled out all I want is to be with them. I can't even take them to the local shop, or to the toilet if we are all out together!!

I am powerless. I visit them and it is so apparent that I don'r live there anymore.

I have no say about anything, they ask me for something, I have to say ask your Dad. I am a visitor in my own life!!

I need the day hospital so that it is on record that I'm ok now. For them to notice the progress, as social services wont take my word for it. All suggested help and support has never made itself known to me! I dont have a community team involved, even though this was promised to me. I don't have the crisis team, they dnt wana know! I have no one!

All I want is to get better and have my kids!

I was looking at art classes as I started to do a bit when I was in hospital. But i dont know if I have the bottle to go! My art is abstract not conventional, it's jst an expression of emotions, not controlled!

I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know where I belong! I'm so lost!

[shanrucas]

Misty, I am sorry that you are having a difficult time, not having quality time with your kids must be really hard. I think you are on a good start though, getting leveled out, glad you have medications that seem to be working for you, but never get discouraged medication can have to be changed now and them.

What good thinking about going to day hospital to have them document your progress when no one else will work with you, go with the art thing as well, people often like abstract as opposed to conventional. I like abstract cause it can show so much emotion.

I wish well and good luck, I hope you will be united with your children soon.

Shannon

[Misty]

I am doing ok. Thought I was slipping into depression...but I'm fighting it!

Don't really know if this is anything to do with bipolar or just the emotions of someone starting a new life.

My husband and I are over, there is no qustion of us getting back together.

But I feel guilty about my hopes and dreams for the future.

Whether it was imagined or not, he has been my authority figure and boss so to spk for 9 years.

So even though I am no longer answerable to him, I feel I need his approval in the next steps.

We have been seperated for 5 months. Yet I am finding myself wishing for a new relationship. Too soon?

I don't want full on partnership, just a casual friendship with abit of snuggles and affection thrown in. I feel tremendously guilty about this.

It's not like it's actually gonna happen, as I don't go anywhere to meet anyone and in the near future I am moving 7 hrs away from my current location. Just my desire for some closeness with another human being stirs up all this guilt!!

I alone am responsible for breaking up the family unit. My 3 yr old cries at bedtime when he asks if I will be there in the morning. Because I won't. Mummy doesn't live there anymore.

"But you used to live with us." he says. "I'm not allowed to live with you anymore, because Mummy has a poorly head, we can live together again one day". "But I want you to live with us now, I miss you at night time when you're at home". He sobs!! Heartbreaking isn't it!!

Perhaps this is the cause of the guilt.

In 6 wks time I should be able to have them alone again. Then we can build on the next steps and eventually living together but as a fractured family!

Uncertainties are really not good for the mind! But the end is in sight.

Perseverence over the coming weeks and life can get back to a new kind of normality!! I hope.

[shanrucas]

Hi Misty...sounds like you are getting on with your life. Give yourself time to decompress. It is like you are going through a rebirth sort of speak. You are now on the path to discover who you really are and what you are about. You have been living with someone who had control over you for a very long time so be patient with the healing process.

Is it to soon for another relationship? I would only suggest that you give yourself time to discover who you are. Let yourself become whole again. Don't feel guilty however for wanting companionship though. seeking companionship and friendship is another thing, as long as the person respects your boundries and doesnt push into something you are not ready for.

Good Luck and it is good to hear from you again.

Shannon

[Misty]

Thanks Shannon.

I hope you are doing ok!?

[shanrucas]

Good to hear from you too Misty, I have doing ok. Had a great birthday with friends and spending a relaxing day today doing very little.

I hope you are doing good too.

Shannon

[Misty]

Sat here watching images of people with much harder lives than my own. Yes I'm having a bad day! But is it as bad as theirs? No

Yet I am unable to pull myself out of this! Yes it is all relative. My life is a steaming pile of horse shit! I hate it! I hate that I am apart from my children! I hate that I have no friends. I hate that this has destroyed my happiness!!

I hate myself for feeling like this!!

Does anyone care? Probably not!!

[malign]

Misty,

People care. Everyone has problems; it's not a competition. It makes sense that yours are important to you.

Do you have the expectation of yourself that you should be able to pull yourself out of this, by yourself? I'm guessing those other people you talked about are getting help with their problems. Why do you expect that you should be able to fix everything in your own situation? How does being in pain, no matter what the reason is, make you a bad person?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Misty,

I agree with Malign that we care, we care very much and we are listening.

I don't have to tell you that Bipolar depression is very tough to deal with because the depression is much deeper than the other types. Are you taking medications and have you heard from the hospital as yet?

Allan

[Misty]

Apologies for my negative out pourings.

I am a sponge to emotions, so when surrounded by negativity I suck it all in and have mini meltdown.

I am now feeling better. The end of this hardship with my children is nigh!

We have this day in the UK called red nose day, It's a major fundraising event for people with difficult lives. It was watching this that made me worse.

Since my mini meltdown I have been to visit family and friends back home. Was a worthwhile trip. I've also been for a cuppa with a girl from the bipolar group. Which is great. It reinforces the fact that I am not alone in this.

Whilst my bipolar will be a lifetime battle, I am strong enough to cope.

Feeling a lot more positive knowing that soon I will be able to see my children without restrictions. 7 days to go!

Thanks to those of you that have been supportive. Hope you are all well!!

[Misty]

Well, I am still not allowed unsupervised access to my children. This is set to continue for the next 6 months.

My time with them will be gradually increased and then small unsupervised trips out will be introduced! Although I was extremely upset about this on Tuesday, I have had time to process it and am now determined to get on with life.

So I had my Pdoc appointment and they sent a letter to the social worker, which I have seen with my own eyes! On this letter under diagnosis is says, possible unstable emotional personality disorder or bipolar affective disorder.

Having spent the last hour and a half reading up on personality disorders, I can see why they have this idea. In my appointments and talks in hospital I have given disjointed accounts of my past. These incidents minus the details and positives in between do present as possible symptoms of a personality disorder. However as in all these meetings bar the last one I was not entirely lucid the information was not complete.

So as I now have confidentiality with the Dr's and anything I say will not be passed to social services, the next appointment I am going to go back to the very beginning and explain my whole existence.

I feel this will give them the information to decide that although on first appearences it presents as a PD, my lows and highs are indicative with bipolar!

I have had many ups and downs in life. As has everyone. But my instances of being friendless and outcast have reasons behind them and are not simply my withdrawal, awkwardness and inability to socialise! They need to know everything!

I srtrongly disagree that is a PD and I hope they can see this when I let them inside my head completely!

More on the positives. As it will be a while until the house is sold and I can have my children. I am in the process of making me a life!

My ex has said he is completely over me and would be happy for me to move on. So I am now going out and seeking a new beau!! I have a friend now also. I have met up a few more times with the girl from the bipolar group and we have arranged a night out for next week. Although I will inevitably have to leave it behind, I am going to have a life!

Thank you to all those that have been on this journey with me. hope your are all doing well. Life is for living folks. Seize every oppurtunity, we wont be here forever! XXXXXXX Much love XXXXXXX

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Misty,

What you wrote at the end there is spot on. That is why we must live to our fullest. What does that mean? I believe living to the fullest is to enjoy the daily little thing: that first cup of coffee in the morning, listening to the birds sing, watching the snow fall, etc.

Don't worry about "personality disorder" stuff.

When do you expect to be discharged from the hospital?

Allan

[shanrucas]

Morning Misty.,,well its early morning here any way..I like Allan love what you said at the end..It's interesting because I have been doing the samething and have been taking on the same attitude of living life to its fullest. Like Allan said this can mean just enjoying the simple things, I have been taking breaks on the nice spring days we have here and simply sit outside and watch the birds...which actually was the way I found out why I have peanut shells scattered all over the yard and drive way...now I knew we weren't having peanut storms:eek: but I just couldn't figure out where they were coming from, well some how the Steller Jays and Crows have found a stash of peanuts in the neighborhood and they sit in the trees and crack them open and shells fall to the ground:rolleyes: Mystery solved.

I too am looking at changing things and moving forward the best I can, looking at new job that would solve our finacial troubles and possibly be able to get more caregivers for mom. I have to tryout first so..we will see, I will do what I must to keep us where we are. I glad you are making new friends, thats so good..I too, have good friends and I think that is what keeps me going.

Mom has a set of four antique plaques on her wall...one says "He who has a thousand friends, has not one to spare",,also another one that says "The only way to have friend, is to be one".

Go out and be happy and make the most of it.

Shannon

[Misty]

Thanks guys.

Shannon, I love what your Mums plates have to say! I love to find solace in quotes, so many astoundingly beautiful sentiments out there, that have the power to inspire and move us! Hope you find yourself an enjoyable job and get things with your mother sorted. It's a draining and often thankless task taking care of a loved one, but you are strong and can get through it.

Alan, I am on 400mg of Seroquel XR. I was discharged from hospital in November, have been living in a studio apartment on my own since then. I was disharged far too early and continued to be unwell for a couple of months. I left on 300mg and since it was upped to 400, I feel srtong, capable and stable. I know I had a slight wobble a few times but compared to the downs of the past, this was nothing!!

[shanrucas]

Misty, Im so happy that you seem to have found balance..and I wish the best for you.