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Lost Soul


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This was origninally posted in a different thread but I am reposting it here.

I have often thought of different things to do, but lack the motivation to do them.

I want to be happy, but can't figure out how to make it happen.

I have wanted to end it all but I am unable to because even when I am that depressed I still only think about others. I want to make a change but havn't figured out where to start.

I have wanted to leave, but haven't found the strength to do so.

I feel so trapped. Trapped in my house, trapped in my role, trapped in my body, trapped in who I am.

I need to clean my house, but find better things to do. I want to be a better mom, but have no motivation to do anything more. I want to be a better wife but don't feel it in my heart.

What would happen if I admitted to others the pain I feel. Would they look down on me, would they take away my baby, would they allow me to be alone? Would they admit me in the hospital?

What would happen if I was admitted to a hospital because I am loosing control of who I am. Would I be looked down upon? Would I be considered less of a person. Would I be an incovieniance to my husband who would have to pick up the pieces. Who would take care of my house, who would take care of my life? What sort of inconvience would I instill on the others who live around me, what would they think.

Surprisingly these thoughts which always accompany the negative thoughts have kept me from doing anything stupid, and kept me from falling to low in myself, but at the same time I feel like a failure to myself, because even in my own thoughts I can't put myself first. I just want a way out and I don't know how to do it. When I talk to others about it (my husband) he doesn't know how bad it is sometimes and worries about if I am capable of caring for our son. It is not that I am worried about caring for our son it is weather I feel capable of taking care of myself.

I want to take a vacation alone, but for me to do that I have to figure out when it would work for my husband, who will care for my child, what my hubby will eat, when it works for everyone involved, and how this will influence my husbands ability to work on both the house and at work if he has my son to care for. Plus how it will get paid for and what would be the most convient for all involved. Can't I just leave in the middle of the night and forget all these plans? I am tired!! I am tired of caring for everyone else. I am tired of making all the plans, all the decisions, and yet hearing all the complaints about how nothing is working. I am tired of not being thought of, and being put on the back burner. I am tired of being expected to perform with no notice and no affection before hand. I am just plain tired of life. I need an escape. I feel soo frusturated. I feel like such a failure as a mother and a woman because I am not able to keep this stuff in check and still handle daily life.

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One of my favorite sayings is that you can't possibly fail at being yourself, because obviously, no one else can do a better job of being you.

I do know the urge to just disappear, get away from it all. If you'd like another cliché, it's only yourself you'd be running from, and she'd be going with you ... That's not to say that you don't deserve a respite; just that you might have to learn how to give it to yourself, wherever you happen to be.

Try this: sit down, calmly. Look out the window at a bright sunny day, in your imagination if one isn't conveniently handy. Breathe slowly and deeply, listening to the flow of air in, then out.

Now, ask yourself: if you had lost your soul, where would you look for it? Out there, on vacation somewhere? Or somewhere inside, in your heart, perhaps?

I'm pretty sure she's still in there, and only needs your own love to come back.

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Chatterbox, when I read your post, I began to cry because it so close to home, I recently felt those same worries and concerns...a bit different but yet the same, I don't have a husband or child, but I am constantly wondering what would happen to my mom, who would take care of her...I think of this things when the demons from the dark corners of my mind rear the ugly heads.

But then,,I think of all the things that I have survived and worked for and sit meditate on these things where its nice and quiet, I feel a calm wash over me, and I tell myself "I got this far in life, I can keep goint, my journey is not done".

I think many here have felt and thought these very things, therefore we are not alone. just knowing that there are caring people and people in this community even though I have never met them face to face gives me comfort.


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Thanks for the responses!! Linda you made me cry :eek:

It is just so hard being the center of everyone elses world and not feeling like you are the center of anyone elses. Even my husband forgets what I do. Even today at dinner he was starting in on me that I have an attitude and that my son is picking up on it. I told him to stop and that I wasn't in the mood for it. He knows I have been dealing with all of this stuff that I don't understand, yet he still insists on giving me a hard time about little things. Don't you think that I know that my son sees what I do every day, and that sometimes I cry, and get frusturated with him. I can't be perfect!!!

I have a trip set up to go see my mom up north, and she is very understanding of what I have been through and what I am going through. I actually read her my earlier post, and she just listened. It is so nice to have that some times, and not be demanded on all the time. I know that is part of being a mother, but everyone needs a break. My anti-depressent was also increased today, so hopefully that will help also.

I just want to curl up and sleep my life away, but I can't because I always have an excuse why I can't. I even tried to take a quiet hot bath tonight, and I told my husband that I was planning on doing this, and that he was to watch the baby. Unfortunately when my son tried to climb in the tub with me, I ended up putting him in with me, because my hubby was to busy cleaning up the kitchen (not that I am complaining about that) instead of watching the baby.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, yet it seems like it is happening way to often these days.

Thanks again guys!!

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As a Man who has been a Son, Husband & Father; I just want to let all you Ladies know, Thank You & you are Loved, Wanted & Appreciated even though we may not always show it.

Wish I could write longer Post; but despite my best efforts, it still continues to be lost. Just like me. Anyway I hope this Man's feeling helps in any small way.

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