chatterbox512 Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 This was origninally posted in a different thread but I am reposting it here. I have often thought of different things to do, but lack the motivation to do them. I want to be happy, but can't figure out how to make it happen.I have wanted to end it all but I am unable to because even when I am that depressed I still only think about others. I want to make a change but havn't figured out where to start. I have wanted to leave, but haven't found the strength to do so.I feel so trapped. Trapped in my house, trapped in my role, trapped in my body, trapped in who I am. I need to clean my house, but find better things to do. I want to be a better mom, but have no motivation to do anything more. I want to be a better wife but don't feel it in my heart. What would happen if I admitted to others the pain I feel. Would they look down on me, would they take away my baby, would they allow me to be alone? Would they admit me in the hospital?What would happen if I was admitted to a hospital because I am loosing control of who I am. Would I be looked down upon? Would I be considered less of a person. Would I be an incovieniance to my husband who would have to pick up the pieces. Who would take care of my house, who would take care of my life? What sort of inconvience would I instill on the others who live around me, what would they think.Surprisingly these thoughts which always accompany the negative thoughts have kept me from doing anything stupid, and kept me from falling to low in myself, but at the same time I feel like a failure to myself, because even in my own thoughts I can't put myself first. I just want a way out and I don't know how to do it. When I talk to others about it (my husband) he doesn't know how bad it is sometimes and worries about if I am capable of caring for our son. It is not that I am worried about caring for our son it is weather I feel capable of taking care of myself. I want to take a vacation alone, but for me to do that I have to figure out when it would work for my husband, who will care for my child, what my hubby will eat, when it works for everyone involved, and how this will influence my husbands ability to work on both the house and at work if he has my son to care for. Plus how it will get paid for and what would be the most convient for all involved. Can't I just leave in the middle of the night and forget all these plans? I am tired!! I am tired of caring for everyone else. I am tired of making all the plans, all the decisions, and yet hearing all the complaints about how nothing is working. I am tired of not being thought of, and being put on the back burner. I am tired of being expected to perform with no notice and no affection before hand. I am just plain tired of life. I need an escape. I feel soo frusturated. I feel like such a failure as a mother and a woman because I am not able to keep this stuff in check and still handle daily life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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