how do you deal with self doubt?

[clawz]

I am ruminating a lot. I am having a hard time resisting thinking about my relationship that is ending or has ended. I just need to vent because I am not getting any sleep and now I am alternating between blaming myself, blaming him, thinking I have severe issues and will never be able to love or get back on my feet, find my way. That I lost my chance to be with someone. . . and I know it's not true, basically I'm teetering on the edge of a big immobilizing depression.

I moved back to my parents house and I didn't officially end it, I packed up all my things and left but then he called and said he would do this and that. . . and I told him I would go home for the holidays and if he wanted to talk he could call. He said if I wanted to talk I could call. (push pull game between us) I've pretty much just been ignoring him because I think it's obvious it's over since my stuff is gone and I am just too stressed. I was afraid to shut the door completely and make a decisive statement. He starts saying things like "thank you for all you've brought to my life, i wish you well" and it feels fake, like a jab - I don't want these goodbyes, they hurt, and I'm also afraid of being sucked back in if we talk.

I look back and know he was sort of controlling. He did tell me he had a thing for girls with "problems" and that did seem strange - like I was less than a person and more of a type, the bird with the broken wing. It just got harder because he took me to social events with his family I didn't know and would leave me alone and say "mingle!" and then come back every now and then to check on me . . . so I would drink in nervousness and though I felt like he should stay by me since I didn't know anyone, I wouldn't say anything. if I told him that it would cause a stir. He wanted me to be more social with his family. He had a bad temper and would get irritated with me. There were some scenes and what felt like scolding.

I don't know. He left me this voicemail saying he feels like he is harrassing me, but he thinks he isn't because I said he could call if he wanted to talk. It's all games with us. He wont end the relationship. I don't know if he wants to, he was saying I was free to leave and maybe that was a test, because when I did leave he wanted me to talk to him and told me he didn't want me to go. Ugh.

Really, I was never sure I wanted to be with him and always felt something weird about this relationship. A lot of mind games, a lot of him leading me around. When I talked about maybe going to get counseling, he wasn't supportive. Although he helped me quit drinking initially by going with me to get librium to taper off, he later said he believed I could drink in moderation with him. I wanted to, so I did. I only overdid it once. Maybe his intentions were good, but I think underneath it there was a desire to control. Maybe he has a fear of being left too. His life was certainly not together either and he had problems. It's hard because he said I was the first person he'd ever opened up to like this in a relationship. . . there was this idea it was a very special thing. . . that's hard to shake even when I know better.

I haven't slept but a few hours because I am obsessively going over this trying to "figure it out", and I'm nervous. I feel like a jerk for ignoring him, but I don't want to be in a conversation. I'm already overwhelmed and I struggle with feeling powerless.

The pressure to feel sorry for myself is great. The pressure to feel like I am damaged and messed up and beat up myself is great. I am afraid I am succumbing to it.

It is hard to stand on my own and be strong even in the context of a relationship. I just want love so badly and that in combination with not being secure in my thoughts and decisions is and has been bad news.

I'm not sure if I need meds to stop the obsessive thinking, or if this is something I can deal with myself if I just ride it out and let it pass. I am having a hard time trusting the natural process of things. I have been too dependent on others to make my decisions.

I might be getting free bulimia counseling through a study, I made an appt. Also doing another study to make money to save up. I need to get health insurance before I can do real counseling.

I am tired of feeling adrift but I have said that before - how can I trust myself to do better this time? Maybe life is repeating the same mistakes. I attract these white knights, I let myself be taken advantage of, I give away all of my power. How can I find my power?? How can I be strong? I have a feeling I'll need years of therapy and a practically monastic existence to not be this way. Do people really change anyway? This talk about knowing oneself. . . . as if a self could be a stable thing. . . maybe we're all insecure and "nothing" at the center but some of us are better able to mask that?

This is the sort of thinking that drives me to a halt

How has therapy helped anyone on this board? Has anyone who made a commitment to it and trusted the therapist experienced a change, a new strength?

How do you deal with feeling afraid that they might judge you for your weakness and not see you as a human being?

Do you think it is possible for people to get stuck in self analysis instead of growth - stuck in the insular world of therapies instead of moving on and living life?

Is it possible to grow without therapy, in anyones experience?

Thank you for reading this if you got this far. I hope to see some answers to my last questions. . . it would really help me a lot to hear what others think and have experienced.

[randomperson]

You posted that he has a temper and gets upset at you easily, is he physically abusive?

The reason why I ask is that the things you talk about fall into the beginning traits of an abusive man. The mind games, short temper.. especially being very controlling. Also abusive men go for women "with problems" as they feel they can control them more.

Has he ever thrown things, or hit walls or broke objects when he gets mad?

How long were you in this relationship?

I'm not saying he is as it is impossible to know from what you said, just trying to understand what you are going through more.

We are here for your support

[Athena]

How has therapy helped anyone on this board? Has anyone who made a commitment to it and trusted the therapist experienced a change, a new strength?

How do you deal with feeling afraid that they might judge you for your weakness and not see you as a human being?

Do you think it is possible for people to get stuck in self analysis instead of growth - stuck in the insular world of therapies instead of moving on and living life?

Is it possible to grow without therapy, in anyones experience?

Thank you for reading this if you got this far. I hope to see some answers to my last questions. . . it would really help me a lot to hear what others think and have experienced.

My therapy with my first therapist just felt like a bunch of self analysis and nothing changed. However I knew he'd be temporary so perhaps neither of us really committed to the process. My second therapist floored me. I developed an extremely strong connection with him very early on and I experienced massive change in my relationships with others and my overall mood within a few weeks. He was extremely kind, non-judgmental, wise, a great listener and I trusted him completely. He is still all those things but lately I've been worrying that he has been judging me, or was upset with me. Now I feel I am back to square one and am feeling so down and hopeless. I know that we will work through this next week. I still have faith in him, so I guess that does give me some hope for the future. For me, I don't think any drug in the world would truly help me, knowing my own situation (a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships, depression and growing up very isolated - my own assessment would be Borderline personality disorder). For me, I consider my therapy a form of "Life Support" and I think it is probably the only thing that will help me long term.

[Ralph]

How has therapy helped anyone on this board? Has anyone who made a commitment to it and trusted the therapist experienced a change, a new strength?

How do you deal with feeling afraid that they might judge you for your weakness and not see you as a human being?

Do you think it is possible for people to get stuck in self analysis instead of growth - stuck in the insular world of therapies instead of moving on and living life?

Is it possible to grow without therapy, in anyones experience?

Therapy has helped me identify patterns and given me the view to correct them. The therapist doesn't do anything for me except to point out the gaps between my actions and expectations. This alone is enough to make progress.

I never trust a therapist until they earn my trust. It is a compatibility thing, IMHO; the patient either clicks with the therapist or not. I manage the judgment issue by not revealing too much until I am comfortable with the therapist's level of professionalism. If she has her own issues, then I will not be able to trust, but if she is a professional, then she knows we all have our own problems and weaknesses, and she is trained to deal with psychological issues. Therefore no judgment is expected.

It is both possible to get stuck in therapy and to grow without therapy. In the case of the former, we can get stuck if the patient or therapist is attached to the relationship. I prefer to seek a therapist whose goal is to train me to be my own therapist. Having a goal to accomplish ensures that incremental progress is made in each visit.

I have experienced similar progress to that which I made in therapy also happen by learning a new skill. Unfortunately this might not always work. So much depends on the individual.

[clawz]

For me, I don't think any drug in the world would truly help me, knowing my own situation (a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships, depression and growing up very isolated - my own assessment would be Borderline personality disorder).

Wow. I feel the same way here. No drug will help.

My mood is generally low and I have a bad time with relationships and self destructive behaviors like drinking, drugs, eating disorders, at one time SI. Been in rehab 2 times for alcohol and benzos :eek:

Well anyway. . . thanks for the answers. Ralph I agree it is a compatibility thing, I've had therapists that I do not feel a "click" with. I have a harder time talking with male therapists for example. I also have problems trusting therapists as well. I did have a good therapist (last one), but I felt so needy around her. . . like I was going to fail her by not being able to get better. . . so I just stopped going. I still regret that and it's weird. I am sure she deals with all sorts of troubled people, I am no different. I just grew very attached in such a short period of time to her that I was pretty terrified and wanting to please. . .

I guess I am thinking of therapy again and wanted to see how it has or is helping others. I know trust is a big hurdle to get over when going to talk to someone and that's hard to do - trust another. Thanks.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Clawz,

I am a retired therapist and was in theraph. I always found it extremely helpful. A combination of therapy and medication is the most helpful and there are medications that will help reduce the obessional thinking.

Breaking up is always difficult. There is a natural mourning period accompanied by depression. The combination of not sleeping and loss of the relationship combine to make you feel more depressed at this time.

It is a common problem, after breaking up, to think you will never find anyone again. That will not happen and, in fact, when you are ready, you will find someone who is right for you and with whom you can have a good relationship.

It sounds to me, in my opinion, like you made a good decision in ending this relationship. He seems to play mind games and be emotionally abusive so that you end up confused. Not a good relationship for you or anyone.

While breaking up hurts, it seems to me that it was a good decision.

Allan

[IrmaJean]

How has therapy helped anyone on this board? Has anyone who made a commitment to it and trusted the therapist experienced a change, a new strength?

Yes. Therapy helped me a great deal. Yes, I did experience a lot of change and a new strength.

How do you deal with feeling afraid that they might judge you for your weakness and not see you as a human being?

It is difficult, but this would be something to also discuss with your therapist because these kinds of doubts mean something too. I do think having a good connection with your therapist is the key to having a successful experience. You might consider telling the therapist exactly what you have expressed here. They are trained to not judge you. If you are uncomfortable with the match and things don't seem to be working out, I would continue to search.

Do you think it is possible for people to get stuck in self analysis instead of growth - stuck in the insular world of therapies instead of moving on and living life?

Yes, I think this is possible. I think the journey is very personal for each individual. Each person has different needs in therapy. I do think there comes a time to apply one's new self-knowledge.

Is it possible to grow without therapy, in anyones experience?

I think it's possible. What I think has happened with myself is that I continue to grow even after having left therapy. Therapy was certainly the catalyst for me, but everyone is different.

[Athena]

I did have a good therapist (last one), but I felt so needy around her. . . like I was going to fail her by not being able to get better. . . so I just stopped going. I still regret that and it's weird. I am sure she deals with all sorts of troubled people, I am no different. I just grew very attached in such a short period of time to her that I was pretty terrified and wanting to please. . .

Having a strong attachment early on and then wanting "to please" is similar to my own experience. I think that's when I started to feel judged. My experience is that talking about my problems usually causes everybody to run away so why not my therapist? I figured "spend enough time with me and you'll begin to dislike me". So we talked about this in therapy today because I lost the "connection" with my therapist and it's very powerful so I'm determined to get it back. It may take a few more sessions for him to convince me that he's really not judging me. It's really all in my head, he hasn't acted judgmental in any way.

What do you think about going back to your former therapist and working through all this? She sounds like she may still be a very good fit.

[IrmaJean]

I did have a good therapist (last one), but I felt so needy around her. . . like I was going to fail her by not being able to get better. . . so I just stopped going. I still regret that and it's weird. I am sure she deals with all sorts of troubled people, I am no different. I just grew very attached in such a short period of time to her that I was pretty terrified and wanting to please. . .

I might take the same quote that Athena did, Clawz, and say there is a whole lot you could learn from this. You might ask yourself when you have felt as if you might fail someone at another time in your life? Have you felt the need to please people in your other relationships? Why does this feeling scare you? These are things you might discuss with your therapist in therapy. In therapy you can learn about yourself right within the relationship. What you do in the therapeutic relationship, you more than likely do in your other relationships. I agree with Athena. Maybe you might consider returning to this therapist?