So Tired

[gypsi]

I'm so tired. I slept until 3pm today, my daughter tried to wake me up this morning. She said I was having night mares, yelling in my sleep. I sort of remember, I couldn't wake up. I have been feeling badly for a very long time. Over a year now. I'm almost too tired to write this. i feel so depleted.

I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was 22 years old. I lived with childhood physical and sexual abuse. I got married when i was 16, to an abusive alcoholic, 12 years my senior. I left him when I was 18, and my daughter was a year old. had another child with a man 13 years older than I when I was 20 years old. i left her father when she was nine months old, because he was smoking crack.

I lost my apartment in 2000 becasue my psychotic boyfriend kicked holes in all the walls, and kicked in my door. But, of course, he was always very sorry. So I stayed in a borderline abusive relationship for 13 years, because i thought he loved me, and no one else did.

i was forced to go back to my mother's house when I lost that apartment. My mother chose her boyfriend over me. I was court custody when I was 13, because he was abusing me, both physically, and sexually. When the courts told my mother he had to leave, or I could not go home, she said she wanted him to stay. i do not like my mother. When i spend time with her, I have nightmares.

I live in low income housing with my two children. last year, I lost my job, my psychotic boyfriend fell in love with someone else. i told him to, mind you, because i didn't want to deal with issues anymore, didn't think my children should have to deal with them. When he found someone else, i lost it. Drank a bottle of 100 proof vodka, and took a bottle of anxiety pills. i was in hospital for a week.

I just couldn't stand the thought of him loving someone else. I felt like he was the only one who loved me. I got out of the hospital and started drinking. Well, I didn't start i guess, just continued, more heavily i guess. Ended up in a same sex relationship with a cutter with Borderline Personality disorder. You can imagine how that went.

My daughter turned 18, left my house and quit school. i thought that the only thing I had ever done right was to be a mother. i was a good mother. Or so i thought. My 15 year old is having sex, with boys she isn't even in a relationship with. Of course because she thinks that is how to get them to like her, even though I warned her of this when i found out her friend was having sex. I should have stopped her friendship with that girl, but I didn't. When I found out about her having sex, I drank a bunch of Rum, and I lost my temper. I told her she was a slut, and I didn't want her anymore.

She told me very impolitely where to go, and called me the C word.

We have gotten over this, after going and talking to school counselors.

I feel like I failed. I lost my little girl. My baby. She thinks I'm crazy now for trying to keep her under lock and key, for trying to keep her safe, and I fear she will lie to me every chance she gets.

I want out of all this sooooo badly. I'm tired of life handing me lemons. I HATE lemonade. i cannot end it myself. that would be too selfish. My children, no matter how much they hate me, will have to live with the fact their mother committed suicide.

I am afraid, maybe I'm not afraid, maybe I am hoping that my body is trying to fulfill my wish to die. i am sleeping all the time, I have no energy, my hands are shaking, I feel sick to my stomach, and feel very dizzy. My limbs feel very very heavy, like I have the flu, but i don't think I do. And every half hour or so, I cry. it almost feels like I need to crawl into or out of myself, my muscles cramp up. I'm just sooooooo sad. Someone please tell me what to do

P.S. I have not had a drink in 7 days.

[shanrucas]

Hi Gypsi, It sounds that you have had tremendous amount of trauma in your life without much of a break, I sorry that has happened to you.

You say you were diagnosed with PTSD, and you mentioned anxiety medication, are you getting any therapy of anykind? do you have a doctor that you see?

Also you might look up a support group for adult survivors of sexual abuse near you. You need all the support you can to get through this and there is nothing wrong with that.

We are here for you, there are many wonderful people in this community forum. I know. I still struggle from time to time.

Shannon

"Im learning to fly but ain't got wings, coming down is the hardest thing". -Tom Petty

[Athena]

Gypsi,

You've been through an awful lot. You sound like you love your kids a lot. I'm sure you are a good mother. Teenagers will say ANYTHING to get their way. Stay strong with them, at least the one still living with you. Get her to talk to you. Try listening and understanding her point of view. See what comes out. I wish somebody had taught me the emotional side of having sex. My Mom seemed to think the "talk" only needed to be about contraception. But your daughter needs to trust you before you have that talk I think. She needs to know you are listening to her first.

Sounds like your kids will keep you alive. That's a pretty strong motivator. I feel that way with my own kids.

Is there anybody you can talk to about this? If not, keep talking here on the forum. People here are so warm and giving, and many will understand what you are going through.

I'm no expert on this stuff, I've managed to mess up my life without going through anything like what you've been through. Anyway, those were just some thoughts that came out. Hopefully some of it helps. Know that you are not alone here.

[gypsi]

Thank you, both of you.

I don't have anyone to talk to anymore. PTSD causes concentration problems, and i forget appointments. I have forgotten so many appointments, that my counselor will not make any more for me.

I can't burden my family and friends anymore. When I call them distraught, they feel the need to come and save me, and they all live at least an hour away. I have been on and off of antidepressants for years. Those tend to make me gain weight, which causes more depression, and they have initiated suicidal thoughts. Also, I think that the SSRIs impair my concentration more than usual, I am currently taking Zoloft, was at 100 mg, have brought myself down to 50, trying to go off. They will not prescribe anxiety meds, since I ODd on them.

I am supposed to be writing papers for school, and I cannot. I will fail, and lose my financial aid, and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

I'm lost

[shanrucas]

Gypsi,

I understand the lost feeling, I was diagnosed bipolor and PTSD and yes it does have an affect on my concentration as well..it takes me forever to read a paragraph of anything, I find myself loosing sight of what Im reading what am doing.

Have you tried keeping a journal of some sort? I also have a calendar in almost every room in the house. The moment anything comes up that I have to schedule for I trained myself to make sure it gets put on the calendars and then whenever I walk by them I keep checking. Of course then there's the problem of knowing what day it is.

I don't know what else at this moment to suggest, other than to tell you again that you are not alone and everyone is here to listen to you.

Hang in there, you have strength, you've had to come this far and to have survived the abuse you had to endure in your life.

Shannon

"I'm learning to fly but ain't got wings, coming down is the hardest thing".-Tom Petty

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Gypsi,

In my opinion, it's really important you get into psychotherapy so you can talk to someone because medication, alone will not do it. We are human beings and not just a pile of medicines. I am not sure why you were mssing sessions but I doubt it was because of a lack of concentration. More likely, you felt like you were getting little or nothing from it. You need to find a therapist you can really connect to.

As for you daughters, I know about dealing with them at their age. My wife and I raised two of them. You are not a failure. Its just that they are crazy at that age. There are MRI brain studies that support this. Its a matter of parents gritting their teeth and living through it. My two are adults and doing well.

Allan

[Fox1990]

I really don't know what to say to the majority of what you wrote. I am very sorry you are going through such a terrible time.

I do want to congratulate you on a week of soberness!!! Very, very good job and you have one person here who is proud!

-Fox