Very sexual since a young age.. Like dominance in men.. Lesbian encounters/fantasies.

[fantasy]

(LONG EXPLANATION OF MY EXPERIENCES, SO BE PREPARED AND I WILL APPRECIATE YOUR FEEDBACK A LOT )

Okay, I have been very horny since a very young age, five years old even... It all started with two of my spanish, girl cousins, (I'm female), who are of similiar age, and every year I went over to visit we would go to "play" in their rooms, as the parents were downstairs, and would play such games 'nurse' was a favourite- aka we'd check eachothers private parts, aswell as this game where we'd take it in turns to be like a rapist, and the defenseless victim.. We didn't have proper 'lesbian sex' as some would call it, more on top of clothes grinding... We didn't kiss though, like ever from what I remember :S

I enjoyed being the victim, and from these games starting, I masturbated a lot at home, even in school I'd do it underneath the tables, at sleepovers... And I've never stopped, I do it at least twice a day, usually more though.

I had seen a couple of porn clips from my dad's collection, with my younger brother, that we had found one day too.. Around the age of 9, but this was straight couples and I don't think it effected me. I also remember a time when I was about 6 with my boy cousin of the same age, trying to touch me behind the setee at my grandparent's, but that was obviously nothing compared to the visits to and from my spanish cousin's. Those episodes continued till I was about 11, where the last time we "rubbed", was in my bedroom when she slept over on a summer holiday here in England.

I always felt extremely guilty about this, when we'd come home from Spain, or they'd leave, or straight after the 'playtimes' happened, I'd be ever so worried that my parents would find out, or that I'd even get sent to prison. A child's mind is very adventurous, well mine was... Is. When I was about 9, I had a close friend who was my neighbour, a couple years younger than me, and I once tried to come on to her, I can't remember it very vividly, apart from her top 'n' tailing with me in her bed, and me sort of rubbing against her, but nothing was mentioned afterwards. She is still sort of a distant friend, and I don't think she remembers. I'm eighteen now.

So by the age of 11, I'd had a couple of 'boyfriends' at school, but I had this feeling I were attracted to girls. When my dad got the internet (my parents split up when I was 8) when I was 11, I used to sneak downstairs on the laptop to go on chatrooms, and I'd click the lesbian ones, which started me emailing an "american lesbian" and it excited me very much, speaking of the sexual ways... I considered myself to probably being a full on lesbian, until I again fancied a boy at school and went out with a few at school. I forgot about this "phase" of mine, even though apparently in some classes at school my friends would say I am definately bi, as I were overlyfriendly. I did find that when I masturbated I thought of women as much as men, I still do really... I also enjoy looking at the female form, more than a man's. But I knew I fancy men more, so I wasn't worried, nor did I categorise myself as 'bisexual', I just didn't think about it... I first kissed a boy properly age 12, and foreplay at 14... I used to speak to this man on myspace, he was about 23, and me being 14/15 and he started chatting to me as a friend, but it built up to the point of texting flirtily, sending nude pictures (I'd matured very early), and meeting up in his car, and kissing/foreplay near a field. I found his experience attractive, he was attractive when I think back, and I have always been one to get the lookers, but I remember the excitement of meeting him, and how he dropped me off streets away from my house, feeling very naughty. We didn't continue it, and some could say he 'preyed' on me, and I kinda like that thought. However sick some may presume it to be. I think because of my early feelings of sexual activity, I am way ahead of my age group.

At the age of 14, on a school trip abroad, I was sharing a room with three girls my age around, and one night, we were playing a truth or dare game. I'll get straight to it, it ended up with us all topless and seeing how long we could kiss eachother for. I got a little carried away, and it was noticeable. We didn't speak of it afterwards. Who'd of thought that the teachers seperated the boys and girls because of this reason, didn't work out for them did it Hahaha, and at the age of 15 at a party, I was very drunk, and got with one of my best friends for a boys pleasure. Although secretly mine, besides the fact it was slightly strange because of her being an old friend. But that night I ended up in bed, for the first time, with a boy of 17, that boy's first time was me, although I don't class what happened as sex, he couldn't "get it up", but I suppose being so inexperienced I thought that was sex and let people assume that what we did was that. :S I didn't do anything like that again, until the end of school, still at the age of 15, where I met this 19 year old off the internet, we used to go on webcam everynight, teasing eachother, he lived near me, and he was extremely good looking, and I'd known of friends who'd lusted after him. So we met up, and him being 19 was quite old to me, but his looks charmed me in, also he seemed to be very sweet. But after a couple of meetings he tried to bed me, but it didn't happen as I had to go home early, and he got annoyed about this and showed his true colours. So, I didn't have proper sex... One of my best friends, I was sleeping at her house one night at the age of 15, and I told her I masturbate. She asked me 'how do you do it, show me' but I quickly changed the subject, although I was quite tempted to take advantage of that "offer".....

When I left school, I started at a performing arts college, and noticed a lot of gays and lesbians around, and this attracted me, but I didn't say anything, nor did I act upon the offers around me. I was dating a few boys at the beginning of college, they only lasted up to a few weeks at a time, and nothing more than a kiss or a bit of fondling would come of it, they tried but I felt reluctant and I have been brought up to not be "easy" or slaggish, although I suppose I've been naughtier than what my parents expected of me. That's something else, my parents are pretty overprotective, which is probably why I find sex thrilling and naughtier than most, like a "taboo" subject, as I have never been able to speak of it around my parents/adults.

So at the age of 16, I started speaking to this man online, of 24 yrs, who lived an hour or so away from me, and seemed very 'deviant' like. Actually, lets call him 'deviant man'- I often had fantasies of rough sex, and being 'raped' (I hope that doesn't cause upset, but I can't help my feelings, probably due to my past) and he seemed to match what I wanted sexually. I also had watched a film '9 & 1/2 weeks' and found this very 'me' and had told him, which got us speaking of the subject of dominance etc, and he seemed to have a lot of experience... We met up, went for a drink (the non alcohol kind, I was 16 although he did take me to bars later ) and he seemed quite a lot older than me, the 8 year age gap perhaps- very mature, he is a celebrity bodyguard and I suppose his independance etc attracted me too. But I did like him as a person, he interested me a lot, nice but had this dark side that intrigued me... I'd met noone like him before.

We met up more and more, he took me to bars, came over to my town centre, travelled by train and even one time stopped over in an hotel so he could see me for two days in a row rather than going back on the train and back again, which could be taken as obsessive, or very sweet. He did seem pretty jealous of me talking to others, and he definately wanted a full on relationship with me, which I wasn't ready for. I gave the excuse that his age and the distance was reason I didn't want to continue it, he got very angry about this and we fell out. But before this, we'd gone to church areas to kiss and touch, we didn't have sex, a lot of foreplay kept me happy and him, even that was a big deal to me, still is.

But when he mentioned what he'd like to do to me "strangling, slapping, biting" etc, it was out of my world, I'd never really thought of abusive sex before, hard and controlling indeed, but not violent. It scared me, but also excited me. I didn't know what to think. Also the fact I'd never even properly encounted real sex before, and still classed myself as a 'virgin' may of been down to my little experience apart from what films give you. Devian man and me were over...

(read below comment, continue)

[Waiting]

Hi fantasy,

I don't think you are as abnormal as you think. The thing is people, women especially are disinclined to talk about such things, so you are not likely to hear about such things from others.

[fantasy]

Then I started speaking to this man of 20 years, just four years older than me, but what still seemed quite a lot, he lived in the next village to me and he became my boyfriend of a year and a half, I recently broke up with him three months ago. It didn't take long for us to have sex, we'd not spoke about it much, just went on dates to the cinema etc, and I was pretty nervous about it. It was about a month and a bit till we did it, I wanted to wait longer, so it was "special", but he quite blatently couldn't keep his hands off me. He is a smart man, (lets call him 'smart man') and his broad physique attracted me, I also felt rather respectful towards him, he seemed to know "everything" and often 'taught' me things about the world, and science etc. He's actually going on to do a science degree. Our sex life wasn't anything special, I actually complained to him within the first few months of the relationship, told him that it wasn't what I expected or hoped for, that I didn't get off on it, that it bored me etc. He told me if he didn't love me already so much he would of told me where to go, but he did try for me, to better it, to say/act out things that I'd fantasised about. We never really got round to the rape acts throughout our 18 months, but he did get better, he was quite dominant but just not enough.

I suppose the thrills I got from him was pretending to be asleep, and let him take charge, feeling helpless turned me on. Although I once went over to him when he was "asleep", and took advantage of him. That was quite sexy, for a one off. I often called him daddy too, I liked that... Or "how does my teenage pussy feel" that kinda thing. It turned him on a lot too.

(read below comment, continue)

But we didn't work out, and I'd been speaking to 'deviant man' throughout mine and 'smart mans' relationship, often flirting onliune but then falling out because I wouldn't meet him because I couldn't cheat. And deviant man didn't like that I couldn't give him what he wanted, but I suppose speaking to him for me, was giving me that thing I wanted whilst being loved up with smart man. Smart man could only give me security, but didn't meet my sexual needs. Smart mans excuse was "your too cute to hurt" which is fair enough, and obviously I didn't want him to act, I wanted him to be a deviant in his nature, which he isn't really, so I knew it probably would never get that way, even though the sex was still pretty good... Then in my second year at college, age 17, I met this lesbian 'loud girl' (I knew straight away due to her short haircut and flirty eyes - please don't call me a stereotype, I was right about her anyway) and this propelled me into lusting after her. I was still with smart man, and I even told him about her, I didn't see it as a threat though... But I was wrong, loud girl was after me too, she spoke to me at college a few times, she didn't know I was 'that way' but I think my grins and little flirty digs told her I felt the same way, it was actually pretty sweet how it happened, how we built up to sending love notes and hanging out after college, making our hugs last longer etc... Until I finished Smart man (this was 6 or so months ago) and got with her. Before loud girl I'd been speaking to a girl online, from a blog, who is also a lesbian, and I knew from chats from her I still had the same feelings I had all those years ago for girls. So having this experience in reallife, at the meet of the eye, rather than words, told me that what I'd felt was real. Kissing her, touching her was real. And felt so good.

Me and loud girl didn't happen for very long, college finished and we grew apart due to me letting her down a few times to meet up, I didn't have sex with her, but the one time I went to her house we very nearly did.

After loud girl, I started speaking to deviant man again. We decided to go for it, and meet up again, it being nearly two years since our last encounter. He seemed to like me even more this time round, and we went for a drive, it didn't take him long in his car to get to mine, and we ended up by a field, walking, around 9pm, where he grabbed me and threw me to the ground, where he penetrated me roughly, and slapped me even. I was basically held to the ground... I didn't know what to do, I hadn't expected it, I tried to get up but he just kept forcing my neck down, ripping at my hair... I was somewhere in between excitement and fear, somewhere between 'should I let this happen...' he also didn't use protection, which annoyed me as I kept saying no, but I couldn't get up... (I had a test later on for sti's and came back all clear, thankfully) and when I finally freed myself of him, he stopped for a little because this gun shot went off, but as soon as he noticed I were getting myself rearranged to look at least half decent presentable-wise, he went for me again. I can all in all say it was very good, very saucy infact. Something out of a book, and god, he was obviously experienced. I definately knew that all these couple of years he'd not been all talk. I didn't want it to happen so soon, but the fact we had waited two years, from our last three or four months of seeing eachother and never getting the chance to have sex, well it definately came down in one. He told me that that was "nothing yet", although I went home with a very sore bum... I dated him a couple of times after that, and I actually decided to have a proper go with him, that I'd possibly regret if not... But then I got speaking to smart man again, my long term ex......

[fantasy]

Hi Waiting, yes, please do read the rest I have edited, I had to save the first two paragraphs as my mum needed my laptop, and I couldn't let her see...

[malign]

Hi fantasy,

I understand the need to describe some background as a setting for the issues you came here to address. Could we tone down the details just a wee bit, though?

Keep in mind that we also get people who have actually been raped, and didn't enjoy it.

I guess what I'm wondering is, are you just describing your experiences, or is there something about your life that concerns you?

[fantasy]

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know that we couldn't go into detail, I just wanted to get the message clear... For readers to understand... Well, I haven't wrote everything that is going on in my life yet, relationship wise. I could only write so many words! I do tend to go on, I apologise... I understand there are rape victims on here, and I don't want to offend them, but I was hoping my title 'like dominant men' would put that message out as a warning, as it usually includes acting out rape.

I suppose I want to know why I am into all of this, why things happened etc. Why, with the man I am currently seeing now, (not my ex), who is ten years older than me, why I want him to be nasty to me. I come across ar the total opposite to everyone, maybe this is why I like disturbed things. I even wis that I could of been preyed on earlier than 14, I find women attractive, but I also find the thought of taking advantage of kids attractive. I don't know what is wrong with me.

[malign]

Mmm, I know; it's a fine line.

Not every detail is necessary, though, and we are a widely varied community, as I guess you're seeing.

Is "why" that important, though? I mean, unless it bothers you, does it matter? We're all different ... On the other hand, if there are certain things you're into that you'd rather not be, then it makes sense to wonder, and possibly to seek counseling to help you get into your own head.

And, by the end, you're hinting that you think something's wrong, so maybe it's worth exploring what it is, after all, with a professional who might have some idea.

[fantasy]

I know, I am sorry. I just thought it would be accepted here, to talk about anything. Where there isn't really anywhere else I can.

I don't know what the actual thing is that is getting to me. Which is why I tried to explain about my past, and things I've experienced. It's like I'm also very girly and submissive, but then I have dominant urges too. Like, I think of girls/women and can only imagine me taking advantage of them (which may go back to my childhood), and then men I think of them taking advantage of me. Both thoughts, needs very strong. It is awfully confusing.

The kid thing, I don't know, but I often find myself envying younger people, although not so long back I wanted to be eighteen. Now I am, it is hard to deal with. Responsibilities etc.

But referring back to sexuality, I suppose I like the thought of child sex because of the "taking advantage" I wouldn't say I'm a peadophile. No, I have very young siblings, and I could never hurt a child. I just find the innocent thing very attractive. I suppose because everyone has told me that I am very innocent, which I am in person, but I have all these disturbed thoughts. 'Devian man' who I wrote about, we often spoke about these sort of things, and how we would have a house and bring back girls and punish them etc. It was more his thing than mine, but more so lately it has got to me.

Arrrrrrr. :confused:

Yes I can seek help, but I want advice from here first, unless this doesn't work. I just need to advice. x

[fantasy]

The child thing, I must add, is preferably in girls. Which probably is due to what happened between me and my cousins at a very young age.

When I think of males, I think of masculinity, MEN.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Fantasy,

I have a question for you that is based on your sexual urges from a very young age. I am not referring to lesbianism or anything else other than your very early sexual experiences. Here is the question: Were ever molested when you were a young child, either by a family member or some other adult? The types of things you are describing often (but not always) happen to people who were molested at an early age. In other words, were you sexually abused by some adult or other?

Do you ever feel very depressed, suicidal, anxious, extremely and overtly angry? Do you drink a lot or use alcohol a lot?

I'm asking because, along with the sexuality they could indicate early sexual abuse.

Do you feel OK answering these question. You do not have to answer if you are uncomfortable.

By the way, I agree with Malign about getting psychotherapy for yourself.

[fantasy]

Referring back to my early childhood sexual experiences, I was only ever molested by my cousins. But they are around the same age, so wasn't exactly in charge... Although when I think back I remember feeling sort of interrigated, like it was their plan, and I was quite often the victim, although I enjoyed being the "nurse" or "predator man" too.

I always wonder to myself how my cousins feel, more so, do they remember? It happened for about five years, the feeling of guilt, that secret from our parents. My cousins whenever they visit, do not mention it and seem "normal" actually they are what some would call goodytwoshoes. I don't even think they've kissed a boy, although seem to be attracted to them.

I am not depressed, I find myself feeling stressed but over late life issues, not to do with my sexuality really. I am a pretty bubbly type of person, cheerful and friendly, noone would ever guess... I am always feeling frustrated sexually, even though I have been brought up in a "no sex talk" way. I am not religious, nor my parents, but they have always tried to set ny mind against boys etc. I was always the one who wasn't allowed to the mixed gender sleepover party through school.

I suppose I get anxious a lot, and very nervous, about all kinds of things. To the point of where I put my hand in front of me so noone can see me when I get shy. I also have a uncontrollable nervous laugh, which I fear will get me hit one day.

You would really consider psychotherapy? I have never experienced one, but have always wanted someone to confide in. A lot of issues personally I have... I can act like nothing happened and careless, but I know that isn't the best way.

Thanks for you advice, it is appreciated x

[Darkness]

I wouldn't say that there is anything 'wrong' with you.

As for Deviant man, just my two cents, and I read everything you posted here, it sounds like this man is 'experianced' by what you desribed of him, and by that I mean he may very well not be safe to be around, at least, for those not willing.