sexual abuse and battery [triggering]

[Darkness]

Hi, I am 19, and I'm a guy. I was sexually taken advantage of by my older brother about 10 years ago, several times.

Well, recently I have been struggling with constant thoughts of what happened all those years ago as well as more recently. OK, so years ago, he took advantage of me. While my mom contends that it was 'experimentation' or whatever, I feel that it has effected me. A couple of days ago she said that it sounds like I made it bigger than it was recently by focusing alot on it. I told her about it maybe 2 or 3 years ago. I'm 19 now, my older brother is 21 now, and it happened about 10 years ago. At the time it happened he also got in trouble, as well as a bit later into Jr high for sexual harrasment of girls. It went on the 'expermentation' for at least a year. Oh God I hate myself.

Anyway, also recently, last spring, he was staying for a month, and we got into a verbal argument. After I told him that he could leave several times, I finnaly told him to 'get out!' and pointed at my front door. He then beat me up in two different instantances, and in the second I reached for a weapon to defend myself, and the cops were called.

Later I relayed the reasons behind my fear of my brother to my lawyer. My brother has been ultra aggresive in the past, he has a brain injury in his frontal lobe from when he was in the third grade, he has been physically viloent, he's beaten me before, but I often do not have brusies (I tended to block in a way that abosrbed them). He was also once almost kicked out of college for attacking a room mate, and when he couldn't live with us anymore when he was 16, he had to leave because he became physical with my mom. He then went to live with our dad.

My older brother is a bully, he be littles me, talks behind my back, and is just nasty. I feel this is how he deals with what he did to me all those years ago. I have a status hearing on my dismissal on the 5th of Jan for "domestic battery" (although my lawyer said if it did come to it, self defense would most likely win, and at worse, I could feasibly be convicted of assualt).

Also from that incident I can't stay home alone with my two younger siblings unless it is just my younger brother.

When I aruge with my mom that it's nonense that my counsolur came up with this 'safety plan', I have to go out and town and stay away from home for hours when my mom works, or go to my dads every other weekend. When I was attacked then, I tried to find her, but she wan't home. So I guess that is why this bull has to happen.

At this point the shame, the guilt, the hatred, but mostly the anger and RAGE consume my thoughts almost everyday when I think of what he did to me. And when I think of when I was attacked and the position this puts me in, as well as many other positions I am currently in, the source of this rage is how helpless I am. Brothers are supposed to look out for each other, not do what he did. I want him out of my life and my family's life, but my younger brother still likes to hang with him.

I dunno what to do with all this stress, I can't stop thinking about it in the last few months.

-Darkness

[Darkness]

Actually I don't know how much I wanna talk about this all of sudden

[randomperson]

I can relate to abuse and feelings of betrayal but not to the extent you talk of.

I feel for you because he is family it puts you in a tough position. Your mother should be more supportive. Seems like she is trying to 'keep the family together'. My mother did the same when I stood up to my step father after he beat her one day and I saw her crawling outside trying to get away. It hurt me deeply and years later I had a heart to heart talk with her and got a lot of peace from it.

I can't offer much advice as it sounds like what you are going through is very complicated but I did want you to know we are here if you need to talk it out.

We are listening and do care.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Darkness,

It is good that you want to talk about the abuse. Here, you can talk about it all you want and we will listen. Many here were sexually abused during childhood and into adulthood.

Is there any way you can move out of that house. Is there a family member who would take you in or, is there a friend who's family would take you in? Have you thought of going to the police?

Wow, you have been through a lot and at such a young age. We are here for you.

Allan

[spiritual_emergency]

Darkness: At this point the shame, the guilt, the hatred, but mostly the anger and RAGE consume my thoughts almost everyday when I think of what he did to me. And when I think of when I was attacked and the position this puts me in, as well as many other positions I am currently in, the source of this rage is how helpless I am. Brothers are supposed to look out for each other, not do what he did.

Hello Darkness,

Isn't it odd how people blame themselves? Logically, we can know and you surely know too that it shouldn't be your burden to feel guilty, it shouldn't be your burden to feel shame... and yet, you do.

This can be very difficult to deal with -- these ways we might feel about ourselves in the aftermath of something that was done to us or happened and we were powerless to stop. When I was working through some of my own feelings about some of the things I experienced in my life I found it helpful to sort of touch in to the painful places and then, take a step back. Then, when you're up to it again, you step in once more and you touch that pain, and then, step back once more.

It's in this slow dance of back and forth that we learn to make friends with the parts of ourselves that have been hurt. We slowly come to understand and accept that denying that hurt or hurting ourselves for hurting is counterproductive -- we have to learn to become gentle with ourselves.

A person might have to do this many times over and hopefully, somewhere in those moments when you lean in and touch that pain, some compassion will grow -- for yourself. You might start to get comfortable with the idea that there is no shame in hurting even if there's anger over how and why you were hurt. There is also no shame in being vulnerable, it's part of what human beings are. All of that will be learning to take care of and heal yourself. It takes time and it requires a gentle touch. Try to remember that if you find yourself feeling harshly toward yourself.

Later, you might find yourself going through a similar process in regard to other people you have significant relationships with. Eventually, you'll find some means of forging your own truce with those events. That might mean you'll stay angry, it might mean you won't have a relationship with the brother who hurt you, or maybe you will. We can't know from here. That part evolves as it evolves. You'll make your own best choices along the way.

Meantime, yes, there may be times that there is rage, tears, feelings of being utterly alone and marked for life. When you get to feeling that way it may be helpful to know that's part of the larger process of healing. Many people have felt the same at the beginning of their own healing journeys, and that's what you've started to do too -- heal.

~ Namaste

[Guest]

How would that apply to self hate over the issue? How can you forgive yourself, and be compassionate toward yourself if you know it was your fault?

[spiritual_emergency]

sedsed: How can you forgive yourself, and be compassionate toward yourself if you know it was your fault?

Would you be compassionate toward someone who made a mistake in their life and was deeply regreting it? If so, then why wouldn't you be capable of extending that same compassion to yourself?

... In order to have compassion for others, we have to have compassion for ourselves.

In particular, to care about other people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean —you name it— to have compassion and to care for these people, means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves. In fact, one's whole attitude toward pain can change. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, one could open one's heart and allow oneself to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make us far more loving and kind.

The tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering —ours and that which is all around us— everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter how cruel or cold we might seem

to be.

We begin the practice by taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and who we wish to help. For instance, if you know of a child who is being hurt, you breathe in the wish to take away all the pain and fear of that child. Then, as you breathe out, you send the child happiness, joy or whatever would relieve their pain. This is the core of the practice: breathing in other's pain so they can be well and have more space to relax and open, and breathing out, sending them relaxation or whatever you feel would bring them relief and happiness.

... Rather than beating yourself up, use your own stuckness as a stepping stone to understanding what people are up against all over the world.

Breathe in for all of us and breathe out for all of us...

Source: The Practice of Tonglen

[malign]

Another question I would raise is, under what circumstances is the recipient of abuse responsible for the abuse?

I can't think of any, myself. It's called "abuse" because it shouldn't happen.

Blaming oneself is a bit like a mugging victim saying that it was their fault because they shouldn't have gone down that dark street. When in fact, we should all have the right to go wherever we want without being robbed.

It's the other person who did something wrong. Even if in some universe a different set of actions by the recipient might have changed the outcome, the abuser was still wrong. Maybe then he would have abused someone else instead, or maybe something worse would have happened to the recipient, if they chose a different path.

We can't really spend much of our lives pondering "what ifs"; there just isn't time. About all we can do is forgive (even if it's ourselves we have to forgive) and move on.

[spiritual_emergency]

Where there is no fault, there is no responsibility. Without responsibility, there is no power to take action.

As a child, my "fault" lay in my inability to protect myself. As an adult, I take on the ability to respond by effectively protecting myself. I also take on the ability to grieve, to feel the loss of that child, to feel the pain of others, to try not to harm, to make peace with the past. I have learned from my "fault". I was not powerful then but I am now.

[Darkness]

Hi Darkness,

It is good that you want to talk about the abuse. Here, you can talk about it all you want and we will listen. Many here were sexually abused during childhood and into adulthood.

Is there any way you can move out of that house. Is there a family member who would take you in or, is there a friend who's family would take you in? Have you thought of going to the police?

Wow, you have been through a lot and at such a young age. We are here for you.

Allan

OK I hadn't read the other posts yet put I think I should address this one first.

I wouldn't go to the police, and I really do not need to. My older brother has not lived with me for many years, and he only stayed a month and that was a year ago. He lives alone in his own apartment, and I still live with my mom and my little brother and sister while I finish highschool.

At this point, I do not need somewhere to go. I have medical and physical needs met. The only reason I got to go when my mom works (which is every other weekend) is because my consolur made a "safety plan" and my ex step-dad doesn't want me home alone with my little sister after I got arrested for the incident where my older brother attacked me and I tried to defend myself with a weapon.

It isn't an issue of me being in danger that I post here, as I am in no danger, it is more the emotional termoil that brought up the past. Ever since I got the letter for my status hearing on the dismissal of my charge, it's been on my mind so much, every day.

If anything, at least when I go to court I will know I get to offically hear that since my dismissal time is over the charge will be dropped.

@ some of the other ppl

As far as self-hatred, it is a form of guilt perhaps. I've been prone to being mad at myself before after I really screw up and cause alot of problems, in paticular two big events where that emotion followed afterwards comes to mind.

I really don't hate myself as much as I have in the past before, I kind of used that off hand here. But I do blame myself, I kind of knew it was wrong, and I hate that I did it. As hard as it is to say it, I initated more than once, several times after it started.

--------

edit: I have now read everyone's posts on here.

[Darkness]

Are you guys still here?

I tried to talk to my mom some about it but she's pretty tired of hearing about it or what not.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Darkness,

Yes, I'm still here.

I don't know why you would still want this brother in your life. I wouldn't.

Your rage is very understandable and is what happens to all people after what you went through. Do you really feel safe at your mom's house? I find that difficult to grasp regardless of where he lives.

Also, I think it terrible that your mother seems to lack empathy for your situation. She's tired of listening? That is horrible.

I fully agree with your counselor wanting you to have a safety plan.

Correction: I misread, I thought you said you do want to talk about this when you do not. Sorry. You need to talk about this and as much as you can. You can talk here. It helps to talk.

Listen to what the others said: It amazing how we blame outselves after we are abused. Its true but its not a good thing. The blame needs goes to the abuser, not the abused

Allan

[randomperson]

It sounds like your mother is in denial. Just ignoring all that has happened and wanting everything to be ok. I'm sorry I know that is difficult to face emotionally especially when you are trying to resolve all of this in your own mind.

[Darkness]

sorry for being gone so long.

anyway, yes, i feel physically safe in my house, my brother isnt going to blitz in my house and kill me or something, he doesnt even have a car and lives miles away.

When I said I kind of didnt want to talk about it i felt bad when I admitted all that happened, but i have actually talked to my brother about what happened some. i think its possible for some kind of ammends to eventually be made to a small degree.

As for as my consoular's "safety plan", its to cover his own ass. He told me specifcally he didnt know what happened when I was attacked, and he basically made me not able to stay home alone when my sister was here. I can stay with my younger brother, but the reasoning is that my consolur thinks that I am a potential danger, or that is my understanding.

I'm NOT a monster, I am NOT an antagonizer, I am NOT a bully, I am NOT an asshole, I am NOT a violent person. I yell alot, but I have always been all bark and no bite, I havn't ever hit anyone.

I'm tired of being treated like I am some freak, some inhuman piece of flesh that is percieved as a physcopathic walking time-bomb.

I'm tired of it, and I actually do have to leave later today because of this stupidity.

Ok, so here is what I see with it; a man attacks me, and ONLY because, and ONLY because I tried to defend myself, I must deal with this 'safety plan'. it was purely made because of that inciddent. I have went through the statements numerous times, talked to my lawyer, asked family, talked to the investigator my lawyer hired, they all say it was blatant self defense, but my doctor can't see that, even when I offer him with PROOF.

note: sorry for my bad typing, I got a new laptop today and its strange with the new keyboard being different from a standard desktop one.