not sure what to do

[uusername]

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[Athena]

We fight all of the time, over the littlest things. Most of the time, I am upset by how he talks to me or treats me, and I tell him and he tells me he is not being mean or that what he did was rational, but he can never talk calmly. He gets frustrated very very easily, even when I am not interacting with him.

...he is constantly telling me i'm doing something wrong, and whenever I try to talk about something I like or know, he tells me I am wrong, even when I prove I am right. I find myself always trying to convince him I'm right because he tells me I'm wrong about every thing.

It sounds to me like he has an anger problem. He also sounds emotionally abusive. Unfortunately, he sounds a lot like my ex, who turned out to be a disaster. I would try telling him how you feel about his outbursts and how it makes you feel to be put down all the time. If you think he could benefit from anger management therapy, you may suggest that. You could also try couples counselling - that may a little less intimidating for him and you will find out what his issues with you are as well. I think his reaction to these discussions could be very telling. You have to be able to communicate openly or the relationship will not be a good one long term.

It is not worth sticking around with someone who is going to suck the life out of you. I don't think you mentioned if you are working. I think it's really important to be self sufficient, so you don't get stuck in bad situations just because of money.

Hopefully some of this helps.

[uusername]

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[JaneE]

First of all, please get this book asap! The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans. Try to get a newer edition, as there are some important differences, I think she edits them as new editions come out.

Even if your boyfriend isn't "obviously" verbally cruel to you (ie name-calling) it sounds like he has certain glaring traits.

I have the same issue, and that book helped me enormously. I was in my verbally abusive relationship for 10 years... well I'm still in it...

Your situation really reminds me of myself. I have a fragmented unavailable family. I had money, but I no longer do.

The main difference I see between yourself and myself is I had a baby (too soon!). I couldn't cope alone, so I stayed. If only I'd had the strength of character to curtail his abuse of my early on! Of course who knows what might have happened, but maybe there would have been a chance that my son didn't grow up hearing daddy call mommy the "c-word" every time he felt like it, and similar.

I know it's tough for you financially, but you've got to get this guy fixed, if it's possible. If he's unwilling or unable to change you MUST GET OUT. Relationships are NOT supposed to be like this.

In ten years' time you could end up like me, with your boyfriend trying to make YOU out as the abusive one. You'll have no friends, your family will have abandoned you, and you'll feel as if you're disintegrating as a person. I go around in a fog feeling like I have Alzheimer's. I can't remember from moment to moment what I just did half the time.

Whatever you do, DON'T have a baby with this guy. ^^;;

Sorry to sound so strident, but this problem is serious, and you've got to address it or you'll never have anything. You're young now so you don't think you need anything, maybe... or you vaguely hope things will be okay "someday". It doesn't happen like that though, take it from someone 15-20 years older.

Good luck with your situation, take the bull by the horns now, or it will get YOU later!

Jane

[clawz]

My ex and I had almost the same sort of fights. We would be working on a project together around the house, like say, taping up the windows with plastic to keep out cold winter air. If I did one thing he didn't specifically ask me to do (like with you closing the door, I would tape a section of plastic he didn't ask me to) he would blow up, throw something down and storm out the room saying "I can't do this anymore."

I was left feeling like crap. Like I did something wrong, like it was my fault. In reality he had an intense need to control every situation and always be right and I could even see how he acted this way around other people - his friends. He always knew the best way to do something, and if anyone else (me included) had a suggestion that differed, he became inconsolable in his frustration. He tended to be closest to gentle personalities - like me - and people who would tolerate his outbursts and probably just blame themselves and go along with whatever he wanted.

The fact of it is. . . it's only going to get worse. Trust me. I pointed out to my ex how he acted and how it was tearing apart my love for him. He would acknowledge his temper but then point out something I did. My self esteem is still kinda shaky but it was hitting rock bottom with him.

It's so hard to be in those situations as a person who truly cares and examines their own behavior. We listen to what our loved ones say and try to change but they don't do the same.

I left him, and then I came back to him. I rationalized that he never hit me, or called me names, or directly insulted me, it was just his temper tantrums that left me emotionally drained and at times devastated. So it wasn't that bad, huh?

Wrong. Resentment builds. And who is to say that it wouldn't turn into name calling once he realized I would take his crap?

It gets worse. When he gets mad he hangs up on me on the phone and I've done nothing to him, just asked him if everything is ok because he is getting short with me saying "whatever we'll talk tomorrow". He doesn't answer until I leave him a voice mail saying I can't do it anymore, then he calls back and apologizes saying he's treated everyone like crap today because he is stressed. Ok. So round 2, and he does the same thing again.

Listen: A guy like this will continue to take his frustration out on you.

You will be his punching bag because you are the nearest and dearest, and therefore more likely to take his crap. There's nothing you can do to stop it. He might say he understands his temper is bad, that he treats people badly when under stress, but you have to understand that he is selfish and a control freak. He cares that he hurts you, but he doesn't care enough to make a major commitment to change.

That isn't the kind of person anyone deserves to be with!

Lucky for me my parents offered to take me in when I left my boyfriend. I see you can't do the same. Maybe there are other options out there for you though. You'd have to explain your situation more. I was broke and jobless and moved to a new city with my ex, but I was lucky to be able to get out.

Look around, ask friends, see if there are room shares you can do, etc. Emotional pain is just as bad as physical pain. You deserve a lot more out of life and love than this. Who cares if his family loves you? You aren't trying to make a future with them. Other families will love you too. Let them deal with their son and his messed up temper, selfishness, etc. Maybe they'll love you enough that they'll understand why you couldn't stay with him. If not, they're just enablers and contributed to their sons crappy behavior.

Good luck to you, but in my experience with men like this - no. There is no working it out, unless working it out means accepting misery and having all of his frustration heaped onto you and being expected to not feel resentful and hurt over it. Get out any way you can, but just get out. The longer you stay the more pain builds up and the harder it is to go.

Good luck.

[malign]

We'll miss you, u.

I hope you're safe.