need a hug :(

[danni]

What a day. I had to help a client through the aftermath of a sexual assault because the person this person sees was gone and this person asked if I was available in his place. Inside I'm screaming NOOOOOOOO but, of course, I had to fill in.

I know this will come off as whining and I feel bad even thinking it much less writing it but it had a huge emotional toll on me as well. I got through the day and did the process needed today with this person. But...I can't help but think of the road ahead. This never gets easier, especially when my own stuff is on my mind so much lately.

so....tonight....I am shaking. My heart is heavy and tomorrow I go back to face another day.

OK....I'll stop complaining now. I feel selfish thinking about myself in the midst of such trauma for someone but....my heart hurts too.

[Sweetsara]

{{hug}} It's not selfish you're simply human. We try not to but sometimes we can't help but pick at the scabs. Sometimes we just trip and boom wound reopened but it's all part of being human.

{{hug}}

Thought maybe you could use a second one.

[Luna-]

{{{danni}}}

It doesn't sound like whining, it sounds like you got majorly triggered. Well, done for getting through it today ...

Really though, it sounds as if the time is coming that you will need to talk with someone about this stuff. It must take tremendous amounts of your energy to keep it all back and it's energy you'd have to put towards other things. And periodically it breaks through anyway. You deserve the chance to let this out and have a listening ear who can bear witness. You need to be heard. You took the first step here, now the next step ...?

[Lindamomof7]

..................

[finding my way]

(((((( hugs )))))) danni!!!!!

Do you get any time off for the holidays? Can you plan something to look forward to that is just for you?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi danni,

So, what's wrong with whining sometimes? We all need to whine sometimes. Its a call for a hug, so, along with everyone else, I'm sending you a major and giant HUG!!!!!!!!!

Allan:)

[IrmaJean]

And here I am, going on to you about little stuff again with all of this going on.

It is not selfish to consider yourself. It is not selfish to have feelings around this. It is not selfish to ask for support.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/Bether6074/hugs.gif

I'm sorry this is so hard for you! I hope you find someone to talk to soon.

((((((Danni))))))

[danni]

thanks everyone!!!! Stuff like this is sooooooooo heartbreaking!! This person has had such a hard life already and then this had to happen. Life can be so unfair. It's times like this when I feel even more inadequate. But when I think about it....there isn't anything that could be done that can make this better. I can go to the hospital with this person, help this person find a safe place to stay, but I cannot change the circumstances.

Why was it again that I thought I should go into social work? I'm forgetting at the moment!! I'm questioning how I got into the program in the first place!! I guess the SW dept at my university doesn't set standards very high for their undergrad or their grad program!!!!! Idiots!! Good thing I don't see clients anymore!!!

I'm trying to stuff the tears that are hanging out near the surface back where they came from. Even that is a battle today. DAmn....I've got to get this autopilot back on. At least I can function with that on!! I've gotten a whole lot of nothing done today. I feel paralyzed and I can't think so I'm rambling to you guys.... Sorry bout that...feel free to ignore.

[IrmaJean]

I'm questioning how I got into the program in the first place!! I guess the SW dept at my university doesn't set standards very high for their undergrad or their grad program!!!!! Idiots!! Good thing I don't see clients anymore!!!

Please don't beat yourself up anymore. That just adds more pain to an already painful situation. This is one thing you can control.

You know, these horrible things would be happening whether you were there or whether you weren't. Terrible things happen sometimes... The fact that a caring person is by a hurting person's side, probably makes a very real difference.

I am very sorry this hurts so much. Is there a shoulder there for you to cry on? Any support?

Please please be gentle with yourself.

[Lindamomof7]

..............

[chatterbox512]

Danni,

I am a social worker also. But I found through my intership with a CPS unit that I was and am not strong enough to handle being on the front lines and not let the issues get to me. Until I did learn this, I thought this was the perfect job for me because of my experience as a client of CPS. So I give you a pat on the back and a major hug for sticking with it, even knowing that occasionally things may be triggers for you.

But just remember that the people who are social workers became such for a reason. Just because you are having a difficult time right now, doesn't mean that the others you work with couldn't help, they have probrably been there at some point. Many of them are probrably dealing within themselves with trauma of their own.

Stick with it, and I agree, it may be time to talk to someone not only about what is triggered but also why they are triggered and how to handle it when it happens. YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON!! HANG IN THERE.

[IrmaJean]

Why was it again that I thought I should go into social work?

I've seen you throw this question out there several times now. Maybe you could take some time thinking about this and try to reconnect with and understand the reasons why. I have no doubt that you are a good therapist. You've helped me a number of times.

I've been thinking more about the sarcastic comments. I know you've mentioned that it is in part venting frustration at yourself. Might it also be a way of minimizing or pushing away your pain? Maybe now is the time to take care of yourself. As difficult as it is for you to consider, you deserve tender, loving care too.

I hope you are feeling better tonight.

[danni]

Yeah beth....it's partly frustration and partly minimizing. I've just hit my last straw. The discrimination/harassment complaint we filed (I say we because five other department directors have joined in) has me really on edge and I can't even describe how subtle retaliation and passive aggressive behavior can be. My boss is visibly really mad at all of us.

Chatterbox....yes there are people who understand where I work. But, the people who do it day to day are the people I supervise so it's not really appropriate to talk with them and the other department directors are just as upset/burnt out/on edge as I am. It's a pretty toxic atmosphere internally where I work. It's so weird because the work we do with our clients I believe is really good but we can't seem to treat each other with the same kind of empathy/care.

Overall, the whole package has really made my self esteem take a hit. To the point where I felt compelled to give up doing direct therapy with clients and that was the one piece of my job that I really liked!! I'm OK with supervision and administration but I'll admit I really do miss seeing clients.

I ended up leaving a couple of hours early today because I was really hitting system overload. I went home and the pup wanted to play "snuggle puppy" That game can be so good for the spirits!!

PS chatterbox....I did one of my internships in child protection and God Bless those who can stay in the game. That has got to be one of the hardest aspects of social work there is!!!!!

[finding my way]

Well I sure hope you get a break soon, danni!!! It's amazing you have stuck it out with so much going on... I hope you can build a little more onto your dream of equine therapy. They have that here and our special ed kids absolutely love it!!!!