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Does anybody think that a virgin would be able to pressure someone to do sexual stuff for you even first night when never met before? Even we were to get married, I find it hard a virgin would be able to do this.

I dont get peace not knowing what to think.

Dr.Sam Vaknin`s list how to spot an abuser contains marry quickly and pressure you for instant intimacy. He said take care to me, didnt say to me he "is" an abuser, but showed me the list as in his list he´s an abuser. So I do know it is abusive of course to pressure someone, but I am unsure did he do it because he was virgin. He didnt pressure me to sex, but he kinda pressured me to do something sexual for him even I said to wait and saying no 5 times.

I need to know can a virgin really pressure someone like this? and lets say he´s a virgin which I believe he is and further I think that if he´s an abuser it is "very sure" that a virgin can do this. But then again if he´s an abuser he probably wouldnt be a virgin.

I would appreciate opinions can virgins really do this without being an abuser?

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi sadgreeneyes,

It seems to me that anyone who refuses to take NO for an answer is a potential abuser because they do not seem to understand limits. However, it is always important to use intuition in these circumstances. For instance, if you are asking this question, there is a good chance that you are sensing or intuiting an abuser. Alway listen to your instincts, always listen to your "inner voice?

I would appreciate the opinions of others and would like to know your reaction to what I have written.


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Hi Allan,

I know I have wrote much here, some examples/things about my husband,I hope it can be taken time to read through and thank you for replying, you are right I must try to use my intuition and I "do" have thoughts could he be an abuser as I know this is a red flag, its just that I have seen an abusive tactic too, like gaslighting,but not sure if this incident really was that he thought otherwise even we had agreed the same, thing is that I clearly remember he said it with own words how we agreed, suddenly when I´m back in my country he tried to make me think otherwise saying that he had not said that.

One time he asked if he could wake me up during night to have intercourse Later when I asked him about this he said he couldnt do that and he just said it to hear what I said and to try it one time. I find that little odd too as why wonder if for no reason.

I know I am attracted to abusive men, but I dont want an abusive man, I just want a man who really loves me but who still is kinda like the one I´m attracted too.

There has been so many odd things about him that I´m not sure anymore is it my mind that is worrying too much. My husband say I worry too much. I only know my spirit doesnt feel nourished, but rather diminished. But it steams mainly from what happen down there.Beside this he is a very nice man, but all abusers are nice if they need too.

I would really like to know could a virgin really do this without being an absuer, I find it surprising if so is. As you say Allan, people who take no for an answer usually are abusive, even I didnt say no very decided, was hesitating..said we had to wait, to me that is the same as to say no,but he didnt listen just continued saying yes you can do it, yes you can several times. Before this happened I tried to hide under my dune as I was shy, when we sat on the bed he didnt care I was shy even I said so, when I tried to take the dune to cover me and to take "down again" my nightdress as he wanted it up, he waved little with his hands saying "away with your hands( mine)" and looked at me while wrinkling his forehead/eyes, kinda saying annoyed "dont do that". I remember my first thought was "is he an abuser" as my chest got this feeling you feel when you in the end get scared saying or doing what you want in case you will anger him more.

This is why I find it so strange he had such performance anxiety, but I know its two different things what he made me do and for him to perform. But I can still swear I saw a face of a man who found it amusing to see me upset after he said he doesnt want to make love to me, sometimes I get a feeling he said it with purpose to hurt me.

Not long ago he sent me a pic and he know how important it is for me that we keep our wedding ring on, as I did let him know in Jordan that maybe he will take off his ring when I go, he promised not too. Ok,so in all these months he sends some pics and he points out the pic saying : do you see the pic where I sit with my hands on my knees and holding the umbrella?, I said yes and didnt think more about it, next day I wanted to see did he wear his ring, he didnt wear the ring. Its nearly like he wanted me to see it, but he say no. He also apologized for having forgot it on the sink that morning. Saying he didnt think about he didnt wear his ring. Thing is it was a real coincidence to forget the ring exactly the day he take the pics and even point it out to me. He said he hasnt forgot the ring several times. So when I lost control he said it was a mistake sending me that pic.

I´m not sure is this all in my head, but my gut say he sets me up. This would be a very usual thing if he´s an abuser as they love to set you up and see you lose control. But it might/probably be me who are just too paranoid as I know I have difficulties trusting a man.

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