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Why does he say this?


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Again me and my husband was discussing "the kiss me hold me" stuff and the "passion affection" stuff,the passion and affection he had problems showing me after we got married, as he was virgin.

After we started get tired talking about this he said let us make this happen naturally, I agreed again as maybe I nag too much and that my nagging will cause him more stress and maybe he will be turned off in the end. I had also asked him would he promise to me, don`t remember quite what words I said to him...what to make him promise...but it was about promise he wants what I want..I think I said some of the words passion and things...when we ended the discussion about this he said again "let us make this happen naturally with no promise".

Why would he say this to me? It made me confused and hurt.

When I told him...that without any foreplay at all...to just get it over with us both and then leave to go shower, that was not love making but sex and that its two different things. Then he said so what do you want me to do? I said about foreplay and I am not sure did he like hearing about it. I just dont get it, he said how I would lay on his arm before I did go see him and for hours, and when I came he wouldnt let me even I asked him 5 times. He said he didnt know how to hold me, said he didnt know about this even he said he knew before I went see him. So what is wrong? as I know he is lying about this. And this shouldnt hurt? when I say I feel hurt or that he is hurting me being so negative, he say no I´m not hurting you or he say dont feel that way or he say I feel wrong. I dont know why he say this, but it may be he means I am wrong even I feel it other way.

Later he said I have to know what he likes and that he has to know what I like. This is true of course, but how come a virgin say I have to know what he likes??? I also wonder "what does he like/want" when he doesnt seem to want the intimacy but pressuring me for oral sex instead and say stand down on the floor so he could watch me from distance. Seems like he get more turned on by that than closeness. In the night down there he choosed to nag on me to do oral sex again instead of making love as it was" too late" for making love.

One day I reminded him of the day he was behind me when making love because I was wondering what in the world he was doing back there as he tried to "look in", I stopped him. He told me it was an usual thing. How come he say its an usual thing? as its far from an usual thing.

He said further, today, I had said its up to him ( would we stay married as I demand affection and passion in my marriage), I said yes, he said yes let it be like that and leave it there.

But why would he say to me without promise? that made me feel scared, unsafe and hurt.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm not sure, but it sounds like he doesn't want to promise because he's afraid of breaking a promise.

You've stated that he was a virgin so he's probably unsure of himself...he doesn't know what to do...hence the reason for not promising. Maybe he's just trying to do his best.

My bf and I have love making issues as well. We talked about it and my idea of love making is slow, hugging, kissing, etc. His idea is just the closeness of being inside of me...men and women differ like that.

Most women need the foreplay whereas men do not require much stimulation at all. Most men will tell you that just the thought of sex is enough to excite them...

Women are from Venus and men are from Mars...meaning that we are alike but so much different at the same time.

Men see love in a different light.

My bf says that the only way he knows how to show his love is to work hard and to provide for us.

All I want is 5 minutes of his time, a walk around the park, or some cuddle time. To me, that is love...spending quality time with the one you love.

Try talking to him again and see if any of my ideas spring out at him.

It's worth a try.

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Hi true-hope,

thanks for replying to me, he has now promised me affection so its ok now until I go down see him, yet have to see if he can keep his words. I think you have a good point though...that he is unsure and that made him afraid of promising. I ´m sorry you dont get quality time with your bf, maybe you can talk with him about it if you havent already?

My personal opinion is I think men are able to do everything if they really want,if they are in love, like we women have no problems doing everything if "we" are in love. The only reason why I have been patient with my husband is because he was virgin. If he wasnt I am quite sure I would leave him immediately hearing what he said to me because he wouldnt have any reason to say such a cruel thing..not that he had in the first place, but I give him the benefit of the doubt.

A woman just said to me if there is true love one NEVER has to ask for affection, love or quality time or anything at all because it will be there. I dont want to say that men doesnt have problems, we all have, but then they need to talk it out and to work to make it better, keeping things inside and refusing to talk is just destroying the love even more,love requires communication as well as affection, without this love will wither and die in the end. I do believe with true love there wont be any pain, sorrow or confusion. This is why I am hurting in periods, I dont know what to think if my husband is the same as last time..when I go see him...will he treat me with respect, love and affection or as an object. He treats me good all the time, its just he seemed to have a twisted view about making love/affection, so hope it will be different next time, he´s a grown up man so if he starts with lame excuses again I think I`m getting too hurt and eventually lose interest, no matter how much I love him. One day he said he of course will be tempted if I kiss him as a kiss is felt in the whole body...so there are no excuses anymore as he say all this. I´m to old to go and wait for a man who has problems sharing himself with me. Then he´s just not that into me:(

Men arent complicated, a couple years ago I read the book "he´s just not that into you", I believe this book has much truth, if someone really wants something he will go and get it, he will do everything to keep her and love her, just like we woman would do everything if we are in love.

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