chatterbox512 Posted January 4, 2011 Report Share Posted January 4, 2011 Thousands to things run through my mind. But I have no way to control any of them. They go fast like a racecar on a racetrack; they go slow like a turtle lying in the sun. Some have no affect on me; others affect me for days, weeks, months, and years. Some influence who I am and where I am going, some are merely a passing thought. If I can’t control what is going through my mind, how can I control what my life is doing? I feel like I am merely a dot on a map. I have nothing to live for, most days I go completely unnoticed. I make no waves, I influence no one. I simply live. I draw breath, my heart beats, my brain operates the rest of my body unbeknownst to me how it happens, but it does. I am a failure. I want to go out and make a difference. I want to go out and make a tidal wave happen, where people will remember it for days and weeks and talk about it for a lifetime. I want to do this, but I can’t. I know can’t means it is impossible, but right now that is what it feels like. It is an insurmountable task that will not happen in the near future. When I think about doing this I am surrounded by feelings of ambition, hopefulness and eagerness, but I am also held down by feelings of anxiety and incapableness. Every time I start out on a new path I imagine making lots of friends and sharing my story, I imagine not being a loser and being an influence on others. But that is all it is Imagination at work. I am held down not only by my son whom I want to give everything to but I don’t have a sitter for, but also by my own lack of self-confidence. I have been told many times, ‘you just have to go out and do it, you will gain the confidence as you go out and practice’ but this doesn’t seem to be the case for me. Everything brings on a new source of anxiety. There are so many possibilities out there I am unable to narrow my possibilities down to something that is accomplishable. What if I can’t, what if I am not happy, what if it doesn’t work out, what if it is too much for me to handle, how do I make time for everything else, who will care for my family, who will take care of my son, will I be a failure, will my son be okay with out me there, can we afford it. These are all questions that run through my mind with every possibility of growth and prospective. How can I have such hopes for myself, and yet have no confidence in myself to do it? How can I show my son how to be independent when I am virtually incapable of such a task? No one really wants to listen to what I have to say, as the few times I have tried I have felt totally ignored. I try to speak up and ask for what I want, and my requests have gone totally ignored or forgotten. I don’t want to make trouble, I don’t want to cause a rif, I don’t want to have people look down on me and look at me as a trouble maker. But instead I am walked all over. I am looked over as an option, my opinions are not considered and I am looked at as insignificant. How do I change this? How do I become this person I imagine I am? How do I become an independent person who can fight her way through this tough society and still be noticed and taken seriously. Is this self-loathing? I am even unable to voice my concerns when it comes to what I need in my marriage. Is it because I don’t give myself enough credit, I don’t grant myself enough grace. I don’t deserve to have people listen to me. I don’t deserve to have people drop everything to be there for what I need. No one has to listen to me complain. After all it is always the same things that I can’t seem to work through and get over with. Why should anyone have to listen to the same thing over and over again? Why should anyone waste his or her time on me? If I can’t get over it and move on then why do I need to burden anyone else with it. I am a burden on myself and everyone else. I don’t deserve what life has granted me with. I have a beautiful son and a wonderful husband who rely on me, who worship me, and yet I can’t appreciate it. I am so stuck in what I want to be and my past life, and dealing with it, that I can’t appreciate what I already have and what could be. I am such a failure!!! Thanks for listening!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lindamomof7 Posted January 4, 2011 Report Share Posted January 4, 2011 Thanks for sharing, chatterbox. I hope sharing this has helped in some small way. And yes we do understand, we do care. I hope you find the support your needing in your "real" world. (((hugs))) And sorry chatterbox I'm not feeling to well here so I am adding what I forgot, this as an EDIT but You are NOT a failure. PM if you want to talk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randomperson Posted January 4, 2011 Report Share Posted January 4, 2011 I want you to know you are not a failure and you are making a difference.Everyone effects others for either good or bad. If you effect people for good.. which you are then you are not a failure and should be proud of yourself.On here alone how many people have you helped? You have helped me at times I was hurting.How is helping your son grow up to be a strong man knowing he is loved and cared for any less of a worthy task than anything else? On the bad thoughts that keep cycling.. I wish I knew the answer... I keep fighting that everyday. Keep telling myself to be happy with things as they are.. keep failing at it.I have learned to accept who I am.. which is some growth. But I still have very low self esteem and I am the ultimate doubter. I lack faith when it is something I so need. I have to have proof to believe anything.. which is something that rarely comes in life. But I do believe the key lies in small growth.. baby steps.. and to keep fighting.. keep hoping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chatterbox512 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 4, 2011 I don't really know the answers to most of my questions, I just know what I feel in my heart. This is the first time I have said such things and actually put words to what I am truely feeling. Most other times it is edited and revised so that it sounds like something someone wants to hear. My son is what keeps me going right now. I feel like such a failure because of all the things that I am still dealing with 15-20 years after the fact. I also have failed at a relationship with my siblings and family and with my in-laws family. Most days I feel a failure as a parent and a partner as well. It is all I can do not to curl up in a ball, take the rest of my meds and hope they don't let me wake up. But I even fail at that, so I just sit here sucking up air. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ASchwartz Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 Hi Chatterbox,It is important that each of us question our thoughts and feelings when we feel depressed because they are so exaggerated that they are not true. For example, we want to listen to you. We do listen to you. Remember, we are real. It may not seem that way on the Internet but its true.Too many of us frustrate ourselves and come to feel like failures because we set unrealistic goals for ourselves. For instance, you want to make a tidal wave. Why a tidal wave? Also, all of us are "dots on the map," and you are not different from the rest of us in that way. However, why do you feel that you have messed up all of your relationships? As for your racing thoughts, psychotherapy could help with that, especially Cognitive Behavior Therapy. In the meantime, why not try meditation and yoga? They have both been found to help with depression and other symptoms.Allan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantGiveItAway Posted January 5, 2011 Report Share Posted January 5, 2011 People are not always going to respond to us the way we want. That will never change. You are meaningful and have special qualities. You dont have to be a doctor and save athousand lives to have an affect on people. You should be proud of yourself that you care so much. There's noway you can fail if you follow your heart but people judge success differently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantGiveItAway Posted January 6, 2011 Report Share Posted January 6, 2011 Don't be so hard on yourself. You don't have to be on some great mission or give yourself endlessly to people to be worth talking to. Your opinions matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michmomof1 Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 Im here and im listening your opinions and your voice matters. Theres always someone out there that is willing to lend a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to. Dont give up. You are not a failure.You are so much more. I honestly think that there is a good reason why youre still here. Youre needed and are loved. Thats what i keep telling myself whenever i feel that way. I hopr this helps. You always have someone to go to if you need a shoulder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chatterbox512 Posted January 9, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 Thanks sweetie, diddo!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katey Posted January 10, 2011 Report Share Posted January 10, 2011 .......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.