It's been a while (trigger)

[randomperson]

I am glad you are feeling better. We all have been having a few rough spots try to knock us off the right path. But I am proud of us all it seems like we are still growing, still taking the baby steps forward. It is so great to have a group that understands.. just to talk to. It always felt like I had nothing to hold on to when I was slipping in the past and I would fall into a very deep depression. Now it feels like I do. This last time I popped right out of it. It shocked me.

[Athena]

I feel the same way. Talking stuff out with others helps not only to get it off your chest and get some kind words back, but also to help yourself verbalize problems so you can deal with them. It's almost like learning a new skill.

[Darkness]

Maybe I'm developing some kind of immunity to it.

Tis' called tolerance, though it's hard for me to imagine being tolerant to emotional relief...

well, if you find yourself thinking of doing anything more extreme, let me warn you, stop there.

I did that once, about a year ago, didn't end well... I was mad and screaming to music in front of a camera... long story short I underestimated how hard I cut with a bread knife, got stitches... cops came and stuff.

I've barely done it since then, and when I did, it was very minor. It kinda of scared me out of it.

I've had other than that maybe two major relapses in four years (started at 15) and a rare small session every 3-12 months. So I guess I can say that I can relate to it is all. It kind of screwed up my whole life along with other things (affecting possible finishing of school) when it spiraled out of control when I was 15.

So I guess I'm saying that if you think you are becoming immune to it, perhaps this is an ironic way of God saying; "hey, try something else, something healthier"

Music works good, I'd start there (if you haven't already)

[Guest ASchwartz]

Athena,

Please trust me when I say that your suicide would be a thousand times more devastating for your kids than anything they are experiencing now. Nothing and no one can replace Mom, regardless of what she is going through.

Glad you are feeling a little better.

Allan

[Athena]

So I guess I'm saying that if you think you are becoming immune to it, perhaps this is an ironic way of God saying; "hey, try something else, something healthier"

Music works good, I'd start there (if you haven't already)

Somewhere I heard "Stop doing what's not working". So I do tend to look for alternatives once the last one stops working. Some are healthy, others not so much. So far running works best but is not always accessible (snow, kids in bed, feel like crap). Music is great - I've composed a few songs in the middle of the night. Unfortunately it seems to accelerate my mood - great when I'm up, but bad when I'm down. Jann Arden seems to have that perfect mix of just the right words for how I feel without sending me spiraling downwards, so I've been listening to her a lot lately. And Mozart. Lately tranquilizers and sleeping pills seem to help me. Unfortunately that's usually after a drink or two. But not every night. I respect them for what they are - simply another method of coping, nothing more.

Athena,

Please trust me when I say that your suicide would be a thousand times more devastating for your kids than anything they are experiencing now. Nothing and no one can replace Mom, regardless of what she is going through.

Glad you are feeling a little better.

Allan

Well, the possibility/likelihood? that is true is what keeps me going. That and a frustrating inability to commit to either life or death. At this point, my body is functioning quite well on earth. I just need the rest of me to come to the party. I'm just hoping we can all come out of this in one piece and learn how to live happy emotionally balanced lives. I am getting awfully late in the game with a 9 year old. Old age in child development terms. No wonder a therapist made things worse when I was 17. It would have taken a miracle worker. I was beyond repair. My only hope is my current therapist, who I happen to believe is capable of working miracles, even though they don't happen every day. I call him my "LAST STOP".

[randomperson]

Well I have come to really enjoy your wisdom and chatting. You help much much more than you know. ..I think we all do. People naturally make ripples in others life.. either really good ones or really bad. Often we don't see it but we do. People in this forum are helping me to change my life for the better.

Thank you for that.

I consider this forum a blessing from God. I was needing a way to express my feelings. Friends family.. I would try talking to them but it wasn't working. Mom always acts like I'm broken when I talk to her like this lol.

This outlet is what I needed at the time I needed it. I would say when I most needed it but I wish I found you guys last Dec... but you know what I wasn't ready for this amount of growth then. I found this site when I was emotionally getting ready to start growing again.

Your kids know you love them Things will get better. We just got to give it time.

[Athena]

Thanks for your kind words Random. They help me feel a little less invisible. I was actually looking up images of Phantoms, Ghosts, The Invisible Woman - to put up on my profile page a few days ago. I do strive to have even that tiniest bit of positive impact in people's lives, and I find that this place gives me just that opportunity. Then when I have my freak-outs, like earlier in this thread, I wonder if people think it's a totally different person talking. Getting the urge to look up Multiple Personality Disorder. Oh oh!:eek:

Random, I do enjoy your company and our talks too, and thanks for your support.

[randomperson]

One good thing about me being messed up in the head for so long.. I have done a lot of soul searching. I still have so many questions but I managed to find a lot of answers as well. We do make an impact much more than we know.

I wish I had the time to tell you the self journey I have been through. Maybe over time I will. You would be proud and give you hope how far I have came as a person. I used to hate everyone. I would be afraid to go out in crowds.. you would have never caught me typing in here lol. I might read posts never would have wrote anything.. didn't trust enough.

I have learned more about myself and about people in general.

There is always hope. I have seen miracles of all types.

You know me I doubt. I search. And from my searching and doubting I realized there is hope. In humanity, in a greater purpose for us all.

My pain brought me to an understanding of myself, my faith, and a little bit better understanding of life. Wishing you the best. Thank you for your kind words.

PS I like the pic of the flower. It reminds me of a story my mother always told me.

Right after the car wreck mom had no one, no money.. nothing.

She was stuck in a cast alone at home no way to even drive to get food.

Often many days she would go without food. She put up a picture of a tulip that had grown the Spring before the car wreck to remind her no matter how bad things get Summer will come again.

Somehow always before she would starve someone would come and get her food.

She only had enough money to buy Peanut Butter, White Beans and bread. That is what she lived off of. But she made it through. Always.. always when it seemed hopeless some miracle happened to get her through.

[Athena]

Glad you like the "Athena rose". Kind of tones down the image of the warrior.

It's nice you have some good memories of your mother. I kind of came down hard on her from what you said on your "figuring things out" thread. There needs to be more good than bad. My Mom was wonderful but she still managed to mess me up. She tried her best but didn't have any parenting skills, neither did my Dad. My therapist and I just caught myself repeating the same damn pattern with my six year old. Arrggghhh! Well, at least I am AWARE of it and have lots of support for myself and my kids (at least in the therapy department) so I am confident I can fix it and reverse the damage.

Just found out I got reported to the Children's Aid rep again because my daughter told the new Psychiatrist she saw me cutting myself (she didn't actually but in her mind she did as she knew what I was doing at the time and saw the after-effects). The sad thing is - that's old news. It obviously is still imprinted in her memory, the poor thing. The good news is - I'm not freaking out over being reported this time. I'm going to work with the system and when we have our little "meeting" about this next week, I'm going to enlist their support in taking my ex's power to threaten me away. That's what's causing all of the SI problems.

[randomperson]

Good for you!

I am seeing flickers of hope for so many of us. We just got to keeping flaming it as I heard. Got to keep taking the baby steps together!

As for my mother she is an amazing person. Just when we post we typically talk about triggers and things hurting us. My ex also had her high points that is why I fell so hard for her. The point is I might mention bad things how people hurt me.. it is just to help heal.. to keep it from building up. I used to let it build bottled up all my pain and it ate at me.. caused many of the problems I have been working through for so many years.