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Another Memory Today


tobeistohope
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Wow, I don't know what to do with this. Some of you who have read some of my other posts know what my mother did to me, with all the trips to the doctors and all the "checking" of my private parts she did. Today I was reading a story in Psychology Today and I suddently had a memory that I wish I could put back where it came from. :) I remembered doing things (sexual things) to someone who was younger than I when I must have been 11 or 12 or so. I can't believe i could do something like that, but it's true, I remember it. It consisted of touching and exploring. I feel so terrible. Like a monster. I understand that I probably did it because of all the abuse my mother put me through, but is that a good enough excuse? I feel as though I am going through hell again. I emailed my therapist and told him what I remembered. I guess we'll see how far unconditional positive regard goes today.

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Mmm, and I felt like you'd hear a professional tell you that better than any of us.

Tobe, you were being taught that such exploration was normal by your own mother. Why wouldn't you be curious about another child (lots of kids are, even without abuse in their history)?

Was your intention sexual? As I recall, your mother told you it was medical attention that she was giving you.

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Also one thing to remember repressed memories can be very tricky especially if they are very old ones. I know because I have had a few. Most that I remember all happened when I was younger. Those thoughts tend to blur, get distorted.. to the extent I don't know what was real or what was not.

Things might not have happened like you remember now.

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Yes, Malign, that's what she told me. She took me to all kinds of doctors and told themthere was something wrong with me vaginally. She bought creams at the store all the time and made me let her put them on and in me. It's just a terribe feeling knowing that, even though I was still a child, I put someone else through it. But, I know I have to find a way to put the past behind me and have peace about it. I want to be happy. I want to live.

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(((ToBe))) I'm sorry for the delay in responding to your post.

You did mention being only around 11 years old when this took place. I also agree that memories can sometimes be hazy and possibly even inaccurate. And, as Malign mentioned, children are often curious...I don't think beating yourself up over this serves any positive purpose. I understand that it has been upsetting to you. :)

As to the trigger warning...I'm going to ask for clarification on this. Not just for your post, but for others as well.

I wanted to edit to add that your post is fine as it stands. Anything posted in this particular forum could be considered potentially triggering. It is something we all need to be aware of before we make the decision to read. Again the key would be self-awareness. Know your triggers and react accordingly.

Take care.

Edited by IrmaJean
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Well, I made a decision today. I am not going to torture myself over this. I am just beginning to enjoy life a little and I am not going to give that up. I cannot change this, so I asked God to forgive me and I am going to beliee that He has. I really like waking up in the morning and looking forward to the day and that has just begun lately. I think therapy has helped a lot and is still helping. I have to learn to leave the past in the past and live for today. ;)

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I'm sorry, Tobe, I didn't see this thread before :o - it was not ignoring it.

So I'm posting quite late, but it doesn't matter as you're already over it! :) I agree with others; there is really no reason to blame yourself for what you didn as a child. There wasn't any negative intention in what you did and the 2nd child would surely protest if (s)he felt hurt or embarassed! (You didn't protest when your mother did that bad suff to you, as it was your mother. But the child would surely not allow you to harm him/her, so... it was a kind of play - noone of you knew that "as adult, you would feel bad about it".)

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