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Distress (trigger trigger trigger)


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To day is not going so great. I began having flashbacks again about my abuse and abuser. I haven't had them in years, and suddenly on my way home and Wham, here they come.

This sucks!!

My chiropractor told me that my neck issues are more than likely steming from an old injury. Mind you I have never injured my back that I know of. So on my way home I began to flash back to when my father used to push my head on to his 'you know what' and when I wouldn't open my mouth he would push my head down until I had to open my mouth. He would tell me "please do this for me, don't I deserve this" and then when he would cum he would quickly pull out of my mouth and get it all over his stomach. I don't remember much about how I felt about it, but I remember I cried. I couldn't understand why this was happening to me. I do remember feeling soo dirty afterwards, but at the same time like I did something right for once. As much as I hated what he did, I invited it on myself. If only I had tried alittle harder to not let him put himself in my mouth. If only I had not given in when he came down and kept pretending I was sleeping, he would have left me alone. I am soooo angry with myself right now, because I allowed this to happen, and continue for 8 years. I remember that he had a dark chocolate colored leather chair that spun in circles and was really comfortable. He loved that chair, and it was only his. He had his office in the basement and would come down to work late at night. (oh by the way, I also had my bed and clothes in the basement where I slept, it wasn't a room though). This is where some of the 'stuff' would happen. I began to look forward to this intimacy with him, because it was the only source of closeness I got from any of my family. Why WHY WHY?? I am such a dirty little girl, I don't know how to say no. I suck, I don't deserve to be living right now and influencing my son. If I could bring this on from my father what will I teach my son. I just want to curl up in a ball and die. Huummm, that really sounds like a good idea right now.

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Ok, first off, you didn't let anything happen. I know you want to tell yourself that but i promise it's not true.

And for just pretending to sleep, well i did that and my stepfather continued on anyways.

The sexual acts felt like love to you and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved. Your father used that in his distorted way.

I have so many problems with blaming myself for this very same thing! You didn't know how to say no cause you craved what you thought was love.

Not only did he sexually abuse you but he manipulated you ("please do this for me, don't i deserve this?")

He knew what to say to get what he wanted out of you.


Please don't put yourself through the torture.

PM if you want to talk! I'll listen to graphic if you need to get it out!


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I'm sorry you had to go through that. As has been said elsewhere, that's no way to treat a little girl.

I have talked to a (depressingly) large number of women who have been through similar trauma. Every one that I've talked to has felt the same way: that they, the little child, was responsible in some way. And quite a few were in a twisted enough family situation to want the attention to continue ...

But it's not the child that made the family situation so twisted, after all; it's an abuser, and often another parent who goes along with it at some level, that get the family that twisted, to start with.

So, for the record, though it might not make much of a dent in years of self-talk: No child can "bring that on themselves". No childish reaction to such treatment is cause for punishment. What it should be is cause for care and patient help.

I'm going to bet you're teaching your son to be a better man than his grandfather was.

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He was in jail!! He spent 1 year in jail on Huber Law for the abuse. He the spent twelve years in jail for violating his probation and abandoning my mother. So who is the one being punished here? Yes I should be greatful he did time, but for 8 years of torment and another 20 plus of trauma he got one year and he still got out to go to work. That just salitifies my feelings that it wasn't his fault, he wasn't the one punished. I was!!

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Our justice system doesn't always work the way we want it to, Mel. My abuser was never put in jail or investigated and my kidnapper, well he is still walking around free and enjoying his family although he almost killed me.

You can't justify if it was your fault or not by the actions of the court. I am sorry, i know you are angry. I'm angry with you! You should be hella pissed!


there is nothing you can do about it. Not unless you want to write someone about it to see if he can be retried.

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I'm sorry you're having these painful memories resurface, Mel. :) I think that children, as a natural part of their development, see themselves as the center of everything in their world...and so tend to blame themselves for everything as well. When you've been traumatized like this, I think what can happen is the mind "freezes" at the age that it happened and so it is hard to look at from the logical perspective of an adult. No child can ever be to blame for being abused like this. And by a parent... someone who was supposed to keep you safe..:) (((Mel))) This was not your fault.

I think anger is very natural and healthy for you to express. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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