Dreams, Hopes, Past & Future

[58corvette]

I need to write this while it is fresh in my Mind & get off my Chest.

While sleeping I was having a bunch of Dreams that were Vivid & I could remember; They were all good exept the Last One. It was about my Ex-Wife. Keep in my over the last seven years I have had many Dreams (or Nightmares) about my Family (My Children, Ex & Myself) together & happy again. Only to wake up & know it was just a Dream. Especially when I worked out of State & Lived Alone.

Anyway in this last Dream someone tells me that my EX is here & she is getting Married in New York City. She has'nt really dated anyone after me & has only had flings from what I have been told. Anyway I dont believe this person & then I look over & there she is Celebrating with Everyone & Looking Beautiful. I am devastated & then I wake up.

I Truly wish I would stop having these Dreams that are only ongoing Nightmares as I wake up to Reality. It is truly devastating & keeping my Life on Hold. I Do Not Ever Wish This On Anyone!!!

So now here I am again in Reality; in a Hotel Room my Oldest Son & I on the Verge of being Homeless & Hopeless. My Son is not saying much to me at all & he is simply a Shell of what he once was; Do partly to our Divorce & Mostly from his Drug Addiction. I also am only a Shell of what I once was do Partly to my Divorce & This Terrible Debalitating Mental Illness I continue to battle.

When my Son was growing up he was so full of Life & Hope as was I. We were Great Together. Now our Future both Alone & Together looks very, very Bleak. I am so Scared & all Alone. Very Lost & just dont know anymore what to do for my Son or Myself.

God help us Please; all I can do is Pray. What did either of us ever do to deserve this ongoing Nightmare & Fate?

I am Truly trying my best to have Hope, but I just dont know how much more I can take. I am trying Eveything I know to get us help & Hope & it just isnt happening. I still am so Angry at my Ex for Ruining My Children's & my Life.

You have to know that when my Ex had an Affair in 1995 when I just got Job with School District & we lost our house at the same time. I was able to keep my Job & Family Together in campgrounds for Three Months. Until we slowly got our Lives back together as a Family.

I remember looking at my Children; Oldest was 11yrs. Old & Twins were 5 yrs. Old & telling myself I am going to keep this family together & my Children arent going to have the Life their Mother did; Full of Divorce's; Instability & Moving. I felt so sorry for these innocent Kids.

Well I am Proud to say I made it work & my Kids had Stability, same place to live & go to School. Until 2003 when she pulled it on me again six months after Getting a New House & Promising this Time the House & Marriage were Forever.

It came as my Twins just entered High School as Freshman 14yrs. Old. And my Oldest Son just moved out of house at Age 19yrs. a day earlier. She Gave me a Kiss took the Twins & went to her Mom's House. Hours later she called me & said she wanted a Divorce & two days Later said she wanted the House & the Kids.

I was Alone in that Big House for Six Months until The Court & Judge told me I have 72hrs. to Leave House & She gets full Custody of Children.

I DIED THAT DAY. I was still able to Maintain Job & after Four Grueling, Lonely Years Finish paying my Child Support & All their Health Benifits that I maintained.

It has now been 7 Long, Lonely, Lost years since that Fateful Day. Now with my Retirement Gone after Helping My Ex(Finish Schooling) with it, My Twin Son from a near fatal Car wreck & Permanent Dissability & Finally My Oldest Son & I just survive. Where have I got with all of this?

Im Sorry Everyone for all of this. It is part of my Life Story & A big Part of who I am & the Dreams I had. As I said God Please Help Me, my Son & My Twins. We did not deserve this Fate. Where did I go wrong?

I am Truly trying my best to hold on to Life. And Maybe it is going to take my Life to Snap my Son out of it. God I Pray he does'nt do anything to end his own Life. He has said many times to me if it wasnt for Me he would commit Suicide or be on the streets.

Well now we are closer than ever to that possibility. The Streets; with no hope in sight. I know Suicide is not the answer for either of us. I only hope somehow we can get through this Ongoing Nightmare full of Clouds & Despair.

[58corvette]

I wrote more but it did'nt save or post it. I just finished by saying I know I need to Cry right now & it will help. But my Son is Sleeping & it does'nt help him when I do that. So again I will try & continue just to get through this night. I dont cry anymore; Hardly ever & I never really see my son cry. It is one of those Emotions that Men Repress because were "Men".

Anyway something has got to give. We just arent Living.

[Lindamomof7]

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[58corvette]

I do know it's OK to Cry; Just cant in front of my Son right now. It only makes him worse. I guess by still being together that's something. But the Fact is we just are No Longer Helping each other in ways we need to.

My Twin Daughter has offered me to stay with her & her Boyfriend. My Oldest Son & Daughter do not get along unfortunatly at this point in time. Also I may have to try Salvation Army for myself again.

Either way it will probably be without my Son. He refuses to go to either place. In large part due to his continued Drug use & Addiction. So for him it will be the Streets or another "Friend" that I know will only last so long.

He tried to get us an Apartment together but I knew we would not Qualify & his Drug use would only make that Temporary & worse also.

We are in a Bad & Losing Situation. Once my Money is out in Month or so the Decision will Dictate itself. He just wont get the Help he needs & go with me to get that help together. As I said when I watch the TV show "INTERVENTION" it gives me hope.

Because someone Steps in to Help & Make things come to Head & Hopefully get better. I just dont have anymore answers for either of us together. Somehow my Son Believes if I get a Job we will make it. We wont not together & not as long as he has this Addiction. And with my Own Mental Instability & Issues I am no help either.

Dear Linda I know you are only trying to Help & you just are so Sweet & Caring. Your Family Has a Good Mom & Wife. And I know I sound so Negative with no Hope. Please Forgive me for that. I just dont know what to do anymore & Life seems so Dark.

I have always been so Dedicated & Loyal to My Family; But on the other hand the Insecurities I have as A Man & Person have Left my Alone & Lonely in so many ways.

As I said I tried my best to make it on my Own for Two Years & I am not looking forward to Living with My Daughter & Her boyfriend for several reasons. I get along with both of them; It will just be unconfortable for me. Same at Salvation Army. I am a very Private Person that Likes my Privacy & I have Pride.

Unfortunatly I will have no Choice at this point in time & I have just made some bad Choices & Decissions over the Last Seven Years that continue to Haunt me.

I Truly ment well, it just has'nt worked out well AT ALL. I have myself to blame for that in some ways.

[Lindamomof7]

I............

[58corvette]

Thanx Again Linda;

Thank You for sharing some of your own Personal Experiences to me. Means A lot right Now & gives me hope. Your experience was Similar & that is my other Option; My Van, Campground, Tent. It is worst case scenerio but I have done it before with all my Family as I mentioned before when we Lost House & ex had Affair.

She Put me Through Hell That's for sure. That's why I truly thought after all the Hard Times we had & finally getting Another House doing Ok Financially we could make it through anything TOGETHER.

I was WRONG; she used me & had A plan. Even after being Nice to me Again until she Received Half my Retirement. She got what she wanted. But I was the Dumb, Niave one, so live & Learn. Thats why I am so Gunshy & Jaded I guess.

Anway I am so Happy & Proud you made it through. Were you married to your Husband at the time? And did he help & see you through this Difficult Period? If you dont mind me asking?

Any way; My Daughter yes is still an option. My Friend (MY Best Friend) helped before we moved to Hotel; But my Son's Addiction & his own Stepson's Anger Issues made it impossible unfortunatly.

[Lindamomof7]

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[58corvette]

Your Story is amazing Linda & Seven Kids to boot!!! You are a Darn Good Strong Woman. And Your Husband is a very Good Man.

I also Believed & still do believe in Sticking & working things out. That was the way I was Raised. My Folks were Married 60yrs. until my Dad passed away last January.

My Oldest Sister has been Married 42yrs. & my Other Sister 35yrs. I was 23yrs. until she left Again. Her Mom has been married 5times now.

Her own Family Now realises it was her & not me & dont really speak with her now as she continues to do her own thing & go from Man to Man. But the Damage is Done.

As far as my Son (in ways he is like his Mom) kinda Sad; but last year I went with him to A Methodone Clinic & it just did'nt work for him. Made him worse in some ways. So he stopped going. He has tried many times to Self De-Tox on his own. Only to Relapse.

My Twin Daughter & Her Boyfriend Had him in A Group Therapy Rehab Home for about 11 days shortly before I relocated. It was working, but he got busted by the cops for no Valid Driver's Licence & Registration. So he could not get Transportation back down there.

Very unfortunate. Happened to him again Last yr. when he was driving my Van back & forth to a job he had. Cost me A mint to get Van out of impound & again he relapsed. He has gotten frustrated with Courts & Police to the point he has given up. Every time he tries to do the right thing he gets in trouble again with Licence & Transportation Problems.

So I believe he just has given up & continues to use to take away his pain. It is so sad & frustrating for me to see him like this. He was so full of life.

And for me in many ways I have also given up; That is why I hope & Pray Someone, Somehow will Interveen. Right now I just cant get him to go to any type of Group or Help. And for me im just Lost.

[Lindamomof7]

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[58corvette]

You are a very Kind, Intellegent & Insightful Woman & Person Linda.

I agree with everything you just stated. I will try my best on all fronts.

P.S. I just read your Post on "Quest for my Normal". I hope all goes well for you. You Deserve The Best!!!

Sincerely; Jim