how could i let it happen again (may trigger)

[shanrucas]

I am sorry you are having a tough time sleeping to. you have been on overload for so long, I wouldn't be surprised that you have forgotten how to sleep, your stress of it all has no doubt followed you to you bed. I find somethimes after a nice hot shower or bath just before been time and then finding somethin the gives me joy, such as cuddling with my dogs, looking at pictures that give me a pleasant feelings. helps somethims...anymay I do things to keep the stres block out as best as I can. for me its getting warm under the covers with dogs, listening to rymthum of their breating kinda soothes me as I look at pictures of supportive friends, ans soon a calmeness comes over me and then I can get some peaceful rest.. Im not saying that this works for every one , everyone has to find there own way that works for them, but this works for me for the most part.

I hope you can get some sleep

Shannon

[tash28]

Thank u athena and shannon I did manage to get some sleep last night but not til the early hours and still waking up in the early hours with only a couple of hours sleep. U both have some good ideas so will try them tonight. I think the problem was I was looking up all about suicide on the net before going bed and then I just could not switch myself off.

Thank you for all your support and I hope you are all well.

[Athena]

Not the best bedtime reading material, as you've discovered! Been there, done that. I'll admit, some interesting articles. I couldn't help wondering though what compels some of the writers to write about such stuff (other than the obvious mental health professionals who in a nutshell say not to do it, which admittedly is very good advice, even though we sometimes shut our ears off to it.)

If you must be on the net tonight, try googling "funniest u-tube videos":)

[tash28]

Went to the doctors this morning. I asked her for some help and told her I was not doing so well. She said she could see that as I looked runned down. I didnt go into great detail but just said I think I am depressed. She asked me to explain so I said I was not sleeping well again and the sleeping pills have all gone. I told her I had lack of energy and really not interested in anything at the moment. She asked if I was self harming again so I just looked to the floor and said Its ok its under control. She asked if she could check my cuts to make sure there was no infection. I told her no. She kept pushing and pushing to look at them. I wouldnt let her and I was getting so angry with her. I just asked her to leave me alone which she did do in the end. She could see she was causing me a lot of distress as I had tears rolling down my face. They are mine and they are personal to me. She offered me counceling but said there is a waiting list. She said I will hear something in the next 6 to 8 weeks about it. So she gave me a preciption for a anti depressiant. Its was not till I left the doctors and looked at the preciption that I noticed she gave me the anti depressants that sent me right over the edge. I have told her about not giving me this drug before. Even the psychiatrist said I should never have been put on them the last time due to having Bi polar. (The doctor didnt know that I had bi polar last time she gave them to me tho as it was when they sent me over the edge that the psychiatist assessed me and said I had bi polar and I did expain this to the doctor a while ago and she said she would look at al my notes).

So the trip to the doctors was not successful and have left me angry and upset.

I think tomorrow I am going to get myself out for a bit and go up to see my horses as not been able to go up there since I broke my arm. I am missing them so much I am going to go and get some therapy from them as they are the best thing when your feeling low and when you think that life is just not worth living anymore.

Thank you athena I did take a look at the you tube videos last night and there was some videos with animals in. They made me smile.

Hope you are all well

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Tash,

How frustrating for you. How about seeing a psychiatrist about this? They are more likely to understand because they deal with this all the time. Also, are you in psychotherapy? It sounds like it might help??

I am worried about you and I know everyone else is too.

Allan

[tash28]

Hi allen

The Uk is rubbish at supporting people with mental health issues or people who have a crisis. I think you have to be reffered by your GP for psychotherpy. Or to have self harmed in any form which has lead to someone ending up in A and E.

I have seen a psychiatist when I attempted suicide a year or so ago. They assessed me then asked to me stay in the hospital so they could do more aassessments. I couldnt stay in the hospital as I wouldnt feel safe. So I refused and said I needed to come home and all I could really think about was taking another cocktail of pills. I told them I was ok and they asked me to visit my GP on the monday. They also said they would get the mental health home treatment team to call me each day to check that I was ok and if I didnt answer the phone after them trying a few times then they would have no option but to contact the police to get them to visit me to check I was ok. They called me each day and I think on the second or third day i sounded real bad and they could tel I had taken another over dose so told me to go to A and E immediataly and if I didnt turn up the police would come and escort me there. When I had finished seeing the doctors one of the nurses took me to this room where there was 2 men and a lady sitting in this room waiting for me. I cant remember the title of each of them but they assessed me again asked me if I felt I was a danger to myself or others and what I felt about being in hospital. The 2 men left the room then said that I could return home on the conditions I let the mental health home treatment visit me. I agreed to this and they gave me the out of hours number for the mental health home treatment team and the day time contact number.

A few days later I have a guy from the mental health home treatment team visit. (I have Bi polar and think I was on a high this day) He was asking me questions about how I was feeling and everything else. While he was asking me questions I was cleaning walking around (as couldnt sit still) and i even think I was talking fast. (couldnt get the words out quick enough) But I honestly was on a high and nothing was going to bring me down and I think I come across positive. He said he was happy with everything and could see I as busy so was going to leave and said he no longer needed to see me as he could see I was getting on with life. He said I have all the telephone number if I need them again and so he left.

So you see I have no faith in the support there is for mental health people in the UK. Or thinking about what I have just written about maybe it was my fault as I didnt accept the help. Maybe thinking about it all I wouldnt be feeling like this today if I just accepted the help.

[malign]

Hey Tash,

I'm glad that you can see that your own fears might be keeping you from getting all the help you deserve, though I'm sure that there are flaws in any system. For instance, your doctor should have paid more attention when writing you a prescription, but the reasonable solution is to call her up and get a proper one, isn't it? People make mistakes; that shouldn't make you have to just suffer and take it. Get them to correct it! :-)

You deserve all the help you can get.

[tash28]

hello malign

I hope you dont mind but can I ask you a question??? Do you believe in Karma??

The reason why I am asking this question is I went round to a friends house as she was having a hard time a few weeks ago. She was telling me about her problems and then she said I believe in Karma so I must have been a horrible person once.

Hope you dont mind.

[malign]

Personally? No, I don't believe in karma. Or in other forms of Fate.

Most of the time (the vast majority of the time), people don't deserve the crap that happens to them. It's hard for me to believe that anyone deserves rape, or abuse. I just don't think the world operates according to our ideas of right and wrong.

What I believe is that we all have the capacity to overcome what happens to us, though. That there is a place in each of us where we connect to all the rest. A safe place we can go to in times of need, and from which we can draw truly incredible amounts of strength.

It isn't always easy to find; we may need help to find it, sometimes, but it's there.

[tash28]

Thank you malign. I think I am just looking for some answers.

[malign]

I do understand that desire, tash. I just think that sometimes, if the answers exist at all, they end up coming to us while we're doing something else. For me, it's often in the shower, but I think what I'm trying to say is that sometimes we have to go on without answers.

And there may not be an answer to "why", other than "because", at least not until the end.

In some ways, the questions are more instructive than the answers, though. You can ask "why did my life have to be damaged this way?" or you can ask "what can I do to mitigate the damage, so that my life is as good as it can be?" After all, once you know the first answer, you'll still need the second.

[tash28]

I have always looked for the answer to why this has happened 1) being maybe it was my fault why he did this 2) If people say things to me i.e the karma situation then I have to look into it to see if it makes sense. But to be honest nothing makes sense as I just dont understand why someone would want to cause someone so much suffering. It really does mess with my head. I think your right maybe there is no answers as to why.

My friend took me to see my horses today it was so nice. We went up real early as I cant be up there when it gets busy. I managed to get a few hours in with my horses before people started coming up. This is just one effect this abuse has had on me. I use to love being around people loved company but now I have to be on my own or with 1 or 2 other people.

[tash28]

Just looked at another thread and I think what allen said is right blame the perpertrator, feel angry at the perpertrator and hate the perpertrator.

I think I need to make him feel just some of the things he has made me feel.

Maybe he can share some of the hatred and anger that I had against myself.

[Athena]

Sometimes I think of people who have been truly cruel as a brain tumour - they stick in your head and unless you cut them out, they grow there. So you have to operate, cut out the tumour and if it keeps coming back, cut it out again and again until it's all gone. Sometimes this thought gives me some power back because I can imagine it "out there", out of my head. I feel less like a victim and more in control of the situation.

Actually, that just reminded me of a QiGong retreat I went on in 2009. Part of it focussed on healing others' physical ailments (the QiGong master there has cured some people of cancer). The idea is to find the problem, then "pluck" it out (kind of like pulling the bad energy out). Then the final step is to put love in, in its place. I think I need to add that final step to my visualization. It is a very powerful force.

OK, I just googled QiGong and PTSD - there are quite a few sites that came up, you may want to check them out. By the way, QiGong literally means "working with energy". We all know when we have positive or negative energy within us, because we can physically FEEL it in our body - For example, positive energy - an amazing piece of music we are listening to or when we are really connecting with someone we love.

[tash28]

Thank you athena for your on going support.

Im not feeling to well today and am having a bad day. I cant focuss on what you have written. I try and start reading it and then will go off into a day dream and will pull my hair out. I have done this for many years when I dont feel to well. (It has taken me all my time just to write this. Im having to read it over and over again. I just cant focuss.)

Anyway What Im tryig to say is thank you for all your on going support and thank you to everyone else for their support.

I hope you are all well

Thank you all again

[malign]

Tash,

Are you okay being alone, right now? Is there anyone you can be with, whether they know why or not?

Please take care of yourself.

[tash28]

hi again

Sorry I didnt reply. I went into complete depression for 2 days. I couldnt speak to anymore or get out of bed. It was like I was shuting down. It was horrible and really scary. As I feel like I just want to end my life. (This has happened many times before) Not sure if thats because of my Bi polar.

Athena I looked up about Qigong. I have orded myself a dvd which has Qigang in it. It lots interesting and hopefully will help me.

I hope evryone is ok

Sorry again

[malign]

Tash,

Thank you for worrying about us worrying.

I often would shut down when I was afraid of doing something worse. It may not be ideal, but if it's the best you can do at the time, do it.

I also have tried qigong, and tai ch'i, as well. I recommend both or either, particularly to anxious people, but anyone can benefit.

Take care.