michmomof1 Posted January 9, 2011 Report Share Posted January 9, 2011 Today i feel worthless, anxious and depressed. Some days i dont want to get out of my bed and others i have thoughts of wanting to hurt myself, i dont mean end my life i mean just hurt myself to the point where ill be in the hospital just to avoid everyone. To me that seems so mean but i feel like im handling to much at one time and i dont know how to deal with it all.I got a divorced two years ago. I just now remembered its been two years this month(january 7th 2009) I dont think i fully let go of that or maybe handled it. He moved on, within 6 months he remarried and decided to move out of state to live with her. The thing is at that time he didnt have the decency to tell me or his daughter. I had to be the one to tell her. He abanonded her by marrying this person and moving to be with her and didnt tell her. I did. Ever since we became seperated she has been having alot of behavoir problems. I tried so hard to handle it on my own but how much can a person take? I had to deal with the divorce, the emotional issues that came with it, learning how to be on my own which i still havent gotten used to it, and my daughter.Shes the best thing that ever happened to me but i feel like a failure. I feel like she woint forgive me or understand why I made the choices i did. After months of yelling at my ex I finally caved in and sent her to go live with him. I didnt want to, and ignored some advice given by a friend. at that time I thought he doesnt understand what does he know? but in the end he ended up being right and I hate that.He said id get really depressed if i sent her there and I did. I still am. I had to do what i needed to and at the time I thought it was the right thing to do. Now i realized i was wrong because things got alot worse. I wont get into details but now I pray every day i get that chance to see her again. The only way i can do that is by moving there and that scares me. If i decide to move there then i have to deal with the person who hurt me badly. Who caused me to have low self esteem and made me severly depressed for the 8 years ive been with him. yet despite what he has done i gave him the benefit of the doubt by thinking he can do a better job at raising my daughter but he proved me wrong. I get so hard on myself there are nights when i cry myself to sleep. I tell her i love her and i miss her and everyday i say that she never says it back until just recently. Im sure shes angry at me i dont blame her. I just want her back here with me. I want to make things right and have a reason to smile. No matter how upset i was or tired she would always try to make me smile.I feel like im being pulled in so many directions. I want to move there to be near her but that scares me, I have friends in another state that want me to move near them but im scared of that too. Then i have family and friends here. Im so confused. The worst part is that no one calls me or asks me how i am doing. You would think id get alot of support during this but i dont but yet when i go out of twon for two days to visit friends all of a sudden they care? seriously? Im confused and depressed and im sorry this is so long. I hope im not judged for this and i hope that someone understands. I just dont know what to do anymore.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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