feeling worthless

[michmomof1]

Today i feel worthless, anxious and depressed. Some days i dont want to get out of my bed and others i have thoughts of wanting to hurt myself, i dont mean end my life i mean just hurt myself to the point where ill be in the hospital just to avoid everyone. To me that seems so mean but i feel like im handling to much at one time and i dont know how to deal with it all.

I got a divorced two years ago. I just now remembered its been two years this month(january 7th 2009) I dont think i fully let go of that or maybe handled it. He moved on, within 6 months he remarried and decided to move out of state to live with her. The thing is at that time he didnt have the decency to tell me or his daughter. I had to be the one to tell her. He abanonded her by marrying this person and moving to be with her and didnt tell her. I did. Ever since we became seperated she has been having alot of behavoir problems. I tried so hard to handle it on my own but how much can a person take? I had to deal with the divorce, the emotional issues that came with it, learning how to be on my own which i still havent gotten used to it, and my daughter.

Shes the best thing that ever happened to me but i feel like a failure. I feel like she woint forgive me or understand why I made the choices i did. After months of yelling at my ex I finally caved in and sent her to go live with him. I didnt want to, and ignored some advice given by a friend. at that time I thought he doesnt understand what does he know? but in the end he ended up being right and I hate that.

He said id get really depressed if i sent her there and I did. I still am. I had to do what i needed to and at the time I thought it was the right thing to do. Now i realized i was wrong because things got alot worse. I wont get into details but now I pray every day i get that chance to see her again. The only way i can do that is by moving there and that scares me. If i decide to move there then i have to deal with the person who hurt me badly. Who caused me to have low self esteem and made me severly depressed for the 8 years ive been with him. yet despite what he has done i gave him the benefit of the doubt by thinking he can do a better job at raising my daughter but he proved me wrong.

I get so hard on myself there are nights when i cry myself to sleep. I tell her i love her and i miss her and everyday i say that she never says it back until just recently. Im sure shes angry at me i dont blame her. I just want her back here with me. I want to make things right and have a reason to smile. No matter how upset i was or tired she would always try to make me smile.

I feel like im being pulled in so many directions. I want to move there to be near her but that scares me, I have friends in another state that want me to move near them but im scared of that too. Then i have family and friends here. Im so confused. The worst part is that no one calls me or asks me how i am doing. You would think id get alot of support during this but i dont but yet when i go out of twon for two days to visit friends all of a sudden they care? seriously?

Im confused and depressed and im sorry this is so long. I hope im not judged for this and i hope that someone understands. I just dont know what to do anymore..

[Sweetsara]

No judgment here:) Everyone is entitled to their feelings. Remember that good bad neutral you feel how you feel.

I know what it's like to miss your children. When they aren't there you aren't whole. A piece of you is missing. Have you considered counseling or group therapy? Moving past a divorce is very hard especially when the other person moves on so quickly. Talking it out might be cathartic. The best thing to do for your daughter right now is find your center. Kids take their cues form us. So if you find a way to make peace with this maybe she can too.

I just wanted you to know someone read this and cares. Sorry I can't be of more help.

[sensitive_woman]

michmomof1,

I had an idea... what if you and your daughter both join a hobby class together, say embroidery or photography or whatever else you both like. It can be an activity that both of you enjoy doing and can give you a financial means of making money too if you want to. This will also keep your mind occupied fruitfully without any negative thoughts or undue pressures. Think about it

[58corvette]

I am a Man; Yet I completly understand what you are going through & are dealing with. I have been there. 3 Children & 23yrs. of Marriage.

I still have many Issues & my own current Situation after 7yrs. since Divorce This Month Also is an ongoing Daily Battle & Dilemma.

I will say this much. Through Time my 3 children have realised it was Their Mom & Not I that caused so much Pain & Problems & I know they All Love & Respect me a lot for what I went through.

Your Daughter Will understand everything as Time goes by & I know Loves you very much. I moved away after Finishing Child Support & not seeing my Children Thanx to my ex's Manipulation of them. I eventually moved back from my own Lonliness & My 3 Children's Desire to have me back near them.

From my Own Experiences; Yes your Daughter needs Stability, & Love. If you truly feel you will be able to Handle Living near your Ex & his new wife for the benifit of your Daughter & Yourself & able to Support Yourself then you may want to consider that option.

If not; Stay where you are Planted & Eventually things Will get Better for You & your Daughter Together. Just try to weigh all options that are best for you in the end. I do not regret moving back near my Children Whatsoever; But I live in A Hotel with little Income Left due to not Having Job, or Stable place to Stay & Live.

The Very Best To You MichMomof1. Your Daughter Will Always Love You!!!