(possible trigger) I need to get this off of my chest...

[audball911]

...and this seems like the place to do it. It's been nine years, and I've only told one person. But I'm quite certain that others here will understand.

I was 9, and it was Thanksgiving. The extended family was at my grandmother's house, all the cousins playing, etc, etc. I was downstairs with my older adopted cousins, when we were called upstairs for dinner. I went into another room to put a game away, and assumed they had both gone upstairs. I was wrong, and the oldest one ("T" from here on) pulled me into the bathroom and raped me.

Normally, I would have gone bawling to my mother. Before he left the room, however, T warned me that if I told anyone, he would "accidentally" hurt my autistic brother. Having grown up with "Protect your brother no matter what!" drilled into my little skull, I couldn't have that happen. And when T sat right beside my brother at the table, I was certain that he would follow through.

Looking back, I don't think he would have gotten away with it, since there were so many people (especially adults) around. We've only seen each other a handful of times since, and then he won't speak to/look at/be left alone with me.

I'm not really mad at T for doing what he did to me. My anger is mostly directed at his threat about my brother...and at myself, for believing him and not doing anything about it.

...whew. Okay, I just really needed to spill that. Like I said, it's been nine years. That's a long time to carry this stuff.

[I'mnothere]

Good for you for sharing. That took a LOT of courage. A pity no one else has answered yet.

Don;t second guess yourself. You were just a little kid and he was a teenager. YOu don't have to be angry for believing him. That's what they do to keep you silent.

I hope you have an opportunity to deal with this in therapy, or whatever.

And I hope that your healing journey goes well.

[pseudome]

I didn't see this post before either, I don't think. I only joined less than a month ago myself.

Tough stuff, audball. I totally get where you are coming from. I hope you are well.

[Endlessnight]

Audball, it took a lot of courage to write what you did and must have been very hard for you and I hope that finally telling someone about it has given you a small amount of relief. There isn't much I can say to you other than to let you know that I am so sorry about what happened to you and you must never blame or be angry at yourself. Children are so innocent, they believe what they are told so I know you were doing what you thought best by not telling.

My heart goes out to you, and to all those that carry the burden of their abuse inside of them. Take care.

[Symora]

Hi Audbaul, Thank you for trusting us enough to share that with us. As Endlessnight said, children are so innocent and so used to being told what to think and do, so subject to the authority of those around them. You did what most 9 years do, they keep it to themselves not to get themselves or others in trouble. You were trying to protect your brother by being silent and that is a noble thing, although keeping it inside also does us a disservice since it becomes a secret that can haunt us. I hope that sharing it with us, and eventually perhaps a professional can help you get beyond the anger and confused feelings about the incident.

I'm sorry you had to live that, and please let the blame lie exactly where it belongs, on the person who took advantage of your innocence at the time... he was in a position of power and he took advantage of it with no thought to the consequences to you... If you are still with us, how are you feeling now?