How to curb obsessive urges to contact ex?

[thebox]

After months of trying to work around extreme pain in a relationship that was doomed almost from the start, my ex suddenly flipped the switch (as he wanted to do ever since the initial problem) and now hates me. He hasn't said a word to me in a month. He's either ignored or blocked every possible attempt at contact - except for a message board that we both visit (not this one!), on which he makes snide comments about me but refuses to address me at all, even when I directly beg him to. I'm trying to quit the message board because it frustrates and hurts me so much to see him there, but even if I do manage to keep away, how can I curb the urges?

I just want to talk to him one more time so that we can part on amicable terms. The pain of the relationship and the unclean way in which he cut it off haunts me every day and I feel incapable of getting past it. His callous comments about me indicate that he doesn't care enough about me that a final conversation would upset him - in fact, I feel he'd be better off, too, if we could make a clean break - but he's told himself that he wants nothing to do with me and he's sticking by it.

How can I get over this? The intense pain has become less frequent since I started on antidepressants (now I just sleep and eat all the time), but it still rears its head often. I can't accept that this will never be OK; I feel like I can't live with it.

[malign]

Well, it strikes me that even if you got him to talk to you, there's no reason to believe that you'd get the "amicable terms" you're looking for. That's because we don't get to control how the other person behaves. It seems like he's determined to be angry, so maybe that helps him deal with it somehow. Do you want to take that away from him? There's no guarantee that any breakup will be "clean"; in fact, I would guess clean breakups would be the minority.

One thing you mentioned elsewhere is that your intense emotions connected to your lovelife have been going on essentially since you started dating, as a teenager. Is it possible that that intensity actually came before the dating? It might be worthwhile looking at the relationships you saw around you, growing up. Perhaps you learned something from them that needs to be re-learned?

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry that you've been struggling with this, thebox. I can certainly relate to the intense pain of being left with "unfinished business" at the end of a relationship. Have you considered what you might be needing in this to find peace within yourself? If it is impossible to air things out with your ex, it might help to express your feelings in some way. Have you tried writing down what you want to say? Sometimes just getting it out can be helpful in easing some of the intensity behind those painful feelings. The urges to connect will become less frequent and less intense gradually. It's a bumpy road, but hopefully it will become smoother for you little by little. Be gentle with yourself during this time. I hope you are feeling better soon.

[thebox]

Thanks for your replies.

You're very right, malign, that I wouldn't be able to ensure that I'd get the type of closure I want even if I did get to talk to him. That's what my friends are telling me: "You can control your actions, but you can't control his." And that's what I have to remember in order to get over this.

I guess part of why I'm so reluctant to accept this is that I think so highly of him that I value his opinion of me more than anything else. He's brilliant in an academic sense (perfect GRE, virtually perfect LSAT, etc.) and I've always regarded his judgment as practically infallible. I know logically that intellectual strength doesn't translate to rationality w/r/t relationships (hey, I'm above-average in one and below-average in another ), but I just feel like something is wrong if he thinks I'm a "shitty, horrible person" (his words, on the other forum). For months, I took his anger as a sign that I was an awful person, and only now am I starting to accept that his view may be distorted, but it still feels... off.

I'm not sure what caused my emotional intensity. My parents are amazing and loving and kind and basically perfect, so I can't imagine I got anything harmful from then. BPD is supposedly "biopsychosocial", which... doesn't do much of anything to narrow down the possible causes of my instability. My therapist and I do talk about things I may have learned, though, in an impressionable stage, and how I can unlearn them. (For example, my tendency to throw out threats when in emotional pain is something that may have been reinforced once and stuck.) I think that's a good way of thinking about my habits that need to be changed.

IJ, good suggestion. I started a private blog when things got out of control recently and it did calm me down; I think I'll try going back to that.

Thank you both for your positivity and help!

[randomperson]

This thread really touched on how I am feeling myself. Seems like we are both drawn to the same type of feelings and were in about the same type of relationship.

I know how you feel to a tee. The ups and downs are crazy. Leaves you in a limbo state. If you start to move on if it is the same type thing he will poke at you make you think it will work for a little bit you will get hope again only to realize it is a one sided relationship.

I went through this for awhile now. I even stuck past the ignoring phase at spots, and out of nowhere she started it back up time after time. It will drive you nuts trying to figure it all out.

It is not us.

I finally am realizing I need to move forward. I need to find someone that truly loves me. You do as well!

He shouldn't be saying such things about you in a public forum you both love.. you deserve better.

Maybe we can help each other, give each other support.

Truth is I am lonely. I know I will get weak again before it is over if I don't have someone reminding me to stay on the right path.

Tell you what if you support me give me strength to get past this not weaken down and keep writing her.. I will do the same and support you.. sound good?

[thebox]

randomperson, I'm so so glad you understand! It's tortuous, isn't it? You're so right about the ups and downs. Every time you almost lose them and then they pull you back at the last second, it intensifies the connection.

Good news! In the past few days, a few things have happened that have made me lose faith in my ex's... umm... soundness of mind. I think that after months of this limbo, I'm ready to move on. I'm not sure if this inner peace came for the right reason, but at this point, I'll go with it.

Best of luck with your situation, and you can always talk to me if you need encouragement to stay strong.

[randomperson]

I'm at the same spot. After a year of 'breaking up' lol.

I think I am moving on. Today is a bit tough because I am realizing it.

But I have already went through the major pains long time back.

Cried till there were no tears left.

Now it seems like it is more of an addiction and false dreams.

I might take you up on talking at times. Sounds like we can be there for each other

My ex had some major emotional issues as well. Wouldn't even let me talk to her on the phone though we were in a long distance relationship. I kept making excuses for her or blaming myself, but it was getting to the point where I couldn't anymore.

Sounds like our ex's would be a perfect match for each other ;P