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Frozen


Guest deadman

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You take special care with the voice inside your head.

I'm serious! That is what I have learned from being here at this site. Watch for distortions in what you are saying to yourself.

I think distortions happen because we feel so bad. We want to have a reason that matches how bad we feel, and things can get really inflamed. This does not mean there aren't reasons for our feelings. It means we don't always have the right ones. It can take a lot of sorting out and a lot of feedback from caring others to get to the roots of things.

You have to be willing to examine your thoughts and be truthful. You have to be willing to feel what it is you feel and be truthful about what it is you need. And you need caring people to help you with all that, and you need caring for others so you can find your ability to do that, and then you need to turn some of that care toward yourself.

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I agree on the difference in our perspectives, DM. In fact, one of the things I most enjoy about 'finding my way' is that we never answer any given question the same way, yet without conflict, just different perspectives.

I'm glad you've considered my question before. Because my next assertion is likely to throw you: I believe, though I doubt that there's any way to prove, that any trauma that doesn't kill you is inherently healable. Because healing has nothing to do with the trauma, once it has passed. It has to do with the survivor, the person doing the healing.

Where there's life, there's hope; not as pablum, as personal belief. It has nothing to do with your glass being near half-full. It has to do with the fact that you're still holding a glass. As long as you know how to find water, you can fill it as much or as little as you want.

And I know that things are still too raw for you to agree with me. Is it something you'd be willing to experiment with?

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I know I asked you for a stretch, so I'm going to try to leave you for a while. I don't have direct input into "ongoing rape" or how to prevent it, from across the internet. That's not doubt that it's occurring, or apathy about your pain, experiencing it; it's my helplessness to change it.

I did want to point out that a car and its engine are inanimate. They can be taken apart and put together essentially as good as new. There is no pain in this process for the car. And if each of the parts, evaluated separately, are not worth saving, some living intelligence can render that verdict and scrap it with no loss of life.

You're not a car.

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I really mean an intra personal approach. You begin to witness yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, and you get to know your own dynamics and needs. Unlike the engines you speak of, the mind is very very workable IF you get some good (truthful) and relevant feedback, and have a bit of willingness.

This right here is a profound example of how we can get caught:

Your question is interesting because it is mine. If it is possible to heal and recover then the trauma is not as large as I suspect it to be. If I can not heal and recover, then the trauma is as large as expected.

From this construct, you HAVE to stay sick to be true to your experience of the trauma. To be true to yourself, you have to be dead.

I am saying, and I learned this in therapy, that you can sort each of these parts out and they can each be heard and honored. They will not be discounted or shamed. They can also each learn something new about what is possible for comprehending all this and something new about how to be true to yourself.

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I know what an analogy is; I was just pointing out that there exist ones that are closer to the human experience. We each possess something that we only get once, Life. That makes us different from mechanisms. And I know you know; I'm just trying to work with you on what a closer analogy might be.

And all this talk about dying cars is making me edgy, because I'm not mechanically inclined, and mine has me worried, lately. ;-)

I have no wonder at all about how hard this is, DM. I do hear you.

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However, when you feel bombarded with serial abusive events and cruel and uncaring responses from those fellow beings around you, your logical conclusion is that the world is a dangerous place, something that can and does overwhelm with cruel and unjust events, and you'd be wise to avoid contact. Your ability to cope with the loss of your world as it made sense to you and allowed your to feel reasonably secure, leaves you without a foundation from which you can rebuild. Everything is frightening and terrible because you have no way of processing experiences that doesn't include the expectation (not just potential) of another trauma.

I'm wondering if you can expand on this. Are you feeling that the legal/medical/other system does not support you? That your country does not support you? Are the serial abusive events related in any way? Do you feel that the people who should be helping you are not listening to you? Or maybe "listening" but dismissing or disbelieving what you say?
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Hey DM

Working with your engine analogy I want to present a point for you to consider. When you take an engine apart you have all these seperate parts, you have to look closely at each part and make sure each are working properly before you can put the whole thing together again. If one piece is not working than it will throw off the effiency of the entire operation. However, one piece can not work on its own in an engine, all the pieces are needed together to make the engine to work properly.

So that being said, taking apart your engine, there are alot of broken pieces, but that doesn't mean they can't be fixed. What can you do to keep the car still running and from not breaking down on the side of the road. As long as it runs on the road, is it okay for it to be smoking every once and a while, the breaks to be rubbing for a while and the heat to not work, or do you expect everything to run insinc at the same time?

I hope this made sense as I am typing it, it makes alot of sense in my head :rolleyes:

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Any wonder my foot is hard on the brake and I am full of fear wondering how bad it is all going to be?

I can imagine it's very frightening, DM. Especially when your trust has been betrayed in the past and this continues to hurt you. Maybe you might consider the road up ahead might also bring good things?

I think it's essential that we take care of all of the parts, as Finding indicates. That means listening, forgiving, comforting... I understand this might be difficult for you.

Have you tried asking yourself what it is you need right now in this moment? Giving those needs a voice? It might help with finding a place to start identifying your needs and being aware of them.

Take care today.

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And to think how many millions of people who are dealing with idiot drs who are only out to make cheap money!! Even with insurance people get taken advantage of, the only difference is that many people who are getting Medicare are not in a position to fight and sue. The Dr.s know this and continue to take the insurance companies and everyone else for all they got.

What are you going to do if they do find something in the MRI on Monday? With the fact that you have been treated so awefully in the realm of getting repaired, I am just curious what are you going to do? I imagine they have had you in PT, but it just isn't a benefit. What are you hoping they find, or don't find in the MRI.

There is one good thing (I am sure many more) about you that I have noticed. You are a fighter. You don't take just any answer and believe it to be fact. You really think about each one and tailor them to what you think and believe, and if you really can't find a benefit, you let it be known. You eve said so yourself that you don't just go away when you keep getting the run around!! That is a very good thing. Not to mention you do have plans. One plain may be contingiant on another, but you do have them and something to work towards.

Lets see what the MRI says on Monday and take it from there!!

Hope you are having a decent weekend!!

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Another is that I have become such a social leper that I am barely tolerable in polite company. I have hidden out in the slime for over 20 years and have lost my connection to humans. I want to reach out and find a friend. Or two. Or a dozen. Sadly, my efforts tend to fail. I have no common interests. I just don't know how to play nice with others. I suspect the total intelligence is a constant and the population is growing fast. I write or say something that I am completely unaware of as being objectionable or offensive and things fall apart. Ever watch the Bones TV show or better yet the Doc Martin series? Good people who have no social skills and become oddballs and out of the social loop. I know this must change or I will not make it. The urge to cut and run is nearly overpowering and the effort and stress to prevent myself doing so is enormous.

Lack of social skills...Anger that repels others... I've been struggling with that a lot lately. I heard Bill Bixby's voice in my head today "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!" from his Incredible Hulk days (referring to myself, not you.) I've found this is not a bad place to practise, until I'm brave enough to go out and be face to face with more people. And somehow, writing stuff out here slows me down enough that the anger gets toned down and that has had a mellowing effect on how I verbalize things in person. I suspect it is a big reason why I have lately been learning to "play nicer" with others and it is having a noticeable impact on how they respond to me (ie: they don't immediately run for cover!).

Then there's the whole strange setup here where people I know nothing about are witnessing my failings. And I am damn fool enough to go along with it. What can I be thinking?

Strangely comforting is it not:)? There are so many nice people here. I don't think the bad ones show up. They don't get picked on so they don't get hurt.

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"Miffed"? I've always known about your vocabulary; what impresses me is your self-restraint in using it. ;-)

As for "I DARE you to try to do this and remain sane", you're sort of assuming we're at a particular starting point.

It sounds very tiring, DM. I've had a closed MRI without problems, but then, I've never been beaten in a small space. From what I know of the physics, though, it's already a big enough magnet, as it is; it would be hard for them to make it a light and airy experience without magnetizing the entire room, and possibly grabbing up all the cars from the parking lot outside. I agree they could have told you that up front.

I assume the big MRI wasn't for the wrist, was it? Is there any progress on that front?

As for the sports thing, I simply don't bother to pick a winner. I haven't lost yet. How's that for a streak? ;-)

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Oh, sarcasm is undoubtedly a coping skill, and I know when I'm in the presence of a master. ;-)

Thing is, like many coping skills, it's a stopgap measure against insanity. It may or may not be fun.

Thorazine is known to increase reaction time, so I'm not sure it's ideal. You'd probably want something that left you the option of fleeing. {Yes, I know you're not serious.}

I didn't actually know that you needed a larger machine to image smaller structures, though I did know about the complexity of the wrist joint. {Professional typist that I am, as a computer programmer, it's an occupational hazard.}

Yeah, it was cost that persuaded my Dad (who's Scottish) not to eject from his MRI. He didn't enjoy it, but no one died. He's a grumpy man; they were lucky.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi,

I don't know much about this but, is it true that there's a smaller and much less confining MRI machine for those of us who can't stand the other machine?

Also, I'm surprised to hear that the anathesia causes you nausea, etc. I've recently had surgery with no side effects from the general anasthesia. Anyway, I know everyone is different and responds differently. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you other than to say that it must absolutely Maddening to deal with medical people who seem to be Deaf!!

Allan

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*imagines an anal sphincter collective*

"You will be ..." ... Nah.

Yeah, I suspect it's more that they're caught up in a difficult process than that most medical people are evil ... Some, maybe, but there's a lot to be said for simple human fallibility. Much of what's said, of course, is "ouch!"

Like watching a quite-competent nurse try to start an IV in my 86-year-old Dad last week (he's much better now): she had to switch arms, eventually. Not a competence issue, really, just the difficulty of getting a needle into an old guy's vein. The point of the IV was that he was dehydrated, after all, so his veins obviously weren't full.

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DM,

You say that your doctor did NOT specifically order general anesthesia. I suggest getting that document in writing, and taking an advocate to the procedure with you, with said document in hand, who is capable/authorized to speak up to the one doing the procedure, on your behalf. Your problem brought to mind the concept of a "doula", who is in my experience somebody who knows the ins and outs of childbirth and translates what the doctor is saying to you, such as "this baby needs a little help" actually means, "the doctor is about to get the forceps". Mine did a great job of preventing unwanted procedures for me. She was right in the delivery room with me.

Do you have any lawyer friends who might be willing to do attend the procedure with you and advocate for you? Or perhaps a retired medical professional?

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