Frozen

[Athena]

Say what you will, God has a sense of humor.

And I'm happy to see, so do you:)

Athena, you may have pointed out the germ of a reason to continue to work on the book about coping with disability. I've been trying to say that I have come to an end of my own abilities, and despair that this means the end of me as I am willing to accept it. As we've communicated here, I have picked a few brains and have learned a couple things that have been pushing back that end.

Wonderful.

Advocates. That's what a person needs when he is lost in the mire of depression and misery. People that can take a hand in sorting him out, offering strategies, suggesting things he may not have thought of. Then, when that end point looms, he finds someone there that has a little extra strength or ability to spare and offers it. I can't be alone in this - there must be many others who need advocacy.

When I thought about doing the book, it was based on this. Instead of some insipid tome of played-out happy-talk and fodder to make more victims, I thought I might offer constructive and specific paths to slash through the morass. If I suffer but it is for cause, then the suffering has purpose. Purpose is what I and everyone else needs to survive.

I think it's a wonderful premise for a book. I cited one example before, but your comments remind me of another, on a more delicate topic - mental health. I had been "instructed" to go down to the local mental health institution to get help after an unfortunate lapse in judgement in a mediation meeting or my ex's lawyer and mediator would have used my mental state as a reason to give my ex custody of my kids. Oddly enough, the person who offered help was the Children's Aid Worker who had been assigned when my ex was reported to them by a third party some months earlier for hitting them. I all but told the lawyers to report me to him (as they should have if they sincerely cared about my kids) and not make a custody issue of it because I trusted him more than the lawyers -he knew I adored them and wouldn't lay a hand on them. So he did his duty and came by to see what I was up to and when he got my version (he'd already got everybody else's), he suggested he go with me. Kind of weird, the person who SHOULD have the power to take my kids away was actually offering his help to sit with me at a mental institution until somebody bothered to see me. And he had the foresight to arrange for my kids to be picked up from school in case it took all day to be seen by somebody. As it turns out, they did need the pickup. I was just too far gone to think that far ahead. So needless to say, I did take him up on his offer and long story short that led to me finding my "Miracle Worker" therapist that I am currently seeing.

I called my ex-wife. Not something one does willingly without compelling reason. She did medical records work and coding. I suspected something amiss because both last summer and this winter are a repeat almost to the last period. She told me of up-coding - where for financial enhancement a non-essential or even inappropriate medical procedure or test is done in place of the proper one. No one speaks of them and it is done on a wink-wink basis. If not documented, it is hard to prove.

I also found that the control for these is in the patient's hands - if he knows it exists and can stay cool. I was asked to undergo the general anesthesia, probably because Medicare pays much more for it than for conscious sedation. When I balked and began to ask questions, I was asked if that meant I was refusing to accept the doctor's advice. If I had said yes, I could expect to be dropped or pushed on to the next doctor - a convenient and common way people with Medicare are denied service and never even know it happened. Eventually, you become either a willing co-conspirator at potential health risk, or you die.

So in a cruel and devious way, those who are least able to deal with this predation and abuse become the most likely victims. Others with more social power don't experience it or generally know of its existence and so tend to scoff at or fail to believe the signs and proofs. All you do is call the patient mentally compromised or lacking in rational thought or uncooperative and you can laugh the truth away. Unless they have someone to help them and stand by them - an advocate.

Solution? I must be prepared to go in and act as if I intend to follow this scam up-coding. However, I must also provide a reason why it can't be done AND have a witness to this. At that point they will almost certainly decide to back off and do the simpler, cheaper, and less destructive procedure for fear that they could do actionable damage. Advocacy for myself by myself and by at least one other. Sad that to counter a scam you have to perpetuate one, though, isn't it?

. Wow! Perhaps at this point, you just need to consider it a game. One that you plan on winning with superior strategy! Do whatever you have to do, even take a mini tape recorder in if you feel it would give you an edge. I've found that to be a wonderful way to hold untrustworthy people to account. May not be totally Kosher but I have found it to be effective. And when it is, you revel in the fact that you managed to get just a little bit of your power back.

[IrmaJean]

DM, I admire your determination to see this through. Advocacy for yourself sounds like a great plan. I'm rather emotionally depleted at the moment (schoolwork is frying my brain), but wanted you to know I'm in your corner. I hope that you are able to get the MRI done in the manner it needs to be done to best serve you. I wish you well.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Deadman,

the medical people seem lost somewhere up their collective anal sphincters.

Do you mean they have their heads up their asses?

Some do but, most often, the problem is that, more and more, medical people are forced to do what the insurance companies demand and what they demand is just what you described: the least expensive route.

Allan

[Guest deadman]

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[Athena]

DM,

You absolutely should have a right to get a copy of your medical records from your GP. There are folks (advocates?) who help people get their disability insurance accepted and one of the first things they say is to get a copy of your medical records to ensure that your doctor has written down all the pertinent information. I believe some of these were American sites that I came across. I can't recall where you live, but in Canada, they have a "Privacy Act", which until recently I thought was a royal pain in the ass, causing tons of extra paperwork for everybody. However, I had to invoke my right to access my records held at the insurance carrier the other day when the insurance company didn't want to send me a copy of what I had signed. Worked like a charm.

[Athena]

Oh, and by the way, I just discovered my itouch has a voice recording area under "utilities". I would presume iphones have this feature and perhaps other cellphones too. Maybe you could borrow somebody's if you don't have one? Only thing is, I don't know the maximum recording time. Anyway, it doesn't take long to tell the technicians exactly what you DO and DO NOT want and get it on record along with their acknowledgement.

[Guest deadman]

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[Athena]

DM,

I do wish you the best of luck. When is your MRI, I don't recall? I'm thinking we can all send some positive energy your way and perhaps you can at least imagine you have several advocates there in the room with you as moral support. Sounds like you have a plan to cover the rest and keep everybody accountable. Your experience is looking more and more worthy of a book, perhaps followed by a documentary or movie. Perhaps Al Gore and Hilary Clinton would be interested?

BTW, what do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

Answer - A good start.

(my apologies to any lawyers with morals who may possibly exist and be happening to read this)

[Guest deadman]

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[Athena]

HA HA HA:D Another good one! I wish you the best Tuesday then. Will be thinking about you. I hope you are comforted knowing you have done this extra self-advocacy up front. Sounds like people are on your side for a change (even if you had to nudge them a little to get there!)

[Athena]

DM,

So it is Tuesday. I hope everything went well. My thoughts were with you today.

[Guest deadman]

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[chatterbox512]

HI DM,

I am glad that things went well for you with the testing. I hope you get the results you are looking for!!. Thinking about you!!

[Athena]

DM,

I'm glad the procedure went well and hope your sore throat and hiccups have gone away. Hope you get a good solid diagnosis and can start to correct the problem.

I was thinking today that what you (and I and possibly many others around here) need is to simply win some battles. To feel like we finally came out on top instead of on the losing end of the stick. To laugh fate in the face and say "Hey - things are changing around here". I think you can chalk this up as a win and I wish many more for you going forward!

[Guest deadman]

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[IrmaJean]

I'm glad things went okay for you, DM. Maybe you might try enjoying the small win and the pleasure from it? It could be the beginning of things turning around for you. I'm sorry that you've had friends let you down in the past.

loyalty' date=' integrity, fairness, or even concern for the next guy[/quote']

The fact that you recognize the meaningfulness of such things says a lot about you, I think.

Take care today.

[Guest deadman]

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[Athena]

I've recently seen people who I would have sworn were friends turn tail and run. In the process I've really taken a screwing and it's like their attitude is that their continued little pleasures trump such things as loyalty, integrity, fairness, or even concern for the next guy. It's making me feel pretty lousy to have people treat me so badly and not appear to even have a bit of conscience problems over it. I don't like it and have no idea how to fit in such an amoral and self-absorbed world.

The saying should be "When the going gets tough, all the so-called friends disappear." I have heard that this is quite common, it certainly is in my case. Intense anger in particular seems to repel people. It's almost like they're afraid they'll catch something. So I think it is fear that drives them away. There is one other aspect that drives people away - they have their own crap going on - some of which you may not be aware of. The 5 people I have confided in most lately have got depression (2), morbid obesity (1), inoperable cancer (1), been raped in their teens (2), huge financial problems (3). I was not aware of many of these problems when I launched into my issues. I seriously think that they simply do not wish to hear about my problems because they are grappling with their own. I try to remember to ask how they are doing before they get a chance to ask me as it's hard for me to simply say "OK" when things aren't OK at all. Although when I have a good day, I have recently allowed myself to say "fabulous", and that has shocked the hell out of me. However, if it is true in that particular moment, why not say it? It sticks in your memory, and you need to start gathering positive memories to offset all the bad ones.

So seeing anything that could be called a win is truly a pleasure. After a while you get beat down so hard and so far that you feel like you'd need a step-ladder to reach up and scratch your toes. Can't help thinking, though, that no good thing goes un-punished and I dread finding out what this small win will end up costing me.:eek::eek::eek:

Maybe turn that thinking around and say "I can win, I just proved it, now what did I do differently here?" If I recall, you went in calm and prepared. Hmmm, now that I think of it, I recently won a battle in exactly that manner - I was calm and prepared in the face of a threatening individual and his bullies. I called his bluff and he folded. Mean dogs can smell fear, same with mean people I think, and they will totally take advantage of it. In the past, he barked and I jumped. No longer.

I wish those failures were in the past. In the last few months there have been several and the damage has not ceased. I have to deal with some of this Monday - trying to get someone to understand that a debt due to an old cripple is just as valid as any other. What makes people decide that disability justifies abuse? I swear, it's as if people have decided that because I am having so much trouble that they need to add to it - or perhaps they just think that I am in such bad shape that they can do these rotten things with impunity.

People will pick on people who are perceived as easier targets (Canada is in the midst of drafting new laws to combat the rampant elder abuse in this country). Fortunately your brain appears to still be working and that's what you'll mostly be needing to fight a financial issue. What is the other party's weakness? Can you threaten them and make them squirm? Is there anything they don't want public? Can you go up the ladder? Do you have something in writing that you may have overlooked? Can you be the biggest pain in the ass for them that they'll pay just to make you go away? Who can you enlist to back you up? Do what you need to do so that you don't feel like you're showing up to a gunfight with a knife. Best of luck Monday!

[Guest deadman]

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[Athena]

It seems, though, that kicking a friend when he's down is hardly a way to resolve your problems. The most recent one I spent significant time and effort helping salvage his business. His repayment is to ignore what he promised in return and spend all his time playing with his toys.

. People who ask for money from their "friends", especially for a business venture - are usually bad luck. If you can apply any of my earlier suggestions, go for it. You don't have to be mean about it, just businesslike. I recently made a similar mistake, not for a business but for somebody who told me she was about to be kicked out of her apt just before Christmas. She's been hiding from me ever since, waiting for her deadbeat ex to get his paycheque to her so she can pay me back. I'd like the chance to talk to her AND her ex, as I think the situation is salvageable unless she goes for bankruptcy. Two peas in a pod - neither one has any sense of accountability.

Good show! I rarely muster that kind of thing. I fear so much that something I will do or say will put me in the way of another torturer that I tend to fold. I guess this is another area where a win would be crucial, eh? For example, to know that the head torturer was sacked in disgrace or suffered a painful lingering death instead of just being put into a computer room where he'd have less public contact. None of the others involved even got a slap on the wrist. Hard to equate justice with that. Point is, I can only imagine how that sort of victory feels and I envy you for it. Some of us will never get there so you should know this.

Mine was a small victory. He is already making his next move. I suspect the shit will hit the fan in the next few days. No wonder my back is all knurled up again! Just remind myself - calm and strategic. Don't react. Put your poker face on.

Part is that if I take harsh tactics, then I reduce myself to their status. My ex wife used to take advantage of her intimate knowledge of me and my own personal weaknesses (we all have them and try to protect them) and humiliate me. I had equal knowledge and more talent to use words and could easily have driven her into the ground verbally. I could not because I knew the pain behind it and could not make myself be that cruel no matter how she hurt me. That's probably stupid as hell, but I do not regret my behavior.

If I use what I know to threaten or even act on those threats that I could easily use to force them to complete their end of the bargain, I become something I do not want to be. How can you decry the acts of thugs if you are one? If you complain about others inflicting needless pain, how can you do it.. Ha Ha!! You have just proven once and for all YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER;). How does self defense fit in? How does protecting your boundaries fit in? Are they not allowed for you? OK, you do not want to be aggressive, like them, how about being assertive? But please, please, don't be passive. I've had a lifetime of that and it's nearly destroyed me. I'm trying my darnedest to unlearn it.

[Guest deadman]

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[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi DM,

Is it true that Everyone rejects you? Are you rejecting or forgetting people who do accept you? I ask because its easier for all of us to remember and count the bad happenings rather than the good ones.

I can't think of anyone who is able to "contaminate others." At the very least, you are suffering from terrible and awful self hate that probably has its orignins in childhood. A person can come to many self conclusions about rejection other than feeling like a "monster."

Of course, my response to what to do about changing these things is to go to therapy. In fact, I suspect group therapy might be good for you. Thats just a guess. However deep meditation, yoga and exercise can really help: not cure, but help. What about looking for and remembering those instances where someone showed they do like you?

Allan

[Guest deadman]

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[IrmaJean]

Do you get any relief from talking here, DM? We haven't rejected you. You seem to have established connection here just fine, though I understand this type of environment is very limited. If I were a therapist, I would gladly see you face-to-face, though likely this is about 10 years off in the distance.

Remembering instances where I thought people accepted me forces me to see that these associations were made solely so people could use me' date=' take advantage of my stupidity and naivete, and then drop me like used toilet paper when they were done.[/quote']

This is not the way that a true friend would treat you. What others have done and what has happened in the past doesn't necessarily have to repeat itself. The next friends you make might be loyal, caring and trustworthy. I hope you don't give up trying or at least are willing be open to the possibility.

[Guest deadman]

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