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patience


nathan
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ok.

I feel impatient with the following : school classes, people, games, roles, the interaction between women and men, the slantedness and tediousness of it, my self, my own bodily functions, my sleeplessness, concepts in general, especially social conventions, my own thinking, my own, as well as other s shortcomings, my city, the food I eat, my job, ethnocentric cliques, basically everything that pops into my daily awareness.

I need to run fast. I feel like killing. I am not actually going to kill something, but I feel like I have more than enough energy to. And then just continue running farther. I want to feel scared. I need to fight for the sake of fighting.

And what else... I shoudl be able to deal with these things that I am impatient about, and I usually do, but impatience always wins, and end up messing things up.

I spend too much time watching, not enough time doing. my impatience builds from that. But I am obsessed with watching.

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Wokay ... That's quite a list. Thank you for slowing down long enough to make it.

Is it possible that that speed, or drive, might be a problem for you? Where does the need come from; is it anxiety or excess energy, or something else?

Some of it may just be life, of course; I remember being impatient with much of the social world, too, when I was younger. And on the outside, looking in ...

"Should" is always an interesting word, when it pops in. Is it worth examining who said you should?

I'm not sure I'm helping much. In fact, I'm pretty sure I just made you more impatient. ;-) We old people tend to do that ... I think it might help you to try to put more words to this, though I know it will be difficult. Something wants to be heard, though.

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okay well. I am in a very 'need to kill somthing' mode right now so it may be hard to put my thougths down into words. BUT I will try becuase I appreciate that you are here.

I think you are right about the 'should' part. When I tell myself that I 'should do something, I may well repressing something. Or are there other potential problems with ' shoulds' ?

As far as anxiety or excess energy , I think, I mena I have always had problems with anxiety in my past. But I don't get anxious too often anymore, I feel like I have mastered it... Then of course, perhaps, to what extent, if any, has my so called 'mastery' actually repressed or masked some anxiety?? maybe I am repressing anxiousness, if that is possible. Maybe that repressed anxiety manifests in the exterior world as access energy???

I think It would probably have the opposite affect, I think if I was repressing some anxiety, it would exhaust me....becuase I would be holding onto tiresome worries and thoughts.

ANYWAY.

I am not sure where this need coes from. But it comes. Its not liek this all the time. II get spurts of it, and I have gotten introuble in the past for it.

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I think it may be something to do with being younger like you said.

Like I havnt yet properly accepted or included certian things in my life.

And on second thought, I think my anxiety is somehow connected to my excess energy. In what way, I am not sure. I am always very aware of my anxiety when I feel it.

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yes I have. Found it exceptionally unhelpful in terms of understanding anything. Although talking to someone was nice as I dont have anyone close enough to talk about myself like that.

If my problem is anxiety, it is a very insidious anxiousness. I have no problem being around people, leading concersations, and I usually have a very strong 'presence'. Its not like I curled up and hide behind my fears.

I really dont't get anxious anymore. But I used to, very much so.

But if anxiety is somewhere to blame, and if I feel like I am no longer anxious, then I think it is more of a conditioning that developed from my past anxiety. What my past anxiety prevented me from doing before, conditioned me in a way that prevents me from doing things now. I think it developed habits.

Those habits are the cause of my excess energy, consequently, my impatience. haha maybe thats why I want feel scared, it became a habit. Maybe thats why I want to fight, becuase in my previous anxiousness, it felt liek I was preparingto fight. Maybe thats why I feel like running. All symptoms of anxiousness, symptoms that became who I am, things that I still cling onto.

Or hell, maybe I am still anxious. A really insidious anxiousness.

Edited by nathan
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