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Throw my life away?


Guy Out There

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Here in the simplest form i can think to express it, is the question i am facing right now..

'Do i gamble my future for a better present or do i gamble my present for a better future?'

If i give everything up right now, and just get treatment, get everything i need to get my mental health under control then i risk ruining my career, but right now if i do nothing i have to endure this torture but at least i may be able to keep my career on track (until i run out of energy to fight anymore).

I don't know what to do, i feel helpless and i feel useless also..

Why have i become this? This is not who i am, it is not who i ever was, so many events have damaged my character, my personality, sometimes i wish i could rewind time but then i would have to go through everything again, not a good idea.

Just recently as i emerge from one 'crisis' i begin on a new adventure, attempting to solve the secrets of the universe. I have a good idea how it works (very scientific), reading this you may think i'm crazy. I guess your right but i'm not delusional (thats what they all say but its true when you have proof)..

Some of the craziest people in the world are also the most creative, madness is the heart of miracles.

I think i've side tracked a bit from my original point so i'll keep this last part short.. I'm stuck, i don't know what to think anymore, don't know what to do.

Why i am posting this here, i do not know, perhaps because i am crying for someone to help me, i guess this really is crisis number 'one too far', what does a broken man do?

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It's an excellent question, Guy. But the answer depends on a definition only you know: what's a future?

If a future is a career of unhappiness, that's one choice.

If a future is happiness, plus maybe some other way of making a living, that's another.

I know which I would choose. In fact, did choose; my work knows about my hospital stay. Maybe I'll never get another clearance, but I consider that their loss. ;-)

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It's an excellent question, Guy. But the answer depends on a definition only you know: what's a future?

If a future is a career of unhappiness, that's one choice.

If a future is happiness, plus maybe some other way of making a living, that's another.

I know which I would choose. In fact, did choose; my work knows about my hospital stay. Maybe I'll never get another clearance, but I consider that their loss. ;-)

Thanks for your answer, when you look at it that way, i guess i know which path i should take. A new career, a fresh start i think that might be a way. The trouble is i would have to gamble so much. I can put so much on the table and risk loosing it all but have a chance of winning good health and the benifits it brings.. It's tough. I wish there were a way to tamper with the odds.

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