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Never had a girlfriend and am now in a supposedly symphatetic area in that regard...


Xander
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I did a post about my relationship-troubles on these forums a while back. I guess I managed to focus on other matters for a bit altough I would lie if I claimed I forgot about my issues altogether. In short I am 26 and a virgin and well, as fate would have it I have changed locales and am now in a more exotic place for a while. It's for studies and for one semester there will be a balance between school and doing stuff like traveling, partying and chilling.

The problem is that I have felt this bottomless fear clawing at me on certain occasions. I feel quite a bit of pressure because people at home know that I am a bit gloomy and depressed by nature, so they have seemed to look forward to me going to this supposedly "sunny and happy place".

Then there's the girlfriend issue. I will admit there are a ton of opportunities for meeting people here, but I still feel like I am falling behind in that regard. The biggest problem however is that I really hate clubs, and so far it seems that that is the number 1 thing to do at nights. I get this intense chill and sense of panic in these kinds of environments because I really hate dancing and I find it really hard to socialize in these places.

I am basically a dreamer at home and usually in these situations where I "escape" from the things other people seem to enjoy so much I usually wind up in front of the computer to see some movie or play some games. However, I haven't really found it that enjoyable when I'm here since I have still felt an urge to do stuff with people. Most days have seemed pretty promising at the first half but then I have been disappointed by my social accomplishments at evening or night. I have cried quite a bit when coming home at nights so far because I am so terrified my fear will ruin everything here, but the biggest fear I have is that I have kind of built up this whole "adventure" as this new, cool and maybe final forum where I would have a decent chance of meeting a girlfriend. I don't know if I could take the feeling when traveling back home having to acknowledge that I could squander even this kind of "golden opportunity" as some people would see it.

I will add that I have been seeing a shrink back home and she said that I should make the most of it but don't get ridicilous expectations. That is along the lines of what my friends back home said, and even though they liked to hint at the possibility of me meeting a girlfriend here in this exotic locale they were quick in trying to bring me back to earth again. Still, people back home managed to meet girl- and boyfriends a LOT before I left so I got even more manic about the whole thing just before take off. I will point out though that school start out next week, and that is a forum I am better at socializing in so I still feel some hope, but I would appreciate some pointers on what I could do to ease the anxiety here.

Edited by Xander
title not accurate enough
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Hi Xander, welcome to the forum. :)

I've been single for 9 years now. I hate clubs too. My consolation is that the people I might meet there probably aren't my type anyway.

There must be other people who don't like clubs. How would you be able to find them? Do you have some kind of hobby or enthusiasm? Maybe you will find people there? Or offer to walk someone's dog for them. It gives you something to be busy with when you meet people and dogs are like magnets to each other, so you can steer the dog in the path of anyone who looks promising. :D

High expectations foster anxiety. The daily disappointment and feeling of failure takes it toll. It's so hard just to relax when you feel you must use the opportunity and all the chances you get. What would happen if you didn't meet anyone while you were there at all? How would you feel? If you can face this prospect, anything else would be better, wouldn't it? That might help with the expectations and help you to "win" more. How does that sound to you?

You can now post anywhere, btw. You might like to ask this question in the Virginity forum? Let me know and I will move your thread for you to any place you want it.

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Thanks for the response. I don't think the dog-strategy will work since this is an exchange-programme and I haven't even seen any dogs here. I guess this post belongs in the relationship-forums, the virginity-thing doesn't bother me as much as my forming friendly bonds with people on this thing I'm doing right now and hopefully getting a romantic bond with someone in the process.

I guess I have to take things as they come, but I am bad at that. I worry about these things constantly, even back home and the deathtrap I constantly walk into is comparing myself to others. I think it is prudent to point out the different ranges of failure, and I will probably come out of it unscathed even without a girlfriend after this trip, but I must also hope you know? Without hope one cannot function, but it gets hard to keep the hopes up after so many disappointments. Also I'm absolutely terrified of rejection, I have NO idea what people talk about when they say rejection isn't a big deal since I find it absolutely devastating.

Edited by Xander
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  • 2 months later...
Thanks for the response. I don't think the dog-strategy will work since this is an exchange-programme and I haven't even seen any dogs here. I guess this post belongs in the relationship-forums, the virginity-thing doesn't bother me as much as my forming friendly bonds with people on this thing I'm doing right now and hopefully getting a romantic bond with someone in the process.

I guess I have to take things as they come, but I am bad at that. I worry about these things constantly, even back home and the deathtrap I constantly walk into is comparing myself to others. I think it is prudent to point out the different ranges of failure, and I will probably come out of it unscathed even without a girlfriend after this trip, but I must also hope you know? Without hope one cannot function, but it gets hard to keep the hopes up after so many disappointments. Also I'm absolutely terrified of rejection, I have NO idea what people talk about when they say rejection isn't a big deal since I find it absolutely devastating.

I think we may have talked before? I am in the same boat except a few years older.

I have made some progress. I'll tell you the things helping and where I am still getting caught up. For me it is about the baby steps. First was flirting.. just talking to women that I am attracted to.

I have a huge phobia of rejection as well, and just flirting doesn't hurt it much because if they are too rude to talk.. then they are jerks and I don't want to be around them anyway.

Rules I picked up that is changing things for me.

Icebreakers. Simple one line things.. not cheesy jokes to open up a conversation. Even talking about the weather works.

Ask open ended questions that involve more than a yes or no answer.

If the conversation last for more than a few minutes and she picks up it during the silent spots, ask her out (only if your relaxed) expecting a no.

If you get a yes you will be really happy.. trust me on this one :)

Hang ups for me is the nerves that comes from my rejection phobia..

it makes me uneasy and women pick it up.

Also I have a huge learning curve when it comes to dating since I have not been on too many dates. I can't read body language well, nor do I know when I am being rejected or not.

Also now I am making progress I see I have a slight fear of intimacy.. and jealousy of those who seem to be relaxed in it. Not sure what this means yet as I just figured it out.

As for those that say just brush off your feelings and toughen up, they are not you. Each of us is unique. Things that bother one person will not for another. They have not walked in your shoes. Being our age not dating, likely you were bullied as well.. it does something to you. But have hope I am making progress you will too!

Hey I went out on a date with someone I just met at a store (very cute!!!).. it can be done!!

Edited by randomperson
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