I can't take this anymore!!

[Guy Out There]

My life is just one hard fight after another and as many of you will know, the more you fight the less you can and eventually you get to the point where you couldn't give a shit anymore.

The last straw was today, i got asked by someone if i could do some comedy for an old friend, thats fine apart from a few 'tiny' things... I don't do 'comedy' (at least not now since my mental health dived into depression).. Secondly, rather than explain i was unable to perform anymore, i said 'ok, i'll think about it', thus making saying the word 'no' even tougher and increasing the disappointment for them (and for me).

Realizing that this is just adding to a massive web of lies has pushed me right to the edge, if i cross that line then hell knows what would happen... I am in serious danger of breaking apart completely and i can feel typing this the cracks are getting wider and wider..

i don't know what to do, i will call my therapist today and explain that i have broken down (she is seeing me tomorrow but it really can't wait)...

until then i just don't know what to do anymore, do i disappear off the face of the earth and leave so much behind, tear a hole in so many peoples hearts for the sake of my own sanity or do i stay here and break down in secret, loosing my mind and with it, any chance of a future.

I've lost so much, it makes me so angry with myself, how could i have let it all fall apart like this. Damn my stupid life.........:mad:

[CantGiveItAway]

Youve been triggered....take a deep breath

I think we can come up with afew better options then disappearing off the earth. I dont know if your talking about performing onstage or not, but can you tell your friend that you thought about it and you arent really feeling up to it and maybe you can just give him some old jokes you might have laying or something.

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Guy, you didn't lie, you bought yourself time for an answer and that can be good. You have time to think about the way you'd like to say no now. You say you can't perform, because you're depressed, that is a good reason, it's too difficult at the moment.

You can decide now if you want them to know that reason or who you want to know that reason. Even if you didn't mind them knowing the reason, you had "I'm unable to perform anymore" in your head and I can see how painful this is. It hurts and sounds very final and if I had tried to say that to people, I'd probably break down in tears. You might be able to perform again, though. Maybe just not now. Maybe it's not a good time.

It's not a lie to think about how you want to give an answer.

If you don't feel up to tell people exactly how you feel, you can choose an answer that they'll find easier to understand. I don't know if you would think of it as a lie again, but you are actually not up to it, because you're having a lot of stress and need to take some time off performing at the moment. Or not? You could also think about suggesting an alternative, perhaps? You can also say that you can't enjoy performing at the moment. I want to see the friend who says "well, do it anyway".

All in all, you don't need to function all the time, that's okay. But it sounds like you would like to find someone close to you, who you can trust to tell them what is really going on for you?

S.

[shanrucas]

Guy, I agree with both SomethingOrOther and Can't....this has triggered into a panic, but you also have given yourself time. If you don't want to do it, no one can blame you at this time. You can tell you friend that you thought about and are just really not up to it, no explainations should be necessary, if they insist on knowing why, just say you haven't been feeling well or something of that nature.

Im glad you are going to be bouncing this off therapist about this, they may have better ideas on handling this.

You are to much of a valued member to disappear off the face of the earth.

and your life is not stupid, no one here has a stupid life, we all have our challenges however and thats why we are here for each other.

Shannon

[Lindamomof7]

................

[Guest ASchwartz]

Guy,

I agree with what everyone has said here: this was no lie.

It seems that its difficult for you to say, "No." Its never too late to say the word NO. In fact, you need not give this person an explanation. Just say, NO.

I suspect that your frustration, depression over this and your panic has to do with cleary asserting what you do and do not want.

What do you think?

Allan

[Guy Out There]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and reassurances, i must admit to you that my problems extend far past this situation.. Suddenly, on reflection, this whole panic seems insignificant. You are right, i was triggered and i guess all i have to do is explain that i 'don't feel up to it', i'll say something about not having time to write jokes or some other excuse..

Every time i feel my head, there is a scar.. It puts me in their control, i can't tell anyone, they just think i'm crazy (who could blame them?). I didn't contact my therapist today, i will see her tomorrow, and my doc also. I managed to convince one of my therapists that i'm not making things up, the other one doesn't care, if i tell my doc he'll lock the door until the nurses arrive and drag me off..

Sorry for wasting your time everyone, i know you tried to help me and over these difficult times i've found your support the rock i could cling to.. Without this site and it's wonderful community i would have been without anyone to turn to. I must go away now, maybe i'll come back, maybe nobody will ever see me again.. That all depends on how much people care.

Look after yourselves.. ~Guy.

[Athena]

Sorry for wasting your time everyone, i know you tried to help me and over these difficult times i've found your support the rock i could cling to.. Without this site and it's wonderful community i would have been without anyone to turn to. I must go away now, maybe i'll come back, maybe nobody will ever see me again.. That all depends on how much people care. Look after yourselves.. ~Guy.

You're not wasting anybody's time, Guy. We CHOOSE to be here and listen to you and TRY to help in our own unique ways. I care about you Guy and worry about the tone of your words because I know, I've been there, felt what you're feeling and I cannot honestly say what I am capable of when I start talking like that. At the end of the day, I think I have a slight shred of hope that things will change for the better and that keeps me going. What gives you hope?

[Lindamomof7]

.................

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Guy,

I wish you did not leave us. Please reconsider. We are here for you. However, if you must, we will try to understand and I hope you will return sometime soon. Still, I hope you choose to say. I never like losing a community member.

Allan

[Guest SomethingOrOther]

Guy, I’m glad this problem doesn’t look so overwhelming anymore, but I also think making some excuse is just an option that might be the least painful at the moment, not something you would actually want, if the circumstances were different and that might be why it hurts. So, there is ways to ship around this cliff, but I didn’t assume it’s the only cliff. Maybe it’s just the one above sea level. (And you usually go by plane.)

I hope things will go okay with your therapist. Is there a way to open up about the „crazy“ things just a bit, in a careful way? I don’t know what it is you’d have to explain and if this is possible, to open up in such a way that the control stays in your hands. But I hope you will find some understanding.

Best wishes,

S.

[Guy Out There]

As much as i wish to think otherwise, it just seems the only way to cure my pain is to leave everything behind and either start again or **(don't want to say it).

The trouble is there are people in my life who i don't want to leave, medication would ruin my life, so would ect or surgery.. I am quickly running out of time and no other options are surfacing, i really feel so terrible.

I had such plans for my life, it's just a shame that my mental health wants to get in the way. To make things harder, certain 'dark forces' are a constant threat to me (and have helped ruin my life).

Take Care..

[Luna-]

Guy - I'm curious as to why you say that medication would ruin your life? It's not a criticism, I'm just wondering what you've tried and why you say that.