Hoping for the end

[bezoman]

I hate everything. I wish that the sun would explode and destroy us all. If I were religious, I would pray for it.

I guess this is what happens when my self-hatred inverts.

[bezoman]

..........

[bezoman]

I am so angry and I have no idea why.

[bezoman]

In the last 20 minutes I have:

Posted angry rants on a message board.

Been banned from that message board.

Posted angry ranty statuses on my facebook account.

Deleted said angry ranty statuses from my facebook account.

Deactivated my facebook account.

Reactivated my facebook account.

Fantasized about killing everyone I see.

Cried.

Posted here.

Posted here again.

Hit refresh 400 times.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

[bezoman]

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[bezoman]

Hit refresh 786 times.

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[bezoman]

I'm going to bed.

I hope I don't wake up.

[bezoman]

I have no idea why I was so angry. It just hits me. That's part of the reason I lost my job. I'm sorry for my posts.

[malign]

No apology needed, Bezo.

It must be very difficult for you, while it's happening.

Have you talked to someone about what happens?

Maybe there's something that can be done to help you.

[bezoman]

I've tried in therapy. It's very difficult to describe. It's even more difficult to control. The only way I know to protect those around me is to remove myself from their presence when it happens.

[malign]

Could it be a medical thing? Have you checked with a doctor?

At least they might be able to give you something that takes the dangerous edge off.

I took anger management classes at one point, myself. Not sure whether they "worked" ... I learned some things, and I'm less angry now, but I can't really say what made me feel better. There are lots of things, I guess. No one's routinely calling me names, any more, for one thing ...

I hope you find your "something", though.

[bezoman]

If it was triggered by something, then traditional anger management may work, but it appears to be triggered by nothing at all. Granted, it's usually the result of a buildup of stress in my life but there is nothing triggering the actual outburst.

I don't know how else to describe it.

I'll try though. I'll use a metaphor.

I have a very long fuse, but a hair trigger.

Does that make any sense?

[malign]

Some. A lot of people who stuff away their anger find that it all comes out at once, some time later. That sort of thing might be helped by learning how to let it out slowly.

I would also wonder about why some times are worse than others. There could still be something medical in there.

I don't know anything for sure, honestly. That's why I would check with any professional you can.