trial separation

[qtzdue]

Kathy asked me to sleep at home only Sunday-Tuesday. The rest of the days she doesn't want me to be here. I agreed to do what she has asked. She requested the separation because she feels that neither one of us are able to move forward with our progress of getting well. You see I am the primary reason why she is were she is today. I still can not believe that I disreguarded what she had offered me. I wanted so badly for someone to just love me for me and she did all the way to a nervious break down. I Even know she still loves me and I have not been able to return what she gives. I am going to continue working on myself. I just needed to write for some support because this is bringing up so many emotions. I am going to miss Alexis and Morgan our two daughters. I know that I am changing and continue to get better everyday. I do have hope, determination, strong will and every day more self assurance. I have even more than that within me. I know what my goal here is and I am going to rewrite it and add more details in every aspect of it. I have only my wieght on my shoulders and that is the way I have to keep. I truely want Kathy to achieve what she has set out too. Just can not write anymore now.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi qtzdue,

You report that Kathy experienced a "nervous breakdown" and that it happened because of you. I am not sure what you mean by a nervous breakdown? What I can tell you is that one person cannot cause another person to become mentally ill. People can become unhappy in their marriage, want a separation, be angry at their partner and even become sad and depressed. But, a nervous breakdown? No, not really.

What happened to cause this separation. If you posted this elsewhere please direct me to the forum where I can read up on all the information.

Allan:confused:

[qtzdue]

I was emotional, psychologically and physically abusive to Kathy. I would always have a negative comment ready to spit back at her no matter what she said. I never allowed anything that happened in our lives be about anybody but me. I used intimidation to control situations. I was so driven with what I was doing that nothing was ever my fault I told my self it was her want to control me that caused my behavior. I broke down Kathy's knowledge of who she was or what she could do to a point that she was suicidal. I know what I have done. I have taken responsibility for it and I am making positive steps to end my abusiveness. I know what is happening is the consiquence of my actions. I have made alot of the wrong choices in my life. What I did by choice even though I did not accept it then was bring Kathy as a person down to the level that I was at every point of our relationship. I know now I made most of my deccisions based on fear. All of the actions I took were to keep her in and drawn to everything me. I did it because I believed that being married meant that I was supposed to be in charge. I never trusted my self to know what I know now. My treatment of Kath caused her a relapse into an eating disorder she had not had in years. I made her feel small unloved and worthless. I always knew the whole time that everything I did was because I loved her. I am in such disbelief of how I justified my actions. I did not want it to be true. I know it is true. It went against eveything I planned to do to be a good friend, husband and father. I allowed myself to get so lost in my self that I can not honestly say and know for certain what I like on hamburger. That does not even sound possible right. Well I put mayonaise on one the other day and had the thought that it taste better than ketchup. I can not count how many times I have said a hamburger is only good with ketchup. Anyway I hope this helps with your questions.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi qzdue,

Yes, that helps a lot. Clearly, you are feeling enormous guilt about the ways in which you treated Kathy. Well, guilt can be a good thing in that it is helping you take responsibility for the ways you treated Kathy.

But, be careful. There is such a thing as "too much guilt." What I mean is that I agree with you that your behavior was hardly exemplary and that you made Kathy's life miserable. BUT: No one, not even you, can cause another individual to relapse into anything.

It's the old question of who is responsible for their drinking or drug abuse? The drug abuser or drinker would love to completely blame their wife or children or the economy or Russia( ). See what I mean? Kathy could have left you a lot sooner or told you to leave, etc. To that extent her relapse into her eating disorder has to do with her and not you. Yes, she was miserable, stressed, etc. However, the eating disorde stuff is not yours.

Take responsibility for what you did, for your behavior that resulted in the breakup.

One more thing: Too much guilt can lead to self punishment or, I should say, too much self punishment. Yes, you need to learn how to deal with your anger in better and healthier ways. Right now you are punishing yourself to an extent that is not healthy. You cannot change the past, but, you can learn, grow and move on to a better place for yourself.

Are you seeing a psychotherapist and, if so, how many times per week???

If not, why not and how do you feel about entering psychotherapy?

Allan

[John Rutledge]

deleted .....

Edited October 28, 2009 by John Rutledge

[qtzdue]

I have not had the ability until now to start seeing one. I recently switched jobs. I will also have to find a part time job to afford Kathy's and my individual counseling. I use to think I had some kind of disorder. Kathy has aksed me to get a full psychological evaluation to see if I do have more than just the abuse issues. She read my discharge papers from the military and thay wrote on it that I had a personality disorder. I never took any test or seen any therapist. I was sent to see a chaplain and he asked me if I wanted out I told him I did not know. and a couple weeks later I was given a honorable discharge under medical reasoning. I was young and making bad deccisions. I did not do this that directly affected anyone but they were wrong. I know that some times the guilt gets to me but I try to think about other things to get my mind off of it. I would say to the part about her being able to leave at any time. Put your self into her shoes or any womans shoes that has been though abuse. 1. they normally do not know it is happening until well into the relationship.2. they actually will believe it is thier fault they are the cause.3. they go to doctors who in Kathy's situation perscribe gas medicine for her aliments.4. it is like every other problem if you do not acknowledge it you hit bottom then slowly come back up.5.getting help comes with just as many demands on the woman if not more than the situation at hand. Iknow this becuase I have seen the struggle she has gone through to get help. Help comes at a price it does not allow for both people involved to seek help and work at while they are still together. The help is a fraud. I could be wrong and maybe I am biased. I only know what I have seen read and heard. please if you can change my psition.

[Kalima]

Hi,

Firstly I want to say that you are very brave. You have accepted you've made a mistake and want to rectify it. And it sounds like you actually mean it and intend in getting the right kind of help.

I see it from a slightly different view point. I grew up in an abusive family. Mostly it was my father belittleing and insulting my mother, physically, emotionally etc. Sometimes, though much rarer it was directed at myself or my sister.

I admit I do blame my father for his behaviour. He shouldn't have acted the way he did. However I personally also think my mother was responsible, not for what he did. But for choosing to put up with it. Which she is still doing to this day. I can't count the number of times I begged my mother to leave him, that I refered her to stuff I had found out that would help her to leave him if she wanted. They've been married 30 years now and I doubt they will ever change.

My mother has said to me over the years that if she would have left my dad she would have had no money to look after myself and my sister. Thats not true. I have even explained that it isn't true and why and where she could get free legal advice. People believe what they want to believe. For example, I have been told by my father throughout my childhood that I was pathetic and stupid. Yet I know that isnt the case, deep down I do believe the comment (a core belief perhaps) but I can also justify why it isn't true. Can look at the grades I got when I was a child and say a stipid person wouldnt have got a B in maths a year early. A stupid person wouldn't have got into university etc.. An adult can fight the suggestions another implants, they have a knowledge of the world and points of reference that will help them contradict another persons opinion if they repeatedly say things which are not true.

So I agree with Allan. You have some responsibilty but you shouldn't take all of it. You need to accept yourself, not punish and learn new skills to make you, a better you. You've owned up to behaving badly so now look forward. Make positive changes with your life.

Good Luck.

Edited October 19, 2008 by Kalima

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi John, Kalima and quetzdue,

Always good to hear from you, John. Frankly, I have always believed that the only people who really know how to speak English...are the English.

Yes, "nervous breakdown" is a very old fashioned term that is rarely used these days. Part of the reason that it has fallen out of use is that it always very vague. It referred to a range of things from deep depression with suicidal attempts all the way to a catatonic schizophrenia and everything in between.

John, your experience of attempting to drink your way out of your emotional problems is all too common. In other words, alcohol and drugs become attempts at self medication. Now, this may not be true in every case but it is very common. I am glad you are back to health. And, John, you are correct, I never will really retire.

Quetzdue, mental help is not a fraud and, in fact, there are always some excellent mental help practitioners who are willing to see people at greatly reduced fees. Also, and I am not suggesting this is right for you, sometimes coouples and family therapy really helps.

I really have seen wonderful cases of people who make great recoveries with psychotherapy. Some use medication and some do not. But, I can report that I have seen people get a second or third chance in life and really use therapy to adjust to happy and productive lives.

Allan