Can someone over come this????

[Livingdisaster]

So I was sexually abused as a child by my uncle, && u see I never really told anyone until now. Im 18 now and it's been difficult ever since my mom and dad found out. The problem is that we all agreed that if I wanted to tell someone it would have to be my choice, my say, but dad went on to tell my grandparents who are my uncles parents. Not only that but I decided to trust in a friend who've Ive known for years and tell him my story. He didn't take it so well so he tries to avoid me which is understandable but now that people know why do I feel so alone, I feel idk unaccepted? And that makes it worse so I've been cutting for years now but now it's at its climax.

The only solution I have comed up with to take these feelings away is by cutting. But sometimes when I cut it's like can you really keep on living with people knowing, and jundging me?

I feel .... Dirty? I feel like I don't belong. You know.

So the cuts been getting deeper and I don't want anyone to find out cuz if they do then what else would they think of me.

[finding my way]

Cutting is not the only solution, though I hear you say that is how you feel. I am so sorry you hurt this much, Living. :) I don't know your other threads; have you tried therapy? It is very difficult to live with so much pain, but it is possible to find another way. It may mean trying a few paths before you find yours...

[Athena]

LD,

I'm thinking of making a pact with one of my family members who has a problem. If she will stop her problem behaviour the next time she has the urge to engage in it, I will toss my razor blades (SI weapon) in the garbage. I have a really strong feeling that will work for me/us. Just that little bit extra motivation.

[mscat]

Athena,

Were you able to talk to the family member yet? I wanted you to know that Self injury can easily become an addiction , then the person turns towards self harm each time their is stress or something does not go right. Also, SI is different for everyone who does it. Different reasons as to why and how it makes you feel beforehand and afterwards. Sometimes what happens also is that the Self harming stops only to be picked up by anther addicted behavior. Such as drinking, gambling, anything to help the person cope.

Not quite sure if the pact will be strong enough for you not to turn towards cutting . Because a lot of times a person will try very hard to quit, and end up doing it anyway, only to find out that it makes them feel even worse and guilty of doing so.

Are you in therapy? Talking to a professional and being truthful always helps get the feelings out , rather then taking it out on yourself. Most professionals are trained to deal with people who self harm because it is so common now days.

I know from personal experience how bad Self harm can become. I have taken it to the extreme many times , and have unsightly deep scars that will be there forever. Now I have not Self harmed in quite a while which is a record for me.

Sometimes, trying to change your focus onto something positive helps. Putting all your energy into something you enjoy doing instead of SI. For now, that is how I am coping. I changed direction , placing my energy into my service dogs and taking care of them has made me stop . i do not know if it is forever , it is working as of now though.

[Athena]

Athena,

Were you able to talk to the family member yet? I wanted you to know that Self injury can easily become an addiction , then the person turns towards self harm each time their is stress or something does not go right. Also, SI is different for everyone who does it. Different reasons as to why and how it makes you feel beforehand and afterwards. Sometimes what happens also is that the Self harming stops only to be picked up by anther addicted behavior. Such as drinking, gambling, anything to help the person cope.

Not quite sure if the pact will be strong enough for you not to turn towards cutting . Because a lot of times a person will try very hard to quit, and end up doing it anyway, only to find out that it makes them feel even worse and guilty of doing so.

Are you in therapy? Talking to a professional and being truthful always helps get the feelings out , rather then taking it out on yourself. Most professionals are trained to deal with people who self harm because it is so common now days.

I know from personal experience how bad Self harm can become. I have taken it to the extreme many times , and have unsightly deep scars that will be there forever. Now I have not Self harmed in quite a while which is a record for me.

Sometimes, trying to change your focus onto something positive helps. Putting all your energy into something you enjoy doing instead of SI. For now, that is how I am coping. I changed direction , placing my energy into my service dogs and taking care of them has made me stop . i do not know if it is forever , it is working as of now though.

I'm fairly stable at the moment so i have managed to fend it off in the last couple of weeks. It is most definitely an addiction (only since April however which is good) and in the process of trying to stop it, I am slowly replacing it with other alternatives - some good, some not so good. Ironically, as much as alcohol is calling me, I messed up my system in my teens with an eating disorder, so i can't take much more than two drinks at a time. I've been a workaholic mother for 9 years which distracted me from my problems but resulted in more traumatic ones recently. So, in one form or another SI has popped up on and off throughout my life. Yes, I'm in therapy. In my heart, I know that's the only thing that will get to the root of the problem. All your suggestions are good ones, i just need to figure out how to slow down the reaction time to my triggers so I can stop all rationality from flying out the window.

[mscat]

So I was abused as a child by my uncle, && u see I never really told anyone until now. Im 18 now and it's been difficult ever since my mom and dad found out. The problem is that we all agreed that if I wanted to tell someone it would have to be my choice, my say, but dad went on to tell my grandparents who are my uncles parents. Not only that but I decided to trust in a friend who've Ive known for years and tell him my story. He didn't take it so well so he tries to avoid me which is understandable but now that people know why do I feel so alone, I feel idk unaccepted? And that makes it worse so I've been cutting for years now but now it's at its climax.

The only solution to take these feelings away is by cutting. But sometimes when I cut it's like can you really keep on living with people knowing, and jundging me?

I feel .... Dirty? I feel like I don't belong. You know.

So the cuts been getting deeper and I don't want anyone to find out cuz if they do then what else would they think of me.

Hey there,

Just wanted to tell you that a lot of people self harm. Perhaps your feeling very alone right now, but you are not. Yes, I know what that is like not to feel belonged, or different from everyone else. Then it is a cycle of self harm again and again.

now family members know about it, and a once close friend. I am sorry if your not getting the support you need from them. Most people who do not Self harm just don't understand . You are not dirty , ok? Try to place all those negative thoughts about yourself out of your mind and think of the good things about you. Seriously though, is it really that important what people think of you? Or is it more important how you feel about yourself?

Their are other alternatives to cope instead of cutting. I know it might help you feel better for a while, but then all those old feelings come rushing back. Nothing has changed, and then you just have more cuts on yourself , then they scar. Your right, eventually people are going to see those cuts.... they judge you for cutting? It is nobody elese's business . Tell whoever you trust, and who is not going to look down on you.

Self harm is pretty common these days. ANd it is different for every person who does it. Meaning it has different reasons why we do it . Remember though Self harm can become an addiction . Anything that goes wrong, or you are stressed out, the person turns to it for relief, even if the relief is short lived.

Try to find other ways of coping then cutting. I tell you something personal, I've been self harming off and on since the age 16. Well I am 42now. For me, it became extremely severe, to the point that people who see the scars would never guess it was done by me. A lot of me is scarred up severely. Remember that cutting is not the only way people self harm. What is not from self injury are tattoos.. Somehow I thought that would be good as a distraction to others then the severe burns I caused myself to have.

I have not done self harm in a while. Not a lot of places left to do so... Consider this as what can happen when Self injury becomes totally out of control , even though you think that your in complete control of it.

Be careful with Self injury, take care of those cuts, and PLease try not to go deeper and do more damage to yourself. Trust me, it truely is not worth it in the long run.

[Livingdisaster]

Your right it does become an addiction if anything I have a habit on relying on it since it is always there. I'm trying to avoid my self from cutting I've tried some coping mechanisms alone but I only managed 2 days until something triggered it. As for my friend he came around, he worries about me but I've only told him what had happened in the past. He doesn't know about the cutting but he's been getting suspicious because I always wear long sleeve shirts and hoodies. He keeps asking me if I'm alright and I automatically answer yes! With a big fake smile planted on my face. When inside im like no! I havent been ok for so long. Does that ever happen to you? Pretending that everything is fine when in reality it really isn't.

&& my grandparents are coming to visit and well they know now and I just feel like I want to disappear. Mayb? I should have kept my mouth shut and prevented this all from happening. Don't really know what to do now.

@ MsCat thank you very much for caring and taking your time to read my post and I will take the advise to heart. I'll think about stopping and finding a way healthier way to deal with it. Thank you!

[mscat]

I totally understand what you are going thorough. YES, their have been so many times that I have tried to hide it. Especially from my brother. He reminds me of your friend. But, their has been too many times that I have self injured it is dificult for my bro not to catch on. Just the other day he calls me and asks , So where did you burn yourself? Out of the blue he asks . I was taken back because i had not done so. He just asks when he thinks something is wrong. Even though I had not self injured he was thinking I had.

Wearing long sleeves , and stuff is so common with people who self harm . After the self harm is done, we do try our best to hide the fact their are new cuts or burns, or whatever means we used to hurt ourselves.

Are you in therapy? It helps to be able to talk to a professional who knows how to deal with self harm and to be honest about it, a therapist will not place you in a hospital for it . only if the person is wanting to kill themselves or others , will a person be hosptialized.

It is great that your trying to find other ways of coping. Truthfully that is the only way to really stop cutting. i know dor me, once i get started , it is extremely difficult not to continue self harming. It just makes sense to do so , even though in the back of my mind it is not the right thing . All we can do is try very hard to stop, and even then it is esay to fall back into the same self harming behaviors.

Keep writing in here, perhaps we can help each other out, when triggered. Try to write here "before" cutting. Because getting your thoughts and feelings out will help you control the behavior . I use to write that I had self harmed "after" doing it. But by then it is too late . Sometimes people who self injure realy feel a lot of guilt afterwards, or think of themselves that they are bad for cutting. All that is untrue.

I understand that it is embarassing for family members to know . Hopefully they are understanding and supportive, and want to help you, not give you the looks or judge you. that is the worst thing they can do.

My brother always is upset over it , but I know he does not quite understand. If your family becomes upset , it is only because they love you, and are probably feeling helpless in stopping you from doing self harm.

[Athena]

LD,

I totally get where you're coming from. And MSCAT has made a lot of good points. Here's something that helped me get clear about the problem - go down about 14 threads in this SI forum to the "How to help someone who self harms" by Tash28. Read it for yourself. Then print it off and give it to whoever you've already told who you believe honestly cares about you. People just don't get the cutting. Frankly, I'd never heard of it before, and I don't think I really understood it either at first. My sister called the cops on me. My daughter told her Dad who told the marital Lawyers, who tried to make a custody issue of it. My brother was unsupportive and said he thought I may be a danger to my kids. My cousin called out of the blue (duty or morbid curiosity?), we talked about it then I never heard from her again. That was all before I discovered this place.

I said to myself the other day, "I'm running out of body parts to cut" because I keep trying to hide it but for me, each place gets discovered - by my girls, who are way too young to have to learn about this stuff.

Try resisting it next time you get triggered. It helps. The next time you can maybe resist it because you have in the past. I was so close a few weeks ago, had the damn blade in my hand and just STOPPED. I decided the reason wasn't worthy. After that I was able to resist most of the time and only reverted when multiple crises hit (therapist on holiday, threats from ex, withdrawal from meds, disability income taken away). Well, that doesn't happen every day! I didn't beat myself up over not resisting THAT. That's the other thing, be kind to yourself. Don't judge yourself. Get curious about why you do it. Why that particular form of SI? Why that spot? Why that tool? Deep or shallow? Long or short? Are you popping a balloon or drawing a picture or needing the pain or need to see yourself bleed or ....? (My therapist took me down that path - he didn't suggest the reasons, he just asked me what it made me think of. The nice thing about it was the lack of judgement, and the path it took me down - I then stopped stressing over it, stopped judging myself).

Hope some of this helps. Keep posting. And make a trigger a reason to come here. It stopped me once.

[mscat]

That was an awesome post Athena:) you know how they say , "it takes one to know one" really fits when it comes to self injury. I remember whenIwas 16.and "discovered self injury" I did not know anyone who ever done so , and it became something "special" that I could do to myself to ease my internal pain .

Now, at 42, self injury has slowly gained less power over me. Several years ago I believe in my mid 30's I took it up again , after becomming severely depressed. It was so bad and severe, and kept getting worse and worse. Even though I was under Psych. care and talked to a therapist, I still continued. For me, it helped me feel real. Because i only felt numbness and was like I could watch myself do things , but it was like watching a movie.

I discovered more ways of SI that were absolutey to the extreme. Always ending up in the critical care unit. Last time was last year, and stayed there for a month. Since SI is not considered a sucicide attempt I knew excatly what to say to avoid a stay in the mental hospital. All that is left are these severe scars. That will not ever disappear. WHO KNEW self injury could get that bad? I never expected it to go that far.

I am now doing better with it though. Have not done it for a while. I just shifted focus onto something else that was more important then being in extreme pain .

It's never easy to stop something you have done for a while to cope. Cope with what is going on or to avoid something. Stress is a major trigger, so is feeling all alone.

I now have service dogs... They are my lifesavors. I accepted the fact my brother really cares and becomes so upset over it , that I do not want him to be in emotional pain over what I do to myself.

Sometimes it takes just one person to tell you that they care, and would do anything in the world for you , in order for you to stop.

With that all said, SElf injury is always there... ready to take a hold of me or you , all over again. Once starting it again it is so difficult to stop.

Truthfully , always remember when it is all done , the cutting, all that is left are the scars! nothing is solved . Maybe temporary relief, and then back to the same old stuff.

You have support in this community. Many of us understand.

[Guest]

Let me start by saying we are very similar other then the fact I haven't told anyone yet. I am 16 and when I was 8, things were done to me that would give anyone nightmares. I have not told anyone my secret for the same reason of what is happening to you, and I have only told one school class mate that I was beaten by my father and I use to cut. I don't tell anyone for fear they will avoid me or think of me as tainted goods and no longer want me in their life, or that the people I do tell will tell others when it's not their place to. I can't even tell my boyfriend, and when no one can be trusted or turned to your world can become very lonely as mine has. When my grandmother found out I was cutting she thought I was trying to kill myself that was a horrid day. But I am proof that you can over come cutting at the very least but the other stuff I can't say for I am not over it and don't think I will ever be, unless someone wiped my memories.

[Livingdisaster]

Let me start by saying we are very similar other then the fact I haven't told anyone yet. I am 16 and when I was 8, things were done to me that would give anyone nightmares. I have not told anyone my secret for the same reason of what is happening to you, and I have only told one school class mate that I was beaten by my father and I use to cut. I don't tell anyone for fear they will avoid me or think of me as tainted goods and no longer want me in their life, or that the people I do tell will tell others when it's not their place to. I can't even tell my boyfriend, and when no one can be trusted or turned to your world can become very lonely as mine has. When my grandmother found out I was cutting she thought I was trying to kill myself that was a horrid day. But I am proof that you can over come cutting at the very least but the other stuff I can't say for I am not over it and don't think I will ever be, unless someone wiped my memories.

Your so young and I'm sorry that has happened to you, I wasn't beaten by my uncle but I guess what I meant was that I was sexually abused but either way it's an abuse and it helps knowing that there is someone else like me who suffers from such a horrid past. (sorry if it sounds wrong but I mean well)

I told my friend although he is a boy and I'm a girl I felt more comfort telling him than telling a girlfriend cuz I fear they may spread rumors idk it's just something I think. In the end it sort off worked out he knows and he cares.

So sedsed I want you to atleast tell one person you truly trust and before you tell them you cut, tell them why, it may come as a shock but they'll come around.

[mscat]

Abuse in childhood is the number one cause for many disorders later in life. Their is a connection. Eating disorders, self injury , sometimes Borderline personality disorders, I am sure their are more.

I was also abused, in fact all my brothers & I were taken out of the home at a early age because of it. I was 3. We were all split up . All 5 kids.

For many trouble hit at 16, and did not become much better. Sometimes , I held on ,by just going through the day , like a robot. I had my routine , and ignored the rest.

unfortunately it did all catch up to me. But , I guess we all have to continue our best way to try and live .

[Guest]

How to start I'm not going to lie just for convenience, but I do not mean to be correcting you in a manner that is offensive so please do not take this that way. Here is a short bio about me my mother left when I was 8 the same year a neighbor that was close friends with my father, he well he was not a nice man for a little girl to be around alone and things were done. I apologize I can't even force my self to type the words, he left the area for a few years and when I was 11 he did it again and continued until I was 12. When my mother left my father got really bad onto drugs and became quite a hellish man as well though he never touched me, but he did like to throw me around, as a result when all this was happening I started cutting, but I no longer cut. I force myself to throw up now as well. Well those are the main points of my crappy past.

Also I knew what you meant about your uncle what I was trying to say is no one knows about the sexual abuse that happened to me and very few know about the beatings I took.

[Livingdisaster]

@ sedsed I'm sorry. Your a very brave person to go on through that, and be here to share your story with many other people and me. That's just horrible what happened to you I can't imagine anything that horrid, and the thought that well people like this exist and attack the so innocent like young children, ruining their lives at such a young age, are left to walk the world freely leaving broken souls behind. It's just idk horrible. I'm sorry I can't put my thoughts to words today.

It feels like idk like sometimes I can't see the beauty about being alive anymore. And then when I'm at this state these nasty thoughts come to my mind. Idk, I just feel like I'll always be scarred for life and I'll never get over it. I'll never feel safe again. I'll never stop SI. I'll never be free from this. Don't you ever wish to well mayb not be perfect but to atleast have had a normal life. If anything I can't stand being cursed with this secret anymore. Umfortanely I'm afraid maybe one day it will end up killing me.

Sorry, I just really had a bad day today, can't really type it all off.

So again I want to apologize sedsed.

[Guest]

You don't have to apologize for anything, also sometimes what you need to see beauty is go for a walk in nature, it helps me. I know that it is so much more easier to just give up but people like us can't not yet I know before I die I want to see that man suffer for what he did and thereof I am waiting. But while I waiting why can't I take some of my life back or at least try. If anything I know I can always say that I at least tried.

[Athena]

I was playing this song in the car today and this thread just reminded me of it. It is a little depressing but I find it beautiful. Hard to imagine that the singer (Jann Arden) is actually quite the Comedienne in concert! Maybe she copes by writing this kind of song when she's down. After listening to it, I forced myself to write an uplifting song, just kind of had that urge in the moment. Actually, the words came quite easily. I just put everything good that I know in my heart to be true onto the page.

Here are "How Good Things Are" lyrics - couldn't figure out how to download the song for free.

I'm just living 'cause I'm obligated

I keep trying 'cause I've got to get it right

I pulled the trigger but I hesitated

lying here beside myself

I go to work 'cause I've got nothing going

I count the hours by the second in my head

The guy beside me's gonna drive me crazy

talkin' 'bout his children like that

I read the paper on the bus I ride home

I see the pictures of the people who are dead

and I imagine what it must be like to

just lay down all your debts

Everybody's gotta' find a god they love

Everybody's gotta' figure out the end

No one can tell you how to live forever

and who would want to in light of all of this

I go to work just to avoid tomorrow

and I'm afraid that I am losing all my hair

I told the doctor just to medicate the part

of me that still is here

I'm drinking water with my whiskey these days

I'm watching William beam himself around the stars

I call my mother every second Sunday

we talk about how good things are

We talk about how good things are

How good things are

We talk about how good things are

[Livingdisaster]

Why? Has life gotten so hard....i feel empty... was it my fault did i bring this upon myself.... disappointment is the only thing i here that i am.....people judge....and the only person i trust just let me down.

Soo in result of that i have been cutting deeper because i feel numb nobody realizes what i have gone through mayb and mayb nobody cares

Mayb all i need is a hug... its all i ask her and why can't i get it... whay can't i hear an everything is going to b ok ......even if its a lie

Nobodys there for me anymore... not even my bestfriend. .. what do u do when all hope is lost?

[Athena]

LD,

I'm feeling the same way you are right now, so it's probably best that I not answer that question. But I wanted to let you know I heard you and feel your pain and let you know you are not alone. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk (except right now i can't answer because I'm going to attempt to get some sleep tonight and forget everything going on).

[Guest ASchwartz]

Athena and Livingdisaster,

I'm sending each of you a big cyber hug. We all need hugs.

I am sorry there is so much pain. Are there things you like doing each day? Do you give yourselves things to look forward to? They need not be big things because its the little things that count the most. I always tell people that one of mine is that first cup of coffee in the morning.

Allan

[Athena]

Thanks Allan,

I'm not sure it's something I enjoy but I went for a run this morning. It was shorter than usual, I just have zero energy today and terrible balance. But It did make me feel better after. Kind of trying to keep the body alive while I wait for the tormented soul to heal.

[Livingdisaster]

All i want is this to stop and be forgotten ... i shouldn't have said anything. Everything seemed bettr before. I've never felt more alone ...& it hurts. I hate feeling like this atleast when i cut it distracts me for a moment. But what else is there all i want is to be normal.. and for my mom to look at me the same way she used too not this messd up piece of. ... if anything id give anything to just being silent about what happend to me. ..my secret that onlyd hurt me and nobody else

[Livingdisaster]

When ever i feel this disgusted about myself cuts get deeper and the scars are ugly. I wanted to stop but when i don't its like somethings missing... i feel the urge to cut and when i do its like i can take a new fresh breath of air.... and when i see the blood gushing out its like some sort of release for me the more there is the bettr it is. ..and then unfortunately summer is coming and prom is coming i know i wont be able to hide them so i really don't know what to do...

[Athena]

LD,

I identified the blood as the key factor for me too. NOT the pain. You do not have to go so deep, perhaps try something different, a different area where you don't have to be so damaging but that gives you the visual you need. This may sound ridiculous, but I actually went to donate blood because I knew I could get a LOT more out that way and it made me feel better knowing I'd be helping others in the process. In the end, they wouldn't let me donate because I was in France in the early 80's which meant I may have "Mad Cow disease" - that sure explains alot:eek:.

My other thought was to get a blood red tattoo somewhere. Haven't figured that one out yet though.

I don't know if any of that helps, just stuff I thought of when I was in the same place as you.

[Livingdisaster]

Athena,

i really want to thank you for being here for me, a stranger who doesn't deserve all this kindeness. I know things are not going well for u too and i want to thank u for taking some time to help me...... i am truelly grateful and i hope your well.

Now im just living day by day, acting like a robot on my daily routine i feel empty? Not sure if its a good thing. Im scared of my friends finding out about my cutting so im trying to make them light to look like slight scratches but i doubt it'll last. I know what to do next ... maybe just hanging on is all i can do but know i feel my self injury is in control .