I need help, please!

[k1mberly]

I previously posted this in the 'introduce yourself' section.

My thoughts and emotions sometimes, well a lot of the time, feel like they're out of my hands. My life is wonderful - I'm about to be married so these things are even harder to deal with now than they've ever been. I have so much more at stake and I'm afraid that these things will ruin my life. My fiance is extremely supportive and understanding, yet there are some things that are hard to verbalize to someone who hasn't had the experience.

I have many issues that I recognize (social anxiety, depression) but I'm experiencing what I think might be intrusive thoughts... although I'm not sure because they're not violent or anything of that nature.

I remember one time after I graduated high school where I obsessed over whether or not I had moved my tassel from right to left... I convinced myself for a period of time that my graduation was not legitimate because of this and then I would get angry because I couldn't remember the exact moment in time and if I had actually done it or not.

I had a time where I obsessively tried to remember if I had adopted my dog because I liked him when I saw him.. or because I had been with someone when they saw the same time of dog - and like it. I hadn't even remembered this at the time of adoption... but it popped in my head after and I dwelled on it like crazy.

It has arisen again recently and deals with a much more serious matter. I was casually talking to a guy I was interested in around the same time I started talking to my fiance... The other guy lived in Florida (states away from me) and I hadn't seen him in years, but we were talking nonetheless. I met my fiance around that time also and after our first date I had fallen head-over-heels and so had he. I immediately ended conversing with Florida.

We've been together ever since, but I keep having this intrusive/obsessive thought that I chose to be with my fiance because it was more convenient since he was closer. I don't remember thinking that at the time, but my brain convinces me that I might have.. and if I did that it was bad and makes my whole falling in love with my fiance disingenuous. I know that after I met him, that was it... but I keep thinking.. what if you thought that AFTER you met him. I was so happy that week and I'm 99.9% a thought like that didn't cross my mind. It's like I can't resolve this in my head.

I obsess with trying to relive every thought that I had and every feeling that I felt around that time. It hurts to even write this because I love this man more than anything in this world and I am in distress because this thought keeps harassing me. I don't want it to ruin something so wonderful and this time (that I should be enjoying completely) in my life.

And the thoughts just keep coming.. one after another... like I'm being attacked. I can't resolve them and I just keep going in circles in my head. I don't want to contact this Florida guy and see if something is there.. I have no interest in that.. but my brain is obsessively thinking that I MUST do this in order to BE SURE, because you never know Kim and you can't trust yourself.

I have cried for two days straight since that first thought came into my mind and I've been a sick nervous wreck. I stayed home from work today to seek help from others who may have had this or a similiar experience and can offer my some guidance as to what this is. Is this a form of OCD?

Sorry this is so long! I need help!

[Luna-]

Kimberly - my sympathies. It sounds very upsetting and draining.

I'm not a professional (here, at least) but it does sound a lot like OCD. All sorts of thoughts are intrusive in OCD. Sorry, I forgot what you said before, but have you seen a psychologist to be evaluated for this? It would be worth it. S/he could help you develop ways to deal with these thoughts. Even if it isn't OCD, what you are experiencing is causing enough suffering to warrant therapy.

[sensitive_woman]

Kimberly,

To me it sounds like you are freaking out because you are scared of commitments? Neither am I a professional to guide you through this one.

Hope Dr. Schwartz can throw some light.

Sorry you are going through this.

[k1mberly]

Thank you both for reading and responding.

I really don't think it's a commitment issue, because I've already commited (we've been living together for almost a year now). I have no fears about spending the rest of my life with him.

Could thise be a form of OCD called Pure-O. I've read a lot about it today and it seems like it could be? I have no idea.

[Luna-]

You would have to see a psychologist or psychiatrist to be evaluated for this; it's the only way to know.

[Sherzade]

I agree with Luna. You should look for professional help in order to be best supported.

Let me just say that i noticed that your intrusive thoughts seem to raise doubt about your own intentions and decisions as if stealing what you know from you. In a way, as if stealing you from you. Does this make sense?

[k1mberly]

I can't afford to see a therapist at this point, but I've been doing tons of research and I am certain that I am suffering from ROCD. Knowing what it is has helped but it isn't making it go away.

[58corvette]

Hi Kimberly;

I certainly am not Professional Either. However one of my first thoughts reading what you wrote & how you feel; brought some Alarm Bells.

Im not sure how or when your Marriage date is. But if in any way you can Seek Marriage Counsiling I would.

Just say you become married & things dont work out as Planned & these thoughts of the Other Guy Persist? Im just saying it may be better to Figure it out Now than Later or to Late? For Both You & Your Fiance.

Just a thought?

The Best To You

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Kimberly,

I agree with your self assessment that your repeated thoughts are obsessive in nature. In fact, they sound very much like they are obsessve-compulsive thoughts. Of course, this is not a diagnosis, you would need to see a professional face to face for that and you might be more able to afford it than you think.

Obsessve-compulsive thinking:

One of the major characterists of OCD is Doubt. Did I really do that, say that, etc. There is lots of anxiety and repeated thoughts about whether or not it was done or said.

OCD is fueled by lots of anxiety and worry. There is a chronic worry about everything. That's why people with OCD must constantly check and re check whether their memory is accurate or not.

This is something you can learn to control. First, there are lots of self help books on OCD where you can learn the ways to block this kind of thinking.

Second, there are not for profit mental health facilities that are very low cost and where you can get therapy. Also, there are anti depressant medications that can help you reduce the OCD.

Please remember that these repeated thoughts and actions have nothing to do with committment. Instead, they have to do with that chronic doubt about everything, large and small.

Again, the good thing is that this is treatable and even self help books might help. You MD can prescribe medication, although cognitive behavior therapy works best.

Again, I don't know if you have OCD but, you know the saying, "if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and quacks like a duck, its a duck.":)

Allan