chatterbox512 Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 I am so tired. I really don't want to do this anymore. I have struggled so much in the past few months I am just so exhausted I don't know where to turn anymore. I found out earlier this week that I have some very serious back/neck issues (3 bulging discs and 6 narrowing discs plus arthritis all in my neck that will probrably lead to surgery in the future. They are steming from some of the abuse I endured from my mother growing up. I am struggling right now with so much anger in my heart and soul I just want to blow. I hate her with all my heart and don't understand why this all happened to me. I am having a very difficult time directing this anger to where it needs to be, and not influencing my daily life. I am just so angry, frusturated and lost, I don't know what to do. I go to see the neurosurgeon tomarrow to see what options I have to deal with my back, but I am very nervous and scared about what they are going to say. I have already jumped to the worst case scenerio, which is very different than my husbands worse case scenario, surprise surprise. For me it is not being able to get a job and having difficulty caring for future kids, for him it is me being in a wheel chair. I think best case scenerio right now is just being put on pain meds but even that can make it difficult to care for my son effectively. I don't know, I guess we will see tomarrow. Until then I am just left to my imagination which is getting the better of me. It is not that that I am having a hard time dealing with though. It is how I got this. I guess repeatedly getting kicked in the head by your mother can cause more than just emotional damage. I am just having a hard time dealing with all the emotional turmoil that this is bringing up for me. I don't know where to channel it, and keeping it inside is not doing me any good either. Not to mention I am still dealing with all the emotions that my last session of EMDR brought up. Can you see how I am just exhausted??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shanrucas Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 Hi Mel,,yes I can certainly see how you can be so exhausted. I am so sorry to here about your back, the emotional scars are bad enough. Be kind to yourself you have the right to do that..Even though I can't be there I will be holding your hand during your appt. I hope that it turns out ok...or at least you can come out of there with a plan of action.Take care and try to rest, Shannon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CantGiveItAway Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 Yes I can!!:( I am so sorry that youre going through so much. I wish I had some great words to say right now but I just dont. You have every right to have these feelings. Everything doesnt happen for a reason and unfortunatly we dont get to choose our parents. I hope theres someone with you who can ease your mind alittle bit.Just a thought though but is your mother still alive, you could send her a letter with everything youre feeling right now if you didnt want to see her. That might help you realease some of the tension thats inside of you right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna- Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 Mel, this is awful. You were so badly wronged. You are so brave coping with all this.I think the problem of not knowing how to channel your anger and pain is something you should be able to discuss with your EMDR therapist. She must be aware of how the therapy brings to the surface these feelings, and be able to give you some advice about how to deal with them in between sessions. Do you think you could ask her?Good luck with the neurosurgeon visit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chatterbox512 Posted February 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 Thank You all for your support!! I really appreciate it. I am very scared to know what the dr is going to say today, but living in pain isn't worth it, so I have to take the first step somewhere. I actually wrote a 'no-send' letter to my mother explaining how angry I am at her. This is one of those that I have absolutely no plan of sending however. It would give her way to much power and that is not something I am willing to give her. I have only read it to one person and she said that it was very strong. I guess I do have a small amount of respect left for her because I feel that even someone like her should not have to hear that she was a terrible mother and doesn't deserve the title of mother, and that I never really considered her as a mom. This letter was written purely for theraputic purposes. I am still struggling immensely today, but I am learning to reach out to friends for help, or at least to get out of the house. Plus I am going to meet my good friends new baby who was born yesterday. So that will at least temporarily raise my spirits!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest deadman Posted February 3, 2011 Report Share Posted February 3, 2011 end of participation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chatterbox512 Posted February 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 DMI can not begin to tell you how your words of wisdom are helping. Thanks. It sucks that your surgery did not go well, but the fact that you are helping me means alot. What did you have done to your back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest deadman Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 end of participation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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