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Really want some help/advice, not sure where my life is going


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Hi all, I have been on this forum on and off in recent times, I was a regular (ish) poster last summer but have drifted away since. Not really sure where to start with this one. I have 2 'inta-linked' issues going on in my life at the mo. Firstly I have an addiction to masturbation (developed during secondary school, I was bullied and when I got home I wanted to relieve stress), which usually involves me 'doing it' at least on average twice a day. Often the material used is of female friends (through facebook). The reason I can think for this is down to the fact I have met the people in real life, if only once or twice, and this helps to make the 'fantasy' more real. Initially this didn't bother me but in the last 18 months it has begun to bother me (though not to the extent that it stops me doing it for whatever reason). This brings me onto my second point. My habit, partly brought about the downfall of a long term relationship and was the catalyst for the break up. I confessed to my ex what I had done, regarding masturbating over friends (including some of hers) and of course she was horrified and we broke up (she did still want to carry on, but I ended things, perhaps through shame?). Despite this my habit has continued and this scares me, it has already caused major problems (with a breakup) and yet I haven't stopped? I am currently interested in a new girl but my habit continues. Part of me is scared that unless I stop the habit I will need to 'fess up' to her at some point if things develop? I am having counselling at my university, and I went initially with the intention of discussing my habit, yet our sessions have drifted away from the topic and focussed more on my mental state of mind which has also not been great, I am still not over my ex, at least with regard to blaming myself for the end of the relationship). Unfortunately I do not feel confident enough to try to being the sessions back towards my habit, primarily because my counsellor being very helpful, is firstly a woman (I am not being sexist, I just feel with regard to my habit it is harder to comprehend for a woman) plus she is of an older age which doesn't make me feel comfortable talking about it. Perhaps I need to talk to a specialist counsellor (sexual), though being a student I am not in a financial position to do this, unless you can do it through the NHS (I am in the UK). I feel as long as my habit continues I am not comfortable with myself as a person. Any thoughts people?

P.S To the Mods, I realise that perhaps this should be in the sexual issues section of the forum (please move if needs be), but I notice it is rarely visited and I was hoping for at least a few replies from people since it is something I could really use some advice on asap!

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi gooberton,

I am sorry you broke up with your ex when she wanted to continue. She was probably more upset about using pictures of friends on facebook than your masturbating. In fact, I wonder if You are more upset about the pictures you use than the masturbation. At the same time, I am happy to read that you are starting a new relationship.

You are a young man, I assume, as you are in college. As a young man, you are at the height of your sexual energy. Studies show that men your age thing about sex about every two to three seconds!!

Masturbation is not the terrible thing you fear it might be. It actually can serve to get yourself all stimulated for sex with your girl friend or sexual partner.

It might be, and I don't know and am only guessing, that the use of facebook pictures is some type of fetish. That means that you feel compelled to use those pictures of real people as a substitute for real sex. This is only a guess and I cannot say for sure.

Also, there is no question that masturbation is a way to relieve stress. Actually, that is true of all kinds of sex.

Its good you are in therapy. It might be that you need to learn more about sex and about your sexual self.

What do you think??


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Hi Allan (if it is ok to call you that),

Many thanks for the response, perhaps the facebook thing is a fetish, I don't know, perhaps it is just useful because it provides access to pictures of people I know and therefore, as I said in my initial post, able to fantasize about more easily? I am at University, however a slightly more mature student who is slightly the wrong side of 25 so perhaps my activity isn't as normal as it once was? I agree with you regarding the ex, I don't think she was so peturbed by the action, more the subject material. As regarding therapy, as I say, the focus of the sessions has unfortunately shifted away from my habit and more towards my mental well being and whilst we are making progress on that side, I feel that I am still unhappy as a person for my habit. Perhaps all I need is some self-discipline/regular sex since I haven't had sex since the break up with my ex, well over a yeah ago?

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