new to the site and completely lost..

[Lost4Ever83]

I am 25 and have been feeling symtoms of depression since early teenage years. I have never been married, have an almost 4 year old daughter, no job or career path and no education beyond high school.

I feel lazy and unmotivated and most of the time and can't bring myself to complete the simplest task like cleaning the house. I dropped out of high school and got a ged a couple of years ago mainly to please an ex of mine. I mostly lay in bed and have a lot of trouble sleeping at night although I often feel exhausted. I get anxiety about doing the simplest tasks like making a phone call or going to the bank.

I've maninly comsumed my life looking for love which has been unsuccesful. I cannot keep a relationship for more than a few months. Most men get tired of me and my behavior (negativity, jealousness, anger, rage and insecurity to name a few) and leave me. After they leave me I get extremely angry and usually call them names and make threats to them until they end up refusing to deal with me at all anymore. I become almost obsessed with people I fall in love with and have a hard time leaving them be until I just drive them away. I am extremely lonely and have also lost friends due to my anger.

I have money troubles yet feel to anxious to even make a phone call to set up a job interview. Most friends view me as simply lazy but it goes deeper than that.

I've attempted suicide once about 6 years ago and though about it a few times since then, mostly after some guy I love leaves me. I am not happy about any aspect in my life, actually the only thing that makes me happy is my physical appearance which is what I pride myself on. Unlike some of the posts from people with depression I read on here I do not have a problem being sexually intimate in fact I often seek it to feel wanted and validated.

I am not physically or mentally abusive to my child but am often unattentive and although I love her with all my heart I have a hard time being close with her at times and sometimes don't want her near me when she tries to kiss me or hug me. She is cared for but I feel like she deserves more attention and love and hate myself for not being able to give her that.

I've been in counseling several times when I was younger and was admitted into the hospital after confessing suicidal thoughts to a counselor once but talked my way into gettting released after just one night. Counseling has never helped me in the past.

My mother committed suicide when I was 14 (she was never in the house as my dad had full custody) and my father has always been distant, emotionally unavailable and has insisted there is nothing wrong with me, it's all in my head.

I am only happy when I go out drinking with my friends (mostly men) and although I do not drink in the house or when I'm alone I often look for anything to give me a buzz or calm me down such as a strong over the counter allergy medication that I've been taking lately.

I know I need help for me and my child because I am completely miserable and cannot live like this anymore but I don't know how to get help. I have no health insurance and no money to pay for counseling or treatment. I made a call to a mental health center a friend refered me to a couple weeks ago and they just told me to call my local hospital which I never did due to lack of motivation and anxiety.

If anyone can offer any kind words, suggestions or anything it would be appreciated..

Thank you,

Lost

Edited October 15, 2008 by Lost4Ever83

[Proverbs31:28]

Lost, first of all, let me say that you are not alone. Your feelings sound very familiar and I suspect I am not the only one here who feels that way.

I think its wonderful that you can identify and describe your issues so well. This makes me hopeful that therapy could, in fact, be helpful for you even if it has not been in the past. Sometimes it is just a matter of finding the right therapist. I went through 3 before I found one I "clicked" with because the first 2 tried to practice "cookie cutter" therapy which I absolutely do not believe in. Then, I moved to another city and it took me a year and a half to gather the nerve to find a new therapist. I was miserable the entire time but, like you, lacked the motivation and had too much anxiety to seek help. Until I became suicidal again and knew I had to do something. Thankfully, the first therapist I tried was perfect for me. WHat I am saying is you may need to look again at therapy with a different therapist.

I know you said money is an issue. Is there any way you could qualify for medicaid or state insurance? Do you get any state aid? If so, check with them to see if you qualify. If not, I would urge you to look into a mental health clinic that provides treatment based on a sliding scale, meaning they only charge you what you can afford to pay based on your income.

The apathy (lack of care or concern for daily responbsibilities and relationships) as well as the exhaustion and inability to sleep are red flags when considering a depression diagnosis so I would strongly urge you to find someone who can give you a diagnosis and treatment plan.

As for the search for love you have described, it sounds to me like you are trying to make up for the "emotionally unavailable" father you described. Clearly, you did not have a role model of what an appropriate male/female relationship is like and I suspect you are trying to fill that void in your life with these relationships. The fact that you then "drive them away" may be a coping mechanism you have developed. It is not a healthy coping tool but one that works for you in the moment. It allows you to escape the responsibility of a relationship without any active part in doing so. Obviously, as I am not a mental health professional, these are just my lay observations. Which is why I hope you find someplace you can get care soon.

I hope you keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Lost,

Lifeless seems to know just how you feel and I hope you are finding and will find her responses helpful. Thanks, lifeless, that was terrific.

Lost, I along with lifeless feel concerned about you. The fact that your mother committed suicide when you were 14 y.o. puts you in a high risk category. So, I agree with lifeless and hope you will keep posting here and that you will continue to look for the right therapist.

However, before I get to the therapist issue, I have a sense that you might need medication first. Here is why I think that: You have a history of having attempted suicide once, your mother did commit suicide, you are staying in the house, being reclusive and, when you do go out with some friends, you are drinking: not a good combination.

In fact, alcohol will make you feel more depressed and, when under the influence, you have an increased ability to become suicidal because you will feel more impulsive.

Now, here is what I want to suggest:

1. You need to be seen by a psychiatrist, get a diagnosis and be prescribed the correct medication. Perhaps you have a Bipolar disorder, with Major Depression and, perhaps, that is what your mother had. I do not know. That is why I believe you need to be seen and started on the correct medicine.

2. You then need to be seen by a therapist, either psychologist or social worker.

3. Money, lifeless is correct, if you either have or qualify for Medicaid then it will pay for your treatment. You could go to a local mental health clinic. Some of these are part of hospitals: outpatient clinics or there are free standing clinics that are non profit organizations that take Medicaid.

I want to urge you to act quickly and get help for you depression. No, you are not lazy. Also, I hope that you are not smoking Pot as that will definitely worsen your symptoms.

Well, this is what I suggest and is my opinion.

What do others think??

Allan

[paula]

May I post my opinion here? I don't know whether I'm talking out of line here, But I'm going of my own personal experiences! Again, I know this is not about me but just hear me out? Whatever I write here is directed at no-one, and you can say is my idea's! I too would also like to know a few answers myself!

My idea of reading this post, is of follows. Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong? This is the situation that I am seeing:

Lost has written a post for help, advice, support, opinion.

I feel lazy and unmotivated and most of the time and can't bring myself to complete the simplest task like cleaning the house. I dropped out of high school and got a ged a couple of years ago mainly to please an ex of mine. I mostly lay in bed and have a lot of trouble sleeping at night although I often feel exhausted. I get anxiety about doing the simplest tasks like making a phone call or going to the bank.

She feels exausted even though she is doing nothing and is having trouble sleeping. To me she is suffering some form of Depression? I can relate to the not being able to sleep of a night (Insomnia) as I too suffer with this problem! Bear in mind that she is living alone with a child so she cannot be to heavly sedated for the childs sake? But something that would not mess her head up, so even if she only got a few hours sleep, at least she has had some sleep. So in my opinion, she needs something to try and help her to fall asleep. I would recomend some herbal remedy, Kalms, Night Nurse, bath, relaxing music, rather than prescribed medication. I would only rely on the doc if all else fails.

Regarding attending to day to day task, paying bills, phone calls, shopping etc. I am just the same. I feel when I get my post that if I don't open it then I don't know what it is so I have got that extra time of not feeling down in the dumps when I do find out what it is? It's 6 of one and 1/2 dozen of another? It might not be bad news but I tend to always look on the bad side of things and I can't help how I feel? Also by not making them phone calls again, I tend to think that it is giving me extra time to deal with things because I'm holding back. Even thought it gives me no extra time at all. But you can't help the way you feel!

I've attempted suicide once about 6 years ago and though about it a few times since then, mostly after some guy I love leaves me. I am not happy about any aspect in my life, actually the only thing that makes me happy is my physical appearance which is what I pride myself on. Unlike some of the posts from people with depression I read on here I do not have a problem being sexually intimate in fact I often seek it to feel wanted and validated.

To me it seems like loneliness is taking it's toll here? I have the same problem, being down to my own fault! Me personally, want people to invite me out with them, but to invite me because they genually want me along and not because they feel sorry for me. To me this seems the case with lost?

I know I need help for me and my child because I am completely miserable and cannot live like this anymore but I don't know how to get help. I have no health insurance and no money to pay for counseling or treatment. I made a call to a mental health center a friend refered me to a couple weeks ago and they just told me to call my local hospital which I never did due to lack of motivation and anxiety.

Lost has made the first BIG step here by admitting that she needs help! But in the same sense, she doesn't know where to go for help? First, she knows what she has to do but she is afraid to do it! She also has a child to consider here? If she is Sectioned, who is going to look after her child? think about it? Second, She knows she can't carry on like this but she has responsabillities, to consider? At the end of the day, she know that the way she is feeling at the moment is not normal. But she is afraid to fully open up to anyone incase there is a chance that she could have her daughter taken off her.

I know she needs these issues sorting out but how far is she prepared to go? This is not only about her, this involves her daughter. Lost is well aware of this and to me it's a bit of a catch 22 situation? Does she come clean and tell her doc how she is feeling and have the chance of her daughter taken away from her because of her mental state of mind! Or does she tell so much as to keep her daughter? So then she is not getting the help that she really needs?

At the end of the day all she wants is a good pick me up! But we know that it is not as simple as that! There's the need in getting the right medication for the symptoms that she is suffering. And to do that, there may be several sorts of medication's that she has to try first to get the right one that will help her?

In my opinion, she could do with getting intouch with an Advocate. I don't know whether you have them in the States, but over here in the U.K there is a company called MIND. Who have Advocates working for them. When I was in Hospital, I got an Advocate come and see me on the hospital grounds, then when I was discharged, she still kept intouch to help me deal with my every day living and to help me come to terms with what that involved!

I hope you find a solution to your problem's! Take care!

[Proverbs31:28]

It is a common myth and misconception that a mother will risk losing her child because she seeks treatment or, if necessary, is hospitalized. I honestly wish that this falsehood would stop being passed on as truth. All it does it create fear in those who would otherwise seek treatment. If Lost does not have enough to worry/think about, creating in her a fear that she may/will lose her child because she reaches out for help will only serve as a deterrent. I can say from experience and in speaking with many psychiatrists, attorneys and judges that courts do not remove a child from their mother's custody for the sole reason that the mother has sought or is getting treatment for a mental health condition. Instead, the courts look to the mother's ability to provide for, care for and nurture the child. The standard for whether a child remains with a parent is always "best interest of the child" NOT whether or not a parent has sought mental health. That would be as ridiculous as removing a child because a parent sought treatment for diabetes!

I think that, as a community, we should encourage one another to seek and find the help needed. I was one who hesitated seeking treatment for fear of losing my children. I am certainly not the only one. But, the fact is, I am a much less capable mother when I am not in therapy, not dealing with my issues and not working on developing coping skills. So, in all honesty, I would be more at risk of losing my children if I refuse to seek help and, instead, confine myself to a dark corner of my home, neglecting the basic needs of my children.

[paula]

Hi Lifeless

What I was referring to in my previous post was the probabillities that lost could be facing in losing her child!

I understand what you are saying regarding the courts and the child concerned. I know that what counts here is the best interest for the child! What I was referring to was the state of the mentallity of lost and whether there was any concern in the laws eye's, for the safety of her child?

Obviously, Lost would have to be assessed under the Mental Health Act, and if they thought that Lost could not look after her child as her mental state of her mind is niow, then if no one came forward to look after the child then Social Services would have to intervene and put the child into care!

I know Social Services all to well, I used to work for them!

Whether things are different in the States, as they are here in the U.K I don't know? But once that child falls in the hands of the Social Services, then it will be a ball ache trying to get back custody of her child? There will be Legal requirements, Lost's mental state of mind, any probabillities of a relapse, how the child will cope in the future, I could go on & on.

I also agree with what you are saying regarding holding back on her mental symptoms to justify keeping her daughter and how it shouldn't even have to come to that? Or was it me who said the beggining of the question? Doesn't matter anyway!

I know that lost should look after her own health so she can look after her daughters health, but if it means giving up my daughter, then all I'm saying is I know what I would do!